Mica’s silence made me somewhat uneasy, fearing that speaking too much would lead to mistakes, so I responded with silence as well. Thus, the night became even quieter. Our figures were reflected on the window, as if we were souls clinging to the glass, trembling slightly with the blowing wind and filled with anxiety.
I didn’t know how long this silence had lasted before Mica finally spoke: “If you think you should go to Beijing, then just go.”
“I’m conflicted; whether I go or not, it feels like a mistake!”
“If I make you feel this conflicted, then it’s my mistake… Therefore, you don’t need to feel this conflicted. Consider this as my effort to be a graceful woman.”
I fell silent for a moment, unsure whether reason had defeated impulse or vice versa, before finally saying to Mica, “Then tomorrow I’ll go to Beijing to see her.”
“Hmm.”
“When CC comes back, I’ll return.”
“Okay.”
I looked at Mica, not knowing what else to say. I simply turned off the light for her, picked up the empty milk cup, left her room, and stood outside her door for a long time after closing it, until I had suppressed all my emotions before returning to my own room.
…
The next morning, I woke up early. First, I went to the ATM downstairs to withdraw some cash, then bought two portions of breakfast. After packing my luggage briefly, Mica had also gotten up. We sat at that small dining table and had breakfast together.
I handed her a cup of iced soy milk and watched her, trying to see what emotions she was showing. However, she remained as calm as usual and simply said, “Thank you.”
We continued eating breakfast. She ate very little and finished before me. I thought she would go to work first, but instead, she just sat there watching me. I couldn’t help but ask in confusion, “What’s wrong? Is there something on my face?”
She shook her head and said, “Are you flying from Shanghai?”
“Yeah.”
“Then I’ll drive you to the airport.”
“You’re so busy; I can just take the express bus.”
“I’ll drive you.”
Her insistence caught me off guard, so we just stared at each other. Then she smiled faintly and said, “Hurry up and eat, or you’ll miss your 9:30 flight.”
…
Mica didn’t completely drop me off at the airport terminal. She stopped only at the square in front of the airport and didn’t even turn off the car engine. I got out and took my luggage myself, then knocked on the car window. After she rolled the window down, I said to her, “I’m leaving now.”
Her reply remained concise: “Okay.”
I couldn’t think of a second sentence to say. I looked at her and turned to leave. At this moment, she called me again, “Zhaoyang, wait.”
I turned back to face her… Finally, she opened the car door, stood in front of me, and adjusted my sunglasses, saying, “Your glasses aren’t straight.”
Through my sunglasses, I looked at her, also wearing sunglasses, but I couldn’t see her eyes at all. Her pale face, under the sunlight, was like a translucent droplet, indescribably beautiful… At this moment, dazzled by the sunlight, I felt somewhat dazed and couldn’t see through the secrets beneath this beauty. I hurriedly reminded myself not to let this trip to Beijing create any complications, because I was about to marry her.
…
As the plane pierced through the clouds, I finally felt as though I were flying from one world to another. When the two worlds began to overlap, I felt an inexplicable emptiness again. To fill this void, I kept recalling recent events over and over again… Then I fell asleep from exhaustion, only to be trapped in a giant net in my dream. Suddenly, my entire life stopped growing, and I watched helplessly as that crystal-clear city, carrying the woman with long hair flowing over her shoulders, flew further and further away, while I myself shrank smaller and smaller…
It wasn’t until the plane landed at the airport in Beijing that I realized it was all just a dream! Fortunately, it was only a dream!
…
After getting off the plane, Luo Ben was already waiting for me at the airport in Le Yao’s car. After getting out of the car, he handed me a room key and said, “This is the key card for the apartment where Le Yao is staying. Take it… I have to leave immediately; my flight is at 12:30.”
I nodded and took the key card from Luo Ben, then asked, “How is she today?”
“You can go see for yourself.” Saying this, Luo Ben tossed me the key to that Mercedes-Benz CLS as well and, with his guitar already on his back, walked into the airport.
I kept watching his figure disappear from my sight before glancing at the car key and room card in my hand. I couldn’t help but ask myself: Luo Ben also has a girlfriend, yet he can calmly take care of Le Yao. Why can’t I?
With that thought, I no longer wanted to bother with those damn constraints. I got into the car and drove straight through the wind toward Le Yao’s apartment.
Carrying the ingredients I had bought along the way, I opened the door to the apartment and was immediately met with a scene of mess and disorder. The ashtray was filled with cigarette butts, and there were scattered beer cans. Le Yao’s bedroom door remained closed, and I had no idea whether Luo Ben had broken in last night.
I stood outside the room listening. Inside came the sounds of someone playing a video game, filled with fighting noises. I knocked on the door, but there was no response.
I knew Le Yao was inside. I lifted my foot, ready to kick the door open, but then thought maybe it wasn’t locked, so I gave up this violent idea. I turned the handle and, as expected, easily pushed the door open. Then I saw Le Yao sitting cross-legged next to the TV. She was wearing loose pajamas, her hair disheveled, with several empty beer cans beside her and a lit cigarette in her hand. She wasn’t even inhaling, yet the room was already filled with smoke.
I approached her, and she looked up at me. I immediately scolded, “Keep acting like this, and you won’t be able to live anymore!”
Le Yao ignored me, turned her attention back to the game, and continued playing. The long ash finally couldn’t bear its own weight and fell from the tip of her cigarette onto the carpet…
I fetched an ashtray, took the cigarette from her hand, and put it out in the ashtray. Without any emotion, she said to me, “Did I ask you to come here?”
“If you weren’t acting like this self-destructive mess, I wouldn’t bother with you!”
“Then get lost!”
I paused in the middle of tidying the room and looked up at her, asking, “What did you say?”
“Get lost! Hurry up and leave! So you won’t catch the toxic self-destruction from me.”
I suppressed my anger and picked up the empty beer cans from the floor, putting them into the trash bin…
Le Yao lit another cigarette, holding it without inhaling. After a moment of silence, she stared at a corner of the wall and said, “Zhaoyang, when you’re already happy, never look back at other women, because that’s a very dangerous thing to do!”
“Have you drunk yourself stupid? What nonsense are you talking about?”
Le Yao finally brought the lit cigarette to her lips and took a puff. Immediately, she choked, but then she took out her anger on me: “Why don’t you just get lost… Are you leaving or not?… Hurry up and leave?”
Her voice grew softer and softer, then turned into sobs. Her sobs became weeping, and finally, she looked at me silently, tears streaming down her face…
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