Standing on top of this tall building, I found myself so close to the suspended moon in the sky, yet I did not gain even a trace of warmth. I realized then that the moon merely borrows the sun’s light and itself has no warmth. Even if you draw nearer, do not expect it to chase away the cold. Perhaps the most foolish thing in this world is trying to warm oneself by moonlight.
Thus, in a daze, I seemed to transform into that very moon—radiating light but devoid of warmth. Below the moon stood a blurred human figure, already lonely for a hundred years…
I turned around, gently placing my hand on the red, swollen imprint on Leyao’s cheek. Smiling, I said to her, “The person may be real, but perhaps the loneliness and pain are not. After a hundred years, neither you nor I will exist, and those experiences of loneliness and pain cannot even prove that we once lived in this world…”
Leyao showed no emotion. She didn’t even look at me, only gazing at the city below, which had not become warmer despite the neon lights. She said, “Are you saying all this to brainwash me? …Hehe, actually, there’s no need. I didn’t even plan to invite you to the restaurant in the empty city today. You just showed up uninvited, so the pain I just experienced shouldn’t have existed at all. I’ll just consider it the tide you happened to bring along… Who cares about such trivial pain anyway? The most important thing for me now is to get married well. And you had better live a happier life than me!”
I nodded, lowering the hand that had been caressing her face. But suddenly, she pressed her hand over mine, and once again, warmth from her cheek spread through my palm… This warmth proved that we had truly been here tonight.
…
As expected, after leaving the building, I turned left while she went right. In no time, we had walked further and further apart. The only thing that remained unchanged were the neon lights still flickering, dyeing the city in a seductive glow so alluring that it made me, who could no longer fit in, want to escape.
I really did escape—to an old district where only dim yellow streetlights remained, without the dazzling neon lights. Precisely speaking, it was the westernmost part of the city, a place we referred to as “West of the Old Town.”
I leaned against a utility pole, staring at the dilapidated surroundings. An uncontrollable sense of bitterness welled up in my nose. At that moment, I completely believed that Leyao had once carried my child. Yet, when she endured the pain of miscarriage, I had doubted her. Even less than a month after the miscarriage, I jumped into a cold pool for a movie shoot without staying by her side to offer even a little care. Thinking back, I owed her, and I owed the affection we had shared during those absurd years.
If I were to divide my life so far into three stages, my time with Jianwei represented youthful recklessness, my time with Mi Cai was rebirth from the ashes, and my time with Leyao was absurd and bizarre… Perhaps it wasn’t Leyao I didn’t love, but that period of time. It seemed we had never met at the most appropriate moment!
A stream of tears rolled from my eyes. I tilted my head back, swallowing those tears, then lowered my head and wiped off a stream of mucus before walking through this old neighborhood in search of a store that sold cigarettes.
…
The old district would never be as prosperous or convenient as the new city. I walked several streets without encountering a single operating newsstand or convenience store. I had almost decided to give up and return to the new district where I belonged, or even to that old house Mi Cai and I had always been thinking about—it must have cigarettes for sale.
I walked from one end of the street to the other, looking around for a passing taxi, when I unexpectedly spotted a flower shop still open. On the blackboard outside, it clearly stated that cigarettes were for sale.
I entered the flower shop and saw a back figure busily working. I said, “Boss, do you have a pack of Marlboros?”
She turned around. She was a girl in her early twenties with a ponytail, very pretty and quiet. She shook her head, indicating that she didn’t have Marlboros.
I asked again, “What about Hongmei or Zhongnanhai?”
She once again shook her head apologetically. I was about to leave, as I wasn’t fond of other brands, but my craving for nicotine compelled me to ask a third time, “Then what cigarettes do you have for sale?”
She took out several packs of commonly sold cigarettes from the small bag she was wearing and handed them to me, though she never uttered a word.
I chose a pack of Hongtashan, absentmindedly pulling out some money from my wallet, handed it to her, and took the cigarettes from her hands before turning to leave.
At the street corner, I was smoking and waiting for a taxi when suddenly someone gently tugged at my clothes from behind. Surprised, I turned around and saw that it was the girl who had just sold me the cigarettes. Holding a stack of change, she was making hand gestures at me.
