When I stepped out of the villa, the heavy pressure that had been suffocating me suddenly disappeared, yet the sense of humiliation clung persistently to my heart.
After walking along the asphalt road outside the villa for a while, I finally saw a taxi and left by it.
During the trip to the city center, I felt empty inside, as if I could no longer see my future or figure out how to handle my relationship with Mi Cai. I realized that both of us had initially blindly underestimated the pressures of real life.
Suddenly, I felt I deserved what had happened. Mi Cai had never experienced love before, and she might not understand the immense pressure love faces when there is a gap in social status—but didn’t I know this already? Even so, why did I still choose to go all in? Perhaps deep in my heart, I still longed for that crystalline city, still yearned for a love untainted by worldly dust.
When I arrived in the city center, I headed directly to the station to catch a bus back to Suzhou. However, I received a call from Mi Cai. After hesitating for a moment, I finally answered.
“Zhaoyang, where did you go?”
“On my way back to Suzhou.”
“…I’m sorry, Mi Lan shouldn’t have made you leave. But… she was targeting me, not you. Please don’t be angry, okay?”
“You really don’t need to comfort me. She wasn’t targeting you or me—she was targeting poverty. Don’t you think I looked utterly pathetic among your relatives and friends? It was I who made you lose face in front of your family!”
“You really made me feel so sad saying that!”
I was silent for a while, the bitterness in my heart intensifying. Even though I felt wronged, I shouldn’t take it out on Mi Cai, a poor woman herself. Finally, I softened my tone and said to her, “I will work hard—for you, and for myself… Be happy. Time will eventually clarify everything else.”
…
In the afternoon, I returned to the old house in Suzhou. The first thing I did was take off the Burberry suit I was wearing, then I lay on the sofa, smoking one cigarette after another in the haze of uncertainty about my future, completely ignoring the hunger from having skipped lunch.
I asked myself, why am I in so much pain?
Because I love her. Otherwise, I could have easily given up this relationship without any burden, going back to my old life, at least being free.
But I couldn’t let go. So the only thing I could do was to channel all my grievances and feelings of inferiority into motivation, work hard, and build my own career. That way, I could hold my head high and face life—and those who once looked down on me—with confidence.
The sky outside had already darkened when I finally cooked myself a bowl of instant noodles, eating it tastelessly before slipping into a panic of having nothing to do. Yet I didn’t want to go to a bar and drown my sorrows in alcohol, so I chose to go for a walk again to relieve my inner distress.
Originally, I hadn’t set any destination for myself, but instinctively I still ended up by the moat. Perhaps this place had already become my only shelter in this city, and I needed to find some comfort and solace here.
When I lay on that withered lawn, enjoying the spring breeze blowing past me, my heart gradually calmed down, and I eventually fell asleep, exhausted.
I was only awakened when I felt someone nudging me. Dazed, I opened my eyes and found Jian Wei sitting beside me.
She smiled at me and said, “Zhaoyang, we meet here again.”
I sat up from the grass, instinctively took out a cigarette from the pack and lit it before saying, “I come here often lately. You haven’t been around much.”
“Work has been too busy lately, but I still occasionally come here to sit for a while.”
“Oh… What about Xiang Chen? Doesn’t he accompany you?”
“He’s even busier than me. He’s been in Shenzhen for several days already.” After a brief pause, she asked me, “Have you had a lot on your mind lately?”
I exhaled heavily and smiled helplessly, “Yeah.”
“Did you have a fight with Mi Cai?”
“Work-related issues.”
I didn’t want to delve too deeply into this topic with Jian Wei, so I changed the subject and asked her, “Did you really bring gasoline to Ji’s music shop last time?”
Jian Wei was first taken aback, then she laughed, “The bucket was filled with water. I just wanted to scare him a bit.”
I couldn’t help but laugh bitterly and replied, “You really scared him out of his wits. I never knew you had such amazing acting skills before!”
“This has nothing to do with acting skills.”
“Then what does it have to do with?”
Jian Wei pouted but didn’t answer, so we fell into silence.
After sitting there for about five minutes, Jian Wei suddenly walked toward the riverside. I thought she had something urgent to do, but instead, she took out a guitar case from the trunk of her car, took out the guitar, and walked down the embankment toward me, standing in front of me.
Confused, I looked at her and asked, “What do you mean?”
“Not returning your guitar. I just hope you can play a song on this guitar.”
I didn’t respond immediately to Jian Wei’s request. I just stared at the guitar, some parts of which had turned pale from my own sweat, and suddenly I felt a strong sense of familiarity.
So, I finally took the guitar from Jian Wei’s hands and asked her, “What song?”
“Tears, by FAN Xuan.”
I recalled the song, mentally worked out the chords, and after confirming it was manageable, I nodded at Jian Wei, then strummed the strings of the guitar and played “Tears.”
I thought this would be my solo performance, but unexpectedly, Jian Wei joined in singing along with the accompaniment.
“If youth has a face that never ages, I hope it will never change. Many dreams are always too beautifully woven, only to be followed by disillusionment. Falling in love with you was the happiest thing, yet it brought the most painful sorrow. The bittersweet taste of love, no matter how I try, I just can’t learn to let go. Oh… Tears, tears are all my experiences, the taste of growing up. Oh… Tears, holding back tears so you won’t see, I am changing. The feeling of loneliness, you’ve never noticed. My laughter still holds tears. Oh… Tears, tears flowing through silent nights, the pain in my heart. Oh… Tears, wiping away tears and forgetting everything, the love we once had. Tears are bitter, tears are sorrow, tears are all my experiences. Tears are sweet, tears are yesterday, tears that don’t fall…”
The singing stopped gradually, but I could clearly hear the emotion in Jian Wei’s voice, especially in the line, “Falling in love with you was the happiest thing, yet it brought the most painful sorrow…”
Gradually, I was also immersed in these lyrics, unable to extricate myself, because for us, this was a bitterly ironic summary.
Still lost in thought, Jian Wei suddenly did something that caught me completely off guard. She snatched the guitar back from my hands and, without a moment’s hesitation, threw it into the deep, endless moat.
Watching the guitar floating on the water, my heart twisted with an uncontrollable pain, but Jian Wei, with tears in her eyes, smiled at me and said, “Perhaps this is the best ending!”
The body of the guitar had already started taking on water, and as it was about to sink to the bottom of the river forever, all my rationality collapsed in an instant. I took off my down jacket, climbed over the railing, and dove headfirst into the deep, endless moat.
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