I sat by the table eating the food my mom had reheated for me, while she sat across from me keeping me company. Dad was still sitting on the sofa watching TV in the same posture as always.
If the heart remains unmoved, there will be no pain. Therefore, I didn’t let my emotions affect my appetite. Driven by hunger, I devoured my meal hungrily.
“Zhaoyang, do you realize how old you’ll be after this New Year?” Mom finally spoke her first words to me.
“27.”
“Hmm, at least you haven’t gone senile yet!”
I stopped chewing, looked at Mom, and after a while said, “Mom, why do I feel like you always treat me like an idiot? That’s fine on regular days, but is it appropriate to start the New Year like this?”
“If you weren’t an idiot, could you have done all those irresponsible things? Tell me, what kind of life should a 27-year-old man have?”
“Married with kids and a stable career. Is that a decent answer?”
“It’s decent enough, but look at yourself—do those eight words have anything to do with you at all?”
I shook my head weakly and said, “No… but since the second half of last year, I’ve been striving hard to follow those eight words. Please don’t deny my efforts.”
“I’m not denying your efforts, but tell me what results you’ve achieved through them.”
“Mom, this isn’t something that can be accomplished overnight. How could there be results so quickly?”
“No matter what I say, you always find a way to justify yourself… It’s the New Year, so I don’t want to nag too much. I just have one question for you.”
“You ask, and I promise to give you a proper answer.”
Mom nodded and said, “Tell me, after finishing up the matters in Suzhou, do you really plan to return to Xuzhou?”
“Well… honestly, I’m not sure right now.”
Mom’s expression immediately turned displeased. “You unpredictable child, I can’t expect you to realize this yourself. I’ll make this decision for you. I’m giving you two more months. After that, you must return to Xuzhou… By then, your dad and I will also use this time to borrow some money from relatives and friends to help you pay the down payment for a house. Then you can settle down in Xuzhou and find a job to pay off your mortgage!”
“Mom, how could I let you and Dad worry about buying a house for me? You’re already old enough, and I really can’t bear to see you doing this for me. Even if I have to buy a house, I should figure it out on my own…”
Mom gave a cold laugh. “Figure it out on your own? I’ll have to wait until the housing prices in Xuzhou drop to two or three thousand per square meter before I can even consider whether you’re capable.”
I immediately felt ashamed and knew exactly how clever my mom was. She wanted to completely trap me in Xuzhou with a house. If I really bought one and had a huge mortgage, I wouldn’t have a choice but to settle down obediently.
But what could I do? My miserable past few years had already made Mom completely lose faith in me. I guess I really was a failure—so much so that no one was willing to give me even a bit of trust anymore.
Dad, who had been silent all along, finally spoke up. He said to Mom, “I disagree with borrowing money to buy a house. He should solve this issue himself. We’ve already fulfilled our duty as parents by supporting him through college.”
“Old Zhao, you shouldn’t say that. We’ve worked hard all our lives just for our son, right? Buying him a house isn’t spoiling him—it’s giving him some pressure so he’ll finally settle down and take life seriously.”
“Let him walk his own path. If you keep holding his hand and supporting him like this, he’ll never walk steadily on his own.”
“Old Zhao, how can you be so relaxed? I’m telling you, the reason our troublesome son has become like this is partly because of your indulgence. If you had taken care of him more back then, he wouldn’t have broken up with Xiaoyun… What a great girl she was! I still feel heartache thinking about it now!”
Feeling frustrated, I was even more afraid that the two of them would argue about me on the first day of the New Year, so I quickly said, “Dad, Mom, please don’t fight, especially not because of me. It’s really not worth it…”
Dad didn’t say anything, but Mom, still angry, said, “Zhaoyang, if you don’t want to see our family in chaos, then settle down and behave yourself immediately.”
“Mom, tell me exactly what you consider settling down, and I’ll listen to you, okay?”
Mom sat back down on the chair and said to me, “I’ll call Xiaoyun later. Tonight, you two should find a place to meet and chat, to see what she’s thinking now.”
