The next morning, when I woke up, Luo Ben was already gone from the hospital room. I knew he had probably gone to the rooftop of the hospital to finish what he had failed to do the previous night. Without waiting for myself to fully wake up, I put on my coat and ran towards the rooftop.
Standing on the rooftop, I looked around and saw Luo Ben lighting a cigarette near the railing. He appeared thoughtful but calm, which relieved me a bit. I walked a few steps closer to him and noticed he had chosen the best spot on the rooftop for himself. The view was wide open, and the long-missed sunlight was falling perfectly on him and the snow-covered ground beside him.
There were some dry leaves blown by the wind on the railing, making the sunlit world seem somewhat dim and dull, evoking a longing for the arrival of spring and the end of this lifeless winter filled with farewells.
Luo Ben exhaled a long puff of smoke and said, “After living in Suzhou for so many years, this is the first time I feel it has its own flavor.”
“The flavor of saying goodbye?”
Luo Ben shook his head. “The flavor of human warmth and coldness. I think I will remember everything that has happened in this city for the rest of my life. It’s not my destination, nor is it the end of my journey.”
“Except for death, there is no second end to a person’s life.”
Luo Ben smiled. “Even the end of life isn’t necessarily the end. Just like flowers that wither and bloom again, the cycle of the four seasons, the rise and fall of tides, and the rising and setting of the sun all tell us that this world must have reincarnation. Life, too, has reincarnation.”
I patted his shoulder and smiled too. “I’m relieved to hear you talk about reincarnation. In fact, once you see through the essence of life, it’s nothing more than separations and reunions, comings and goings. People create happiness for others, but also pain.”
“Hehe… Zhaoyang, if your remaining time in life goes smoothly, then great. If not, remember the words you’ve advised me with and use them to encourage yourself.