On the way back, Mi Cai sat behind me on the motorcycle, carrying the newly bought guitar. I sped forward furiously, but the guitar seemed to create extra air resistance, causing Mi Cai to hold me even tighter. Once again that night, I felt myself melting into the moment, yet I feared getting too addicted, so I accelerated even more. Although we still had to pass five blocks, the travel time was ultimately shortened.
Back at the bar, the neon sign of “Fifth Season” was still flickering, but the door was already locked. This made the night so peaceful. I loved this tranquility, and I also enjoyed the surreal glow of the neon lights. My desire to sing grew stronger. Perhaps I should genuinely thank Mi Cai for this decision, because the night, aside from being for sleeping, can also be for indulgence…
I took out my keys, unlocked the bar door, pushed the motorcycle inside, and Mi Cai turned on the lights of the bar at the same time. Suddenly, the five seasons came alive, each exuding its own charm under the lights, as if trying to please us, making us feel like the most dazzling gems of the night.
Mi Cai asked me, “Zhaoyang, do you think it’s better to have all the lights on, or should we keep it dim?”
“Dim is better, as long as I can see your face!”
“But then we won’t be able to see the beauty of the five seasons!”
I smiled and said, “The five seasons have already been imprinted in my heart. Just give me an outline, and my mind will fill in all the seasons.”
“Oh, then let’s keep it dim!” Mi Cai agreed, turned off the main lights, and left only a few stage-effect lamps on. Indeed, all I could clearly see now was her face.
Each holding a guitar, we sat cross-legged in the center of the small stage. I couldn’t think of what song to sing, so I lit myself a cigarette. However, the smoke lingering around, combined with the flickering lights, made the world around me increasingly hazy—so hazy it felt unreal, like a dream.
Lost in thought, I suddenly heard Mi Cai begin playing her guitar. That familiar melody rang out again—it was “Words of Love.”
I stared intently at Mi Cai beside me, as if I could already foresee the outcome. For her, this song was always like a tear-jerker; even when others sang it, she would cry—let alone when she sang it herself.
But once again, I underestimated this woman. She didn’t cry. Instead, she remained calm—calm yet deeply emotional.
Between the end of the chorus and the next verse, she smiled at me and said, “Zhaoyang, sing with me, okay?”
“Uh… okay!”
I was taken aback but quickly strummed my guitar to catch up with her rhythm, joining in the singing: “I gave my heart to you, left the sadness for myself. I gave my youth to you, and kept the years for myself…”
Because Mi Cai was calm, I remained calm too. We sang the entire song in that peaceful state. The smoke I had exhaled gradually dissipated, and everything before my eyes became clear again, yet I still felt as though it were all an illusion.
Finally, I said to Mi Cai beside me, “I just feel like this must be a dream of mine!”
“Why do you say that?”
“Maybe because the night is too dark, and… you didn’t cry when singing that song just now! That makes me even more convinced it’s a dream!”
Mi Cai smiled and said, “Then let me pinch you to see.”
I quickly leaned back and said, “Don’t pinch me! I don’t want to wake up—it’s such a beautiful dream!”
Mi Cai put down her guitar, wrapped her arms around her knees, and gently tapped her toes on the ground. Still smiling, she said after a while, “You know what? Whenever I sing this song by myself, I always feel that Dad must be watching over me from wherever he is… So I always sing it quietly for him, because he liked quietness. And he never liked it when I cried!”
Her words moved me, and every time she mentioned her father, she seemed like a gentle, obedient little girl.
Not wanting the atmosphere to become too heavy, I smiled and said, “Then how do you know that your dad wouldn’t watch even when others sing it?”
Mi Cai looked at me and said, “With so many people singing this song at karaoke every day, do you think he has time to watch everyone? He must be so busy!”
“That makes sense.”
Mi Cai nodded and continued, “And besides, someone like you—he would even want to watch if you sang it?”
“I think I sing pretty well!”
“That’s not the point. It’s because he always hated people like you the most…”
I smiled and finished her sentence, “Hated people like me—the idle good-for-nothings, right?”
Mi Cai looked at me without confirming or denying, and after a while, she asked in return, “But you will change, won’t you?”
“What kind of person do you want me to become?”
“Become a warm man!”
Her words stirred something strange inside me. After a long pause, I felt a surge of strength and said to her, “Then hold me now… and see if I’m warm enough!”
Mi Cai looked at me with a complicated expression. We had hugged before, but it was always me initiating it. She had never been the one to reach out. But now, this reason seemed so legitimate that I didn’t feel the least bit nervous.
I tempted her further, “It’s not like I’m throwing myself at you. It’s just to see if I meet your standard of warmth. It’s perfectly innocent, okay?”
Mi Cai thought for a moment and finally said, “Then spread your arms.”
I hurriedly opened my arms, but at the very moment I fully extended them, I blushed and my heart raced, because in a moment, she would be in my embrace…
Mi Cai closed her eyes and gently leaned her head on my shoulder, but her hands remained at a distance from me. This wasn’t really an embrace at all—it felt more like she was listening to my heartbeat.
Gathering my courage, I murmured, “Your hands… your hands should hug me too.”
Mi Cai didn’t respond but instead said, “Zhaoyang, your heart is beating so fast!”
“Ahem…” I tried to cough to hide my nervousness, but I couldn’t mask the racing of my heart. It beat even faster, and I became even more flustered, thinking to myself: What’s wrong with me? Even slipping into a strange woman’s bed hadn’t made me this flustered…
In my flustered state, I finally found a somewhat reasonable excuse and said, “My heart is beating fast to generate more warmth. Only when I’m active can I reach the temperature you mentioned!”
I anxiously waited for Mi Cai’s response. She simply softly hummed in acknowledgment, and finally, her hands wrapped around me. In the quiet of the night, we hugged once again.
My heart pounded so hard I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to feel her heartbeat too, but I knew it wouldn’t be appropriate. After all, in terms of feeling heartbeats, men and women are not equal. For example, if Mi Cai placed her hand on my chest, it would be called “feeling my heartbeat,” but if I did the same to her, it would be called “harassment.” Unless one day we became a couple, or even husband and wife, could this inequality be lifted!
But I really wanted to know her heartbeat… I would feel disappointed if hers remained unchanged!
So I lowered my expectations and decided to just look at her face. But under the dim lighting, with her head resting on my chest, her face was already hidden in shadow, and I couldn’t even make out her expression!
Sigh… Perhaps between us, equality was simply not meant to be… I suppose at this moment, my racing heart had already let her feel how much I liked her, but what about her? At least outwardly, she remained as calm as a lily yet to bloom!
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