Back in Suzhou, I dropped Mi Cai off at the hotel where the cocktail party was being held. Then I retrieved her luggage from Wei Ran’s car and left alone. Later, I went to a supermarket to buy rice and vegetables, returned to the old house, washed all the tableware that hadn’t been used for a long time, and began cooking rice, stir-frying dishes, and making soup. Finally, I cleaned the house thoroughly from inside out.
Outside the window, the sky had already darkened. Feeling somewhat lonely, I wandered around the house, fetched my guitar, and sat in front of the TV playing and singing. Wave after wave of thoughts surged through my mind, yet I still couldn’t figure out the troubles I was facing. Eventually, I even lost the mood for singing, placed the guitar aside, and sat staring blankly at the TV, not paying attention at all to what was being broadcast. That was until a piece of entertainment news about Leyao caught my attention, bringing me back to my senses. I took out a cigarette from my pocket, lit it, and began paying attention to her news.
In the entertainment report, Leyao had moved on to the big screen and accepted a role in a certain director’s art-house film. She defined this film as a turning point in her career, expressing her eagerness to take on the challenge of portraying a female character full of artistic temperament. At the end of the entertainment news, they inserted a clip of her winning the Best Progressing Actress award at an authoritative award ceremony last month. Only then did I realize how busy she had been lately, which explained why we had barely kept in touch over the past month or so. However, this busyness had brought about obvious progress, making it all worthwhile. Her life was developing exactly as she had wished, and it would only get better and better…
A long ash fell from my fingers onto my clothes, bringing me back to reality. I hurriedly brushed it off and checked the time—it was already nine o’clock at night.
Guessing Mi Cai would be back soon, I went to the kitchen to reheat the food and brought everything to the table. I wanted to light some candles to create a romantic atmosphere, but my unresolved troubles kept spoiling my mood, making me even more frustrated. I returned to my room, lit another cigarette, and pondered how I would bring up Wei Ran’s visit with Mi Cai later.
…
Just as I was finishing my cigarette, I heard the sound of keys inserting into the lock outside. Mi Cai had finally returned. I quickly stubbed out the cigarette butt and walked out of my room.
There was a slight flush on her face. Apparently, despite her low tolerance for alcohol, she had unavoidably drunk some at the party. I asked her, “Why didn’t you call me to pick you up?”
“You’ve already worked so hard preparing this delicious meal—I haven’t even thanked you yet. How could I possibly trouble you to come get me?”
“You’re being too polite. You really are!”
Mi Cai put down her handbag, smiling as she walked toward me. Then she wrapped her arms around my waist and softly asked in my ear, “Have you missed me while I was away?”
“Of course I have! I always wonder whether you’ve lost weight or gained some!”
She lifted my chin with her hand, making me look at her, and asked, “Then tell me, have I gotten thinner or fatter?”
I gazed at her. Our faces were merely twenty centimeters apart, yet I could not detect even the slightest imperfection on her cheeks. She was so beautiful! So beautiful that I feared I might not be able to look at her this closely anymore in the future, to feel her light breathing so near me… I lowered my head and kissed her. My other hand reached to the buttons on her blouse, undoing the first, then the second, and then the third…
Suddenly, she grabbed my hand, her breath uneven as she asked, “Do you really… want this?”
My breathing was even more unsteady as I replied, “Yes…”
“Will you marry me then… and spend your whole life only with me!”
“Yes…”
Mi Cai finally closed her eyes. My hands began moving again. Just as I was about to unbutton the last one, fragments of thoughts suddenly flashed through my mind, controlling my nerves and causing my hands to stop caressing. I stared blankly at the curtain fluttering in the wind by the window, as if seeing the uncertainty of life itself… On what grounds could I make such an unprincipled promise to stay with her forever, when those unresolved issues remained? Before solving them, wouldn’t that promise be nothing but a blatant lie?
This was the second time since we had started dating that I had unbuttoned her clothes, only to give up again. I couldn’t bring myself to deceive such an untouchable woman with my own uncertainty. So I took a deep breath, gradually suppressing my physical desire, pulled away from her, sat back onto the sofa, and sank into my own emotional torment…
She didn’t immediately fasten her buttons, but looked at me with a complicated expression, waiting for me to explain why I had suddenly stopped.
I picked up the cigarette box from the coffee table, my fingers slightly trembling as I pulled out a cigarette, put it in my mouth, and repeatedly flicked the lighter several times before finally igniting it…
Mi Cai slowly fastened each button, but her eyes never left me.
I took a deep puff of the cigarette, closed my eyes, and exhaled heavily. I waited until the smoke had completely dissipated before finally opening my eyes and speaking, “Wei Ran came to see me…”
“Why did he want to see you?”
“Because he loves you… He wants me to leave you, otherwise…”
“Otherwise what?”
A sudden weight pressed heavily on my chest, an unbearable sense of helplessness. I hesitated for a long time before finally speaking—my hands instinctively reaching for the cigarette beside me, only to be stopped by Mi Cai. She pressed on, “Tell me, what would happen otherwise?”
Looking into her eyes, a desire for clarity finally pushed me to speak, “Otherwise, he might very likely affect your control over Zhuo Mei… He definitely has the ability to do that, right?”
Mi Cai fell silent, her eyes filled with disbelief and confusion. After a long pause, she seemed to be talking to herself, “No, that’s not possible. We already agreed in the U.S. to continue being just friends. We’ve known each other for almost five years, and he has never lied to me. He wouldn’t make such an unreasonable request.”
“I haven’t lied to you either.”
Mi Cai’s expression turned pained. She seemed to have realized she was caught in a painful dilemma…
After a long silence, I finally spoke again, “I thought you deserved to know this, so you could make a choice… Whatever decision you make, I will always respect it, because I don’t want you to lose the most precious and important thing in your life.”
I waited anxiously for her decision, but she remained silent. Gradually, I could see the pain hidden behind her silence, which made me hate Wei Ran’s threat even more. However, not everyone is like CC, who silently gives and blesses. Many people are instead ruled by their own selfish possessiveness, losing their rationality in madness—Wei Ran was one of them.
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