The ankle chain, once warmed by Jianwei’s body temperature, quickly lost its warmth in my hand. I felt as if I had given her nothing but false hope. According to the original plan, New Year’s Eve should not have gone this way.
I placed the ankle chain back into my pocket and turned around. Mi Cai was still standing where she had been, her hair blowing gently in the cold wind. On this bitterly cold night, she looked so fragile.
I walked heavily toward her, yet I didn’t think she would mind what had just happened, because we had never officially started anything, so there was no burden that belonged only to lovers.
Standing in front of Mi Cai, I smiled slightly before asking, “Why are you standing outside in such cold wind?”
“The wind from the sky may chill the body, but the wind from people chills the heart…”
Still caught in my daze, I asked her after a while, “How should I understand that?”
“Interpret it however you like. Anyway, we should go inside now. Many customers are waiting to have a few drinks with you, the bar owner. I came out to call you on their behalf.”
“Oh.”
I responded briefly, and Mi Cai had already lowered her head and started walking toward the bar.
Watching her back, I glanced toward the horizon. The continuous fireworks bursting in the sky blocked my view, so my gaze settled on the dazzling lights. I felt dizzy, and in that dizziness, I felt the piercing cold wind.
I tucked my coat tighter around me and lit a cigarette. Perhaps this night would not bring the spring breeze I was waiting for. My heart seemed trapped in this winter by an inexplicable force, and time could not carry me into spring, even though spring was just around the corner.
…
That night, I got completely drunk, not even remembering how I returned to my place. I didn’t wake up until the next morning, startled by the sound of firecrackers.
I sat on the bed for a long time before remembering that today I was supposed to return to Xuzhou to pay New Year’s greetings to my father and mother. I thought they were waiting for me at this moment, and also for Mi Cai.
I immediately got dressed and got up, skipping washing up and heading straight to knock on Mi Cai’s door, saying as I knocked, “Happy New Year… Happy New Year, are you awake yet?”
There was no response for a long time. I then twisted the doorknob, only to find it locked. A sense of foreboding rose in my heart, so I hurriedly rummaged through things to find the key. When I opened the door, I was stunned.
There was no sign of Mi Cai in the room, though the bed was neatly made. In other words, Mi Cai was not in this room at the moment, and possibly had left after bringing me back home last night.
At that moment, I finally understood the meaning behind her words: “The wind from the sky may chill the body, but the wind from people chills the heart…”
I also realized that it was my indecisiveness with Jianwei that had hurt her sensitive heart, so she chose to avoid me on the first day of the New Year.
But where had she gone?
Feeling somewhat disheartened, I returned to my room, wanting to call Mi Cai, but I unexpectedly found a note tucked under my phone on the dresser.
I immediately pulled out the note, and as expected, it was from Mi Cai.
“Zhaoyang, I’ve gone to celebrate the New Year at my uncle’s house… Happy New Year to you, and please wish your parents a Happy New Year from me too.”
Looking at the smiley face attached at the end of the message, I felt as if my heart had been pierced in an instant, and the pain of realization surged over me, unstoppable.
I understood: her pride could not tolerate even a speck of dust, and her lack of security made her sensitive and suspicious. Therefore, like me, she had always isolated herself from love behind a self-erected wall. She longed to get close to me, yet feared getting close to a version of me that wasn’t pure.
Therefore, all my long-standing worries and insecurities were not unfounded… All my pain came from the fact that I liked her, but I was not the man she truly needed.
I carefully folded the note and placed it into the drawer. Early in the morning, I lit a cigarette and half-lay on the bed smoking, but I had no desire to explain anything to Mi Cai, especially since she hadn’t questioned me at all.
Besides, what meaning could a love possibly have if it had to be maintained through constant explanations?
In that moment, I suddenly decided not to expect anything more from Mi Cai, preferring instead to silently forget the previous ambiguity between us and just remain ordinary friends.
After making this decision, I suddenly felt as if a heavy burden had been lifted from me. I crushed the cigarette in my hand, opened WeChat, and sent her a message: “Happy New Year to you too… Let’s talk again when you get back to Suzhou!”
After sending the message, I put my phone into my pocket, quickly packed a small bag, and drove my Alto on the road back to Xuzhou.
On the long journey, I felt a certain loneliness and some lingering regrets, but I also felt relieved—relieved that last night’s incident with Jianwei had served as a warning, helping me see myself more clearly.
How could I possibly sully Mi Cai’s purity with a messy past and a body that had been with so many women?
If there was a crystal-clear city in my heart, then Mi Cai must have had one in hers too, but I had no right to be the man in her city.
If I truly loved her, I should quietly protect her with self-awareness, until she met the man who was meant to spend the rest of her life with her.
…
It was not until 2 p.m. that I finally returned to Xuzhou, a city I had longed for yet now felt distant from. Standing in front of my home, I hesitated before pressing the doorbell, because earlier I had promised my father that I would bring Mi Cai back with me, and now I had broken that promise. I was sure he would feel disappointed.
I stood there for a full minute before finally pressing the bell. My mother opened the door. She looked left and right and asked, “Zhaoyang, didn’t your father say you were bringing a decent girl home for me to meet? Where is she?”
I hugged her with a smile and said, “Mom, Happy New Year! I’ve really missed you!”
She pushed me away gently, finally not scolding me, but sighing helplessly, “You… after staying in Suzhou for so long, you still haven’t become any more reliable!”
“Yeah, that’s why I can never find a decent girl.”
My mother sighed again, “Sigh… I don’t know what to do with you. Come inside first. I’ll go heat up some food for you.”
Walking into the house, I saw my father sitting on the sofa watching the recording of last night’s CCTV Spring Festival Gala. When he saw me come in, he instinctively glanced behind me before putting down the remote control and asking, “Where’s Xiaomi? Didn’t you say you were coming back together?”
Still smiling, I replied, “Yes, but she had to go to her uncle’s place at the last minute… Well… it’s actually better this way, since it’s better for her to spend the New Year with her family rather than coming to Xuzhou!”
My overly defensive explanation made my father frown. Usually so indifferent, his expression this time looked even more disappointed than my mother’s had been when she heard the news. This made me realize: since my previous relationship with Li Xiaoyun, my mother had lost interest in any other girl, while my father had always accepted Mi Cai. Perhaps there was a difference of opinion between them on this matter, but this difference only added more pressure on me. Because now it seemed clear that neither Li Xiaoyun nor Mi Cai would ever end up with me.
Besides emotional matters, my immediate priority now was to figure out how to redeem that guitar and return it to Jianwei.
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