The streetlights flickered back on, their light spilling through the window onto our dining table. I drank another bottle of beer, and dizziness soon followed. In this haze, I seemed to look back into the past. Within those fragments of memory, what had I ever done for love?
After breaking up with Jian Wei, I began living a decadent and indulgent life, which allowed someone the opportunity to take so many photos. These photos convinced Jian Wei, who had originally planned to fly back from America, to tear up her plane ticket in despair.
After breaking up with Mi Cai, I always took an aggressive stance, never thinking about trying to reconcile. Yet perhaps, on some quiet nights, she might have thought of me. But my only response was hurt.
What caused this cold form of violence within me? What lurks deep in my heart, constantly causing turmoil… making me so incapable of understanding women?
Perhaps it was the word “breakup” that shattered me. Maybe I viewed the idea of breaking up with too much despair, rejecting all possibilities and thereby eliminating any remaining space for reconciliation…
Fang Yuan continued to advise me: “Zhaoyang, when men and women are together, there are inevitably some ups and downs. Yan Yan and I once also considered breaking up, but we managed to work things out because we were willing to calm down, give each other a chance, and give love an opportunity. As you can see, nowadays there are many people who remarry after divorce. Why do you have to isolate yourself, treating a breakup as something utterly hopeless? Maybe at the moment you feel despair, she is actually waiting for you to plead with her, hoping to feel that you cannot live without her!”
My stubborn heart faintly began to soften. I lit another cigarette, and with each breath, I felt the pain of those sleepless nights might have been nothing more than a figment of my overly subjective imagination. At this moment, I felt even more pain.
…
Leaving the small restaurant, I carried half a bottle of unfinished beer and walked onto a pedestrian bridge embedded within the city. In my blurred vision, I watched the endless stream of cars below. The soul within my body was pierced by the flashing lights. The wind, joining in the commotion, whistled through these piercings, carrying with it the chill of autumn. I gradually felt empty, so empty that I couldn’t remember what I had done or what I was expecting.
I was drunk, collapsed on this nearly abandoned bridge. Yielding to the intoxication, I took out my phone from my pocket, found Mi Cai’s number, and sent her a message with only a comma, hiding within the softness of the city. I wanted to tell her that I was unwilling to put a full stop between us.
I waited. But perhaps she couldn’t understand, or maybe she had already placed a full stop between us. Perhaps I should be more proactive, but tonight I was helpless—I was drunk!
Finally, a kind passerby came onto this abandoned bridge. He woke me up and asked where I lived. I told him the address of my old house. He helped me down the bridge and escorted me into a taxi.
After arriving at my destination, the driver helped me to the entrance of the apartment building. I handed him a hundred yuan note, pressed my aching head, and told him to keep the change. He said “Thank you” and left. My world fell silent again—or perhaps it was just the neighborhood that was quiet. Lately, it seemed that many residents had moved away because this place had become too old, nearly devoid of any urban atmosphere.
Using my hands and feet, I climbed the stairs, gasping for breath as I leaned against the door at the top. I took out a cigarette and lit it. I knew that tonight Mi Cai wouldn’t come, but I still wanted to come and recall the moment we first met here. Perhaps then I could figure out how we had become what we are now and what had destroyed everything we had built together.
My head grew heavier, yet my consciousness became sharper. I thought of the life I had once dreamed of during my roaring youth, including love. I thought of that imagined river of happiness flowing within the melody of a guitar…
But all of this had already drifted further and further away from me. So, within the remnants of my youth, I shed tears of remorse, unable to stop time from relentlessly moving forward… Under the hallucinogenic effects of alcohol, I hugged my head and sobbed painfully.
The door opened from the inside, and without support, I fell to the ground. Then I saw Mi Cai, whom I had verbally attacked during the day. I was panic-stricken, yet I didn’t even have the strength to struggle to sit up…
“You’ve been drinking?”
I managed a sobbing reply.
“How much did you drink?”
Finally, I sat up from the floor, wiping away the sticky tears on my face. With the greatest courage I had ever mustered, I said to her, “…Don’t marry him, okay?”
She looked at me with little emotion and asked, “Why? Can you give me a reason?”
“Because I think you haven’t forgotten me yet…”
“That was before today.”
“The reason I’m saying this today is because I don’t want you to walk down a… a wrong path, getting further and further off track!”
After a long silence, Mi Cai finally spoke: “But it’s not this that I want to hear from you… Go home. I’m leaving too. A cleaning company will come tomorrow to move everything out.”
“Where are you going?”
Mi Cai didn’t answer but said, “Don’t ask. Just go.”
“Please tell me, where can I go when I’m this drunk?”
“Anywhere you like. After all, you’re used to drifting around this city.”
Her words reminded me again of those days when I had nowhere to go—wandering alone in the night, so lonely and helpless. These memories of loneliness made me helpless once more, and I stared at her, dazed.
She extended her hand, intending to help me up. I grasped her hand, once again feeling its softness. My heart seemed to melt, and a thought popped into my mind. I asked her, “Is the guitar still there?”
My question surprised her, and after a while, she replied, “It’s in my car.”
“Can I borrow it… and in return, I’ll give you something after I’m done?”
She smiled and asked, “Is this a deal then?”
“Not a deal. It’s something I’ve owed you all along. Give me a chance, okay?”
“Zhaoyang, I really don’t need anything else from you anymore…”
Before she could finish, I grabbed her hand, which she hadn’t yet withdrawn, and turned on the motion-sensor light in the hallway. Dazedly, we made our way downstairs…
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