Our conversation continued between Jane Wei and me, but we had deliberately skipped any topics related to Leyao. In fact, aside from the micro-film shooting, there was no need for us to delve into her personal life. Looking into the foreseeable future, Leyao and I would have fewer and fewer interactions. Nobody believed she would remain in Suzhou, a city she considered her second hometown, after marriage. It was presumed that she and Cao Jingfei would settle down in Beijing.
I discussed work with Jane for about half an hour, and she seemed somewhat tired, while I was even more exhausted. I didn’t know exactly when I had dozed off on the edge of her hospital bed.
When I woke up, sunlight had evenly poured into the ward, and Leyao’s white down jacket was draped over me. I patted my forehead, instantly waking up, and noticed Jane looking at me with a very complicated expression.
Instinctively, I glanced at myself but couldn’t figure out why she was staring. I asked, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Jane told me to check the bedsheet myself, and that was when I discovered a saliva stain on it. I touched my mouth and indeed found some residue, which immediately made me feel utterly embarrassed. I stretched my face and said, “What are you staring at? If you slept like this, you would drool too!”
Jane gave me a look of disgust.
I wiped my mouth with my hand and whistled toward the window, trying to hide my embarrassment, but Jane suddenly burst into laughter. I turned my head and glared at her, ready to tease her back, when I suddenly remembered that all those embarrassing incidents from her past happened several years ago. If I brought them up, it would inevitably lead to recalling a piece of our shared history. So I swallowed all those words back.
If her “mockery” of me was a self-defense battle, then I would never win this battle. I fell silent.
Jane chose to stop at the right moment and joined me in silence. After a while, she said, “Zhaoyang, I need to go to the bathroom. Could you please help me find a nurse?”
I finally felt a bit relaxed, nodded, and immediately walked out of the ward, only to be told that the nurse had temporarily gone out. I immediately returned to the ward to inform her of the situation, asking her to hold on a little longer.
Jane responded with a nod, but her expression grew increasingly grim. The nurse showed no sign of returning, and I knew she might feel too embarrassed to tell me directly. I asked, “Is it really hard for you to hold it in? Are you about to lose control?”
“Haven’t you ever had an IV?”
“I have. It feels like your bladder is about to burst… but usually, I just carry the IV bottle myself and take care of it. After all, being a guy makes things more convenient… it’s just more difficult for women!” I whistled again, but Jane’s expression turned even darker.
“Help me take down the IV bottle. Maybe there’s a hook in the bathroom!”
“Alright, let’s go check. After all, this might be your last hope.” I said, helping her with the IV bottle and supporting her as we walked toward the bathroom, while I continued to ramble, “You see, people just shouldn’t be too smug. You made me feel embarrassed just now, and within a quarter of an hour, the retribution has already arrived… The nurse isn’t here! She really isn’t, ha ha… As for whether there are hooks in the bathroom, who knows!”
Contrary to my expectation, Jane didn’t seem angry. She simply said, “So much time has passed, yet you haven’t matured at all…”
I didn’t respond because whether or not I was mature didn’t seem the most important thing to me. Often, I just lived according to my emotions—being cheerful made me smug, and when I was unhappy, I drank and smoked. In my opinion, the most painful thing in the world is to live with a mask on, pretending. Because I’ve done it, I understand the bitterness, helplessness, and the unbearable pain mixed in.
When we arrived at the bathroom, Jane immediately opened the door, only to be disappointed to find no hooks as she had imagined. She looked at me anxiously. I replied, “I can’t really accompany you into the bathroom… honestly, I wouldn’t even flinch if you asked me to take a bullet for you, but this situation really leaves me helpless! Maybe we should go back and wait a bit longer. Perhaps the nurse will come back soon.”
“I can’t wait anymore!!…”
Seeing Jane’s expression of unbearable discomfort, I finally stopped joking and told her, “You go in and do your thing. I’ll hold the IV outside. Just leave the door slightly ajar.”
At this point, there was no better solution. Jane turned and entered the bathroom. However, the IV tube wasn’t long enough, so I had to lean against the door, making sure not to let the door press on the IV tube. I supported myself with one hand against the wall and placed one foot between the door and the door frame to prevent it from closing.
As I listened to the sound of Jane urinating, I couldn’t help but wonder: if we hadn’t been so familiar with each other’s bodies in the past few years—if we were just two relatively unfamiliar opposite-sex friends—would this scene still be happening now? She would probably feel embarrassed! And I would feel awkward too… But didn’t this also suggest that it was truly impossible for us to completely erase the imprint of our past from our lives? Was there really no such thing as a clean break in this world?
I stopped myself from thinking further and, with my arms stiff and sore, urged Jane to hurry up… again and again…
…
After leaving the clinic, I sent Jane back to her place, reminded her to rest well for the day, and then drove back to my company. Our lives instantly lost any intersection again. This abrupt disconnection had become our usual way of interacting. Now, aside from work, we never mentioned the past anymore.
I spent another busy day at work. Near the end of the day, the director of the company’s marketing department came to see me. With a worried expression, she asked, “Director Zhao, did you see today’s top entertainment news?”
I usually didn’t like to pay attention to such things, so I shook my head.
She continued, “Several media outlets reported today that Leyao is about to marry Cao Jingfei…”
“So you came to confirm this with me?”
“Yes. I know Leyao is your friend, so I wanted to verify this with you.”
I lit a cigarette and replied, “That’s absolutely true… You’re worried that Leyao’s image after marriage might not align with the free-spirited ethos our artistic endeavors project, right?”
The marketing director nodded, “Yes, that’s exactly my concern. What are your thoughts on this?”
Her professional sensitivity impressed me. After all, even during my conversation with Jane earlier today, I hadn’t thought of this detail. After considering it for a moment, I told her, “Let’s discuss this in a meeting. If it really isn’t appropriate, we can find someone else… We can’t possibly ask her not to get married just to film our micro-film for us!”
She nodded in understanding, asked for the specific meeting time, and then left my office. I hadn’t even finished my cigarette yet, but I had already gained a new insight into life… It seemed that people are indeed products of their environment, and when the environment changes, many of their original traits fade away.
This seemed to contradict the insight I had gained from Jane, because even after experiencing changes in our environment, many of our original characteristics still remained.
I stubbed out my cigarette, but I could no longer think clearly about life, because many things happened deep within the soul. I had no ability to understand exactly what changes had occurred in my own soul in private. Therefore, I stopped all thinking and daydreaming, and simply grabbed my briefcase and walked out of the office.
That evening, I wanted to go to the mall to buy some gifts for Fang Yuan and Yan Yan’s unborn baby. I truly felt excited and affectionate toward this child. If Fang Yuan and Yan Yan were willing, I would be happy to be the child’s godfather.
Moreover, I really wanted to get together with the Fangs. In my memory, I hadn’t formally visited Yan Yan’s home since she became pregnant.
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