I felt helpless and, after a while, forced a bitter smile as I said, “Mom, do you really think I still have the face to approach Xiaoyun?”
“You’re a boy, how come you’re so hesitant? I’m calling Xiaoyun right now. If she says she doesn’t want to see you, I won’t force you. But if she’s willing, you have to go out and meet her tonight.”
Without giving me a chance to speak, Mom immediately took out her phone and dialed Li Xiaoyun’s number.
A moment later, the call connected. After speaking a few words, Mom handed the phone to me and said, “Xiaoyun wants to talk to you. See, a girl like her isn’t as hesitant as you!”
I felt a bitterness I couldn’t express. Of course, Xiaoyun didn’t need to be hesitant—because she had never wronged me. It was me who had wronged her.
I took the phone from my mom, instantly feeling my heart race. I desperately tried to think of a proper opening line, but the moment I put the phone to my ear, I fell completely silent. Until I heard Xiaoyun’s voice on the other end—both unfamiliar and familiar.
“Zhaoyang, are you there?”
“Uh… yeah… I’m listening!” My first words were incoherent.
Xiaoyun chuckled and said, “Did you stutter all the way through the New Year in Suzhou?”
After Xiaoyun’s joke, I finally felt a bit more relaxed and managed to speak in a normal tone. “I didn’t stutter… Happy New Year, Xiaoyun!”
“Happy New Year.”
I fell silent again. After a breakup, two people couldn’t talk about the past or the future, and there was genuinely nothing to say.
Mom was giving me meaningful glances, and I desperately wanted to break the awkward silence. So, to finally satisfy my mom’s expectations, I finally said to Xiaoyun, “Are you free tonight? Let me treat you to coffee.”
Xiaoyun laughed but didn’t speak immediately.
I quickly added, “If you’re busy, it’s okay. Don’t feel pressured!”
“I’m free, but you have to tell me—will this be another time when you come empty-handed and end up making me pay?”
Faced with Xiaoyun’s teasing, I felt both embarrassed and sad. Thinking back, Xiaoyun really was a great girl—she had always been considerate of my poverty and difficult circumstances during our first meeting.
After a long silence, I said something very serious in a joking tone: “Don’t worry, I’ve saved up some money. As long as you’re willing, I’ll make sure you drink so much coffee you’ll be sick of it.”
“Alright then, eight o’clock tonight, same coffee shop.”
“Okay, see you at eight.”
…
After ending the call with Xiaoyun, I handed the phone back to my mom. She looked at me with approval and said, “Now that’s what a real man should do. Tonight, talk to Xiaoyun properly. A girl’s anger usually fades after a while. If she still cares about you, she’ll give you another chance.”
“Mom, don’t get your hopes up too high. Tonight’s meeting with Xiaoyun was entirely your idea. I’m sure she probably agreed just to be polite and not to offend you either.”
“I don’t care whether Xiaoyun is doing it out of respect for me or not. I’ll say it again: if she’s willing to forgive you, you should properly settle down with her. If she truly has no feelings left for you, I won’t force you either.”
“Mom, you’re being so reasonable and thorough!”
“Don’t be sarcastic. Tonight, make sure to seize this opportunity. I know a bit about that girl from Suzhou. She’s not suitable for you. Stop dreaming about chasing after swans and finally settle down, understand?”
I felt another wave of frustration and didn’t respond. As for Xiaoyun, I preferred to meet her as a long-lost friend and just chat with her.
…
After enduring the torment from my mom, I finally returned to my room to rest. I took out the engagement ring I had once given to Xiaoyun from my bag.
I stared at the ring for a long time and made a decision. I planned to pawn this ring and use the money to redeem the guitar that Jianwei had given me from Ajie.
It might seem absurd, but I had already lived absurdly enough. One more absurd act wouldn’t matter. At least this absurd act would allow me to fulfill my promise to Jianwei, and then I could face her honestly and without shame. In that sense, maybe it wasn’t absurd after all.
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