In the room, Jian Wei’s sobbing still tore at my nerves. Once, we had sworn eternal love to each other, and I had promised never to let her become a woman in tears. Yet today, years later, she was crying so painfully, and I could only listen helplessly. It was all because she was the one who had initiated the breakup. For us, saying “breakup” meant the end of our love contract—I was rightfully and properly released from all those vows. I shouldn’t feel any guilt toward her.
After convincing myself repeatedly, I left Jian Wei’s place, but I didn’t know what kind of emotions I carried when I returned to our old house—only that there was unease. I was afraid that Mi Cai might wake up midway and find me gone.
I carefully opened the door. It was pitch dark inside. I dared not turn on the lights. Guided only by the dim glow of my phone screen, I entered the bedroom I shared with Mi Cai. I cautiously took off my clothes and lay down beside her. Feeling her steady breathing, I confirmed she was still asleep, and the tension in my heart finally eased—only to become heavy again soon after. I didn’t know how Jian Wei was spending this lonely night all by herself.
I recalled again those days that were most deeply etched in our memories. Under the pretense of elopement, we had fled from Shanghai to Suzhou and shared many nights together. She always needed to hold my arm to fall asleep, while I could only feel at ease sensing the softness of her hair…
In the deep night, I was repeatedly cut by the sharp blade of memories. I was filled with pain, yet I dared not even light a cigarette. First love indeed leaves the deepest scars, especially since I had experienced so much with Jian Wei. Therefore, the more destitute she became, the less I dared to live a happier life than hers. I didn’t know whether this was a common mindset after finding a new love, but I really felt confused and conflicted, unable to understand my own irrational anxiety and longing.
Suddenly, the lamp beside the bed turned on. Without any interaction with me, Mi Cai turned her back to me and walked toward the bathroom. Then I heard the sound of the toilet flushing. She returned to my side, turned off the light, and continued sleeping, as if she were a machine executing pre-programmed actions. To her, I was completely non-existent.
My heart began to panic. Perhaps Mi Cai had already discovered my absence. But she wasn’t someone who liked arguments. And today, for her, was actually a good day, so she chose to let it be. Or perhaps, she was silently protesting my leaving.
Unable to contain myself, I gently nudged her shoulder and asked, “You’re awake, right?”
“Of course I’m awake…”
“Uh… I just went to the company to handle something urgent.”
“Is that so? How urgent could it be?”
“…There’s an event scheduled in Nanjing tomorrow, but due to weather conditions, it was changed last minute, and I needed to confirm the details.”
“It snowed so heavily tonight. Tomorrow really isn’t suitable for an event!”
I didn’t catch the implication in Mi Cai’s words and instinctively replied, “Yeah.”
“What about the scar on your face?… I haven’t asked until now, but I do want to know the truth. Don’t make things up—just tell me honestly!”
I couldn’t answer and remained silent… My heart grew increasingly uneasy and fearful, as if I were already preparing for the worst.
Suddenly, Mi Cai tightly embraced me from behind, sobbing, “Zhaoyang, I’d rather be an ostrich, unwilling to explore what you’ve done or what you’ve been thinking. Because I can’t bear it… I can’t bear the sense of loss when you’re not around… When I woke up just now, I instinctively looked for you, but the whole room was empty. I started imagining all sorts of things, fearing you might never come back…”
Filled with guilt, I turned around and hugged her back, softly whispering in her ear, “I won’t leave…”
“Give me a more real promise, okay?”
“In the future, I will not only be your husband but also your family. I will definitely be the man who walks with you to the end of life. Unless you leave me, this promise will never change. I’m willing to swear it with my soul!”
“…And your body mustn’t betray either.”
“My body and soul will both remain loyal to our love…”
Mi Cai hugged me even tighter, using body language to tell me that she had forgiven my absence, forgiven the lie that she hadn’t exposed. Feeling her tenderness, my heart shifted again. I didn’t want any more complications or dreams; I wanted to completely intertwine our lives. So, I brought up an old topic in her ear: “Let’s have a child… Be ready to get married anytime.”
My fingers wandered across her body. She breathed heavily but pulled open the drawer beside the bed and took out contraceptive devices… She still didn’t want a child!
…
The next morning, Mi Cai got up before me. As for breakfast, she only cooked porridge and bought dim sum from a shop downstairs. Still, I was satisfied, because together we were gradually creating the atmosphere of a real life. It felt as if she was no longer the chairman of Zhuo Mei, and I was no longer the general manager of Lu Ku. We were like two college graduates who had just entered society, trying to live a simple and ordinary life as a couple, running our own small family… But there was still regret. She seemed unprepared for having a child. I knew the root cause was Zhuo Mei. At this critical moment when Zhuo Mei’s survival was at stake, she couldn’t afford a long maternity leave. Yet this became my emotional burden… Actually, I feared the future’s uncertainties more than she did. Only having a child could keep her firmly by my side… It seemed that in front of her, I always lacked confidence, as if haunted by a disease that kept troubling me, making it impossible for me to find absolute security in her.
That day, after saying goodbye to Mi Cai, we each went our separate ways to work. It wasn’t until evening when we got off work that we made our first phone call of the day. Unfortunately, both of us had extra overtime. We finally agreed to call each other again at nine o’clock to confirm whether the other had finished work for the day.
Time flew quickly, and soon it was nine o’clock at night. Just as I was preparing to call Mi Cai according to our agreement, an unfamiliar number called me first. I answered in confusion, and the caller asked, “Are you Mr. Zhaoyang?”
“Yes, I am. Who is this?”
“I’m from the City People’s Hospital… We just want to confirm: Do you have a friend named Luo Ben?”
His introduction immediately filled me with a strong sense of unease. I asked, trembling, “What happened to him?”
“He was in a car accident and is currently in a coma… Please come quickly.”
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