Dragging my suitcase, I walked aimlessly on the nearly deserted street, filled with sorrow. I never expected that in Xuzhou, the city where I grew up, there would come a day when I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t help but ask myself: was my choice really worth it?
I dared not think too deeply about this question. Whether it was worth it or not, I had already made my choice. Going back to Suzhou to help Leyao resolve the crisis at her bar had already become an inevitable matter.
That night, I stayed in a small hotel near the train station, but I couldn’t sleep at all. While staying awake from insomnia, I tried to control myself from thinking too much, but still, the image of Li Xiaoyun occupied all my thoughts. Although our love affair had lasted merely a few months, I truly couldn’t bear to let go. With her, I found the sense of security that even a man needs.
I don’t know how much time passed before I finally lit a cigarette for myself. When I finished it, the window was already revealing a corner of the morning sun. Dawn had arrived just like that, yet the wind still blew so cold!
…
The morning came, but I had no appetite at all. Holding the resignation letter I had already prepared, I dazedly arrived at the company.
As I was about to enter the elevator, Li Xiaoyun approached from another direction. We met by chance but stood in front of different elevators. I looked at her among the crowd; her eyes were still somewhat swollen, likely from crying the entire night. Compared to me, she was suffering no less.
I pushed through the crowd and went to the elevator where Li Xiaoyun was waiting, standing beside her and called her name. However, she didn’t respond. At that moment, the elevator arrived. Li Xiaoyun stepped into the elevator one step ahead of me, and I followed her inside.
The crowded elevator tightly pressed us together, yet in mutual silence, our hearts had already drifted apart.
During the elevator ride upwards, I tried several times to speak to Li Xiaoyun, but I couldn’t find the right words. After a long pause, I finally asked, “Have you eaten breakfast?”
Li Xiaoyun merely gave me a cold look but did not respond. Finally, she maintained this silence as we walked into the company together.
I finally grabbed Li Xiaoyun and she coldly asked me, “What?”
Based on my understanding of women, this coldness was a prelude to a broken heart. After a long silence, I said, “Let’s have lunch together today. I think we should talk.”
“Okay, I think we should talk too.” After saying that, Li Xiaoyun pulled her hand away from mine and walked toward her office.
I watched her back disappear, standing there lost for a while before heading toward the director’s office, with only one purpose: to submit my resignation letter with an apology.
…
Although Director Zhou tried hard to persuade me to stay, my mind was made up. Eventually, he reluctantly approved my resignation. Because I still had several ongoing projects, it would take about a week to complete the work handover. That week would be my final time in Xuzhou.
At lunchtime, I sat face-to-face with Li Xiaoyun in a small private room of a restaurant downstairs from the company.
The atmosphere was as heavy and oppressive as expected. I felt guilty toward Li Xiaoyun and hesitated to speak. Finally, Li Xiaoyun broke the silence by asking, “Did you hand your resignation letter to Director Zhou this morning?”
“Mm.”
“How long will the work handover take?” Li Xiaoyun asked, seemingly trying to remain calm.
I answered quietly, “About a week.”
Li Xiaoyun’s expression turned painful, and finally, her tears could no longer be restrained. She cried out, “Zhaoyang, is your heart really made of iron? From yesterday to today, you’ve negated everything, pushing me into the abyss. Have you ever considered my feelings, or my family’s feelings? They entrusted their daughter’s future to you!”
I lowered my head and remained silent, filled with guilt. At that moment, nothing I could say would change the outcome.
Li Xiaoyun looked at me with hatred, making me even more anxious and remorseful. After a long pause, I whispered, “If you’re willing to wait, I can come back to Xuzhou.”
“Come back to Xuzhou?… If you were just a man, maybe I would be willing to wait, a year or half a year wouldn’t matter much, after all, I’m only 25 and can afford to wait. But you’re leaving for another woman. How do you expect me to wait with that mindset?” Li Xiaoyun questioned while crying.
“It’s really just a friendship between us, not as complicated as you think,” I defended.
“Is that so? Can you, with a clear conscience, say that you’ve never had anything happen between you two… Don’t treat others as fools. Why did she come to you, Zhaoyang, instead of someone else? And you’re willing to abandon your home and fiancée to help her. Can that still be considered a normal relationship?… Tell me!”
Faced with Li Xiaoyun’s accusations, I was at a loss for words. Although Leyao and I had no romantic feelings, there was a time during my most decadent period when I did sleep with her. Could such a relationship be considered pure?
My silence made Li Xiaoyun even angrier. In her anger, I saw the expression of a dying heart. She then took out from her handbag the engagement ring we had bought together a few days ago and placed it in front of me, saying, “Zhaoyang, let’s break up, as if we had never met.”
I looked at Li Xiaoyun, her lips trembling, as were mine, but I ultimately couldn’t say a word to stop her, because it would have been futile.
“You can keep the ring…”
Li Xiaoyun scoffed, “What, do you feel guilty? Zhaoyang, the money for the ring came from your parents. Now that we’ve broken up, you have no right to give the ring to me.”
A sharp pain pierced my heart. I understood the implications of Li Xiaoyun’s words and recalled my pitiful state when I first returned to Xuzhou. It was Li Xiaoyun who rescued me from that embarrassment. Perhaps if I left Xuzhou, I would return to my previous state of worthlessness.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said to Li Xiaoyun.
Li Xiaoyun resolutely said to me, “Don’t apologize to me. I’ll consider these past few months as just a trial in my life. I only hope that in the future, you, Zhaoyang, won’t give another woman hope only to destroy it with your own hands…” With that, she picked up her handbag and walked out of the private room.
I sat there motionless, staring blankly at the engagement ring left behind by Li Xiaoyun. In an instant, I felt my life had been pierced through, full of holes… Perhaps there really would come a day when I would regret the choice I made today.
…
That night after work, with nowhere to go, I returned alone to that shabby little hotel. I bought some beer to alleviate my loneliness and sadness.
When I felt somewhat dizzy from drinking, I received a call from Leyao. At that moment, I really didn’t feel like talking, so I hung up immediately and sent her a text message: “If it’s important, just text me.”
Soon, Leyao replied with a text: “I’m still in Xuzhou and want to have dinner with you… Let me treat you!”
Still feeling dizzy, I replied with another text: “I’ve already eaten. You go back to Suzhou first tomorrow. I need to finish handing over my work here. I’ll come in a week.”
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