After entering the room, because there was no private bathroom and we were just planning to stay overnight, both Mi Cai and I skipped brushing our teeth and washing up. She lay on the bed fully dressed, while I sat on a wooden chair. Under the dim light, we sat silently facing each other.
“You can smoke if you want to.”
Looking at Mi Cai, this seemed like the first time she had ever allowed me to smoke. Yet precisely because of that, I was less inclined to hurt her with secondhand smoke.
To completely eliminate the temptation to smoke, I crushed the cigarette pack and threw it into the nearby trash bin.
“Why did you throw the cigarettes away?”
I didn’t answer directly, only telling her, “You must be tired. Get some rest early.”
“What about you?”
“I’ll sleep after you fall asleep.”
Mi Cai looked at me, as if she wanted to say something but hesitated.
“What’s wrong?”
“I need to use the restroom. Can you accompany me?”
“Yeah, I need to pee too. Let’s go together.”
…
The corridor didn’t even have a stairwell light. I used the flashlight on my phone to illuminate the way as we walked side by side.
Finally reaching the public restroom, I handed my phone to Mi Cai and said, “I’ll go in first. Wait outside for a moment.”
Mi Cai nodded.
I opened the door and walked in. Inside, someone had vomited everywhere, the pungent smell making me feel nauseated. I unbuckled my belt and relieved myself as quickly as possible.
I barely had time to fasten my belt before rushing out of the restroom and telling Mi Cai, “It’s too dirty in there. Let’s go ask the landlady if there’s another restroom.”
Mi Cai handed the phone back to me and said, “If you can do it, I can too.”
I tried to stop her, but she had already walked into the restroom and shut the door behind her.
Because of women’s inherent disadvantages, Mi Cai spent twice as long as I did in that filthy restroom, which made me increasingly worried about her.
Eventually, Mi Cai came out covering her nose, gagging slightly.
I gently patted her back, half scolding yet more concerned, sighing, “Why did you have to do that? It would have been better to just find a tree outside the hotel to hide behind!”
Mi Cai shook her head and walked quickly ahead. I followed closely behind her, and we both felt relieved returning to the room. She still lay on that small wooden bed, while I sat on the chair.
At that moment, after experiencing the nausea, Mi Cai seemed to have lost her sleepiness, staring blankly at the ceiling.
Finally, I said to her, “You’ve experienced the helplessness of being poor, right? Although we were forced to stay here tonight, long-haul drivers often have to stay in roadside motels like this. I’ve experienced similar situations too many times, because I was simply not born to stay in luxury hotels!”
After a long pause, she replied indifferently, “I don’t want to hear this.”
“Then go to sleep. After tonight, you won’t have to go through this again. Just return to being your old self.”
Mi Cai ignored me and turned her body to face away from me.
I tucked my coat around me, then reached out to turn off the light in the room. I leaned on the desk, hoping to fall asleep quickly, but half an hour passed and I still wasn’t the least bit sleepy. Perhaps the bench was too hard, or maybe I was thinking too much.
I tried not to make any noise as I sat upright, opening my eyes and facing the darkness.
She softly asked me, “Zhaoyang, can’t you fall asleep?”
“I’m not sleepy. Why are you still awake?”
“I’m not sleepy either.”
“Try counting sheep: one, two, three, and you’ll get sleepy.”
“Why don’t you count?”
“I don’t like counting sheep. I like counting dinosaurs.”
“Then count dinosaurs.”
“They’re extinct already. Why bother… I’m used to insomnia. You should go to sleep quickly.”
Mi Cai was silent for a while, then her tone turned serious as she asked me, “If we had died in that car accident just now, would we be in another world right now?”
“Do you hope there is another world?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t hope there is.”
“Why?”
“I’m afraid the other world might be even more pretentious. It’s better to just disappear completely.”
Mi Cai didn’t speak.
After a long silence, I asked her again, “Are you afraid of death?”
“Yes. Are you afraid?”
“If I say I’m not, would you believe me?”
Mi Cai thought for a moment and said, “I believe you. That’s why you always act recklessly without considering the consequences. And there’s nothing more frightening than death in this world.”
“Of course there is something more frightening than death.”
“Tell me what it is.”
“When sincerity doesn’t receive sincerity in return… If sincerity could be exchanged for sincerity, many things wouldn’t go wrong.”
“Are you talking about us?”
“No, this is a general statement. It applies to love, friendship, family, teacher-student relationships, etc.”
After thinking for a moment, I added, “Actually, sometimes both people want to treat each other sincerely, but because of differences in worldviews, values, and social status, the ways they express sincerity differ. Eventually, the two sincere hearts drift apart because they can’t connect.”
“This time, are you talking about us?”
“Perhaps.”
…
As we conversed, the night grew deeper, and I finally yawned.
“If you’re uncomfortable sleeping on the chair, come lie on the bed.”
“I’m afraid I might make a mistake…”
“You’re not afraid of death, but you’re afraid of making a mistake?”
“Death only hurts yourself, but making a mistake hurts others.”
“Now that you understand this, you won’t make a mistake with me. How can you sleep well sitting on a chair? Go to bed quickly.”
With a clear conscience, I finally stopped overthinking and lay down beside Mi Cai fully clothed.
In the dark, she curled up like a cat lacking security in my arms and softly asked me, “Zhaoyang, do we really have to break up?”
“I’m just a meteor, never able to give you diamonds… We were immature in our love, making mistakes repeatedly… Everything started from impulse and should now return to rationality. Although it’s a bit late, we can still turn back. If we wait until there’s no way out, the pain that follows will be unbearable.”
“Maybe you’re right. That’s why we were so happy before we got together… Sometimes being friends is much happier than being lovers…”
…
Since Mi Cai lay in my arms, the night became peaceful for me. I didn’t feel any desire to possess her physically, perhaps because her beauty felt too surreal, or perhaps because I truly loved her…
The next day, I woke up to the sunlight in my eyes, and Mi Cai was no longer by my side. She had left a note on the bedside table.
“Yang, I don’t know if we have officially broken up, but I still want to tell you: I’m willing to stay in such a small hotel with you and experience the life you’ve lived. I understand your concerns, know that you still love me, and realize that we both used the wrong way to love each other… I’m going to the U.S., for two months… During these two months, I hope you can live happily, waiting happily for my return… Oh, my assistant is waiting for you outside the hotel. Go find her when you wake up; she’ll take you back to Xitang. Lastly, I wish your inn great success!”
I kept rereading the note Mi Cai left, asking myself: Could there really be such a thing as fate? An accident had prompted an honest conversation, breaking through my self-assured facade of indifference.
How ridiculous I was! …Knowing I truly loved her, how could I pretend not to care in front of such a perceptive woman? She had seen through me long ago.
I took a deep breath, put the note into my pocket, looked out the window, and thought to myself, “Then I’ll see you in two months… But why suddenly go to the U.S.?”
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