Only then did I realize she couldn’t speak. I couldn’t quite understand her gestures, but I roughly figured out that I had probably been too distracted earlier and forgot to ask for my change.
Knowing how difficult it was for people with disabilities to run small businesses, I waved my hand, indicating she didn’t need to give me the change. But she insisted on returning it. However, my pockets were tight, and she failed several times trying to stuff the money into them.
Finally, she took out her phone and typed a message for me to see: “Thank you for your kindness, but I don’t need your pity. Earning what I deserve is enough!” After the text was a smiling emoji.
This was a very independent girl. My well-intentioned gesture might have unintentionally hurt her pride, so I apologized and said, “Sorry, I was too presumptuous. I’ll take the change back.” I took the stack of coins from her hand.
She typed a smiling emoji on her phone. As I waited in vain for a taxi, I began to feel hungry and asked her, who was preparing to leave, “Miss, is there anywhere nearby to grab a bite? I’d like to get some late-night snacks.”
She made several gestures, but I couldn’t understand where she was pointing. She quickly typed something on her phone and showed it to me: “If you’re not in a hurry, I can take you to a place after I close the shop.”
“What kind of food is there in the shop?”
“Steamed buns and rice porridge. Do you like them?”
I nodded. She put her phone back into her pocket, gestured for me to wait, and then turned and walked toward the alley behind her. Having already gotten my cigarettes, I took another one from the pack, smoked it, and waited.
…
While waiting, my phone rang again—it was Tongzi calling. Ever since he went abroad, he always liked to call me when he got up, boasting about what he had seen and heard overseas. Sometimes, when he had nothing to share, he would talk to me about the dreams he had the night before. Anyway, even though he had left, he had kept appearing in my life through daily phone calls, making me feel that he must be quite lonely overseas.
My mood was low, and I didn’t answer the call until a while later. He asked me, “Brother Yang, guess what dream I had last night?”
“I’m more concerned about what you learned at school yesterday.”
“Hehe… What I learned about game programming, you wouldn’t understand anyway!”
“Then don’t talk to me about some unreliable dreams!”
“Okay then… Let’s talk about you. Have you been with Leyao recently?”
My heart tightened instantly, recalling the scene with Leyao on the rooftop just moments ago. I was silent for a long time. At that moment, any mention of Leyao was a form of torment for me.
Tongzi didn’t notice my reaction and continued, “Brother Yang, can’t you tell me anything about Leyao? Our fan club has been waiting for news of her comeback!”
I took a deep drag of my cigarette before finally replying, “She won’t be coming back… because she’s getting married!”
“What!! Who is she marrying, you?”
“Me? Do you think that’s possible?”
“Why not? She’s always loved you so much… I remember once she told me in a chat that she would marry no one but you!… But you’ve already gotten back together with Mi Cai, right? Could it be that something earth-shattering happened while I was away, and Leyao successfully turned the tables on you!… Haha, that must be it. Life is like a drama, and drama is like life!”
I remained silent for a long time before replying, “Just study hard over there. Don’t fantasize… The man she’s marrying isn’t me, and the woman I’m going to marry isn’t her.”
Tongzi exclaimed, “Oh my God… What a cruel joke!”
I just took another drag of my cigarette, preparing to end this meaningless conversation. Tongzi, full of pain and regret, asked me, “Then who is she marrying? Is it that coal二代 guy?”
“No, not him. I’m not sure who it is… I’m about to go eat. Let’s talk later. I’ll call you when I have time.”
“Wait, wait… How could it end up like this? Leyao ends up marrying someone who isn’t you. How painful and desperate must she feel? I still remember her telling me once that her greatest wish in life was to be able to smile genuinely on her wedding day… Now, how can she ever smile again!!”
All of Tongzi’s memories were like knives piercing my heart. In an extremely suppressed mood, I hung up the call… Amid the uneven breathing, I looked back at the dilapidated old town behind me… Yet the night transformed this decay into a stream of nostalgic sorrow from the past.
Dazed, the girl from the flower shop had already arrived beside me, pushing her pink electric scooter. Side by side, we walked toward an unknown snack shop in some corner. The night finally became gentle in a silence that could not produce sound…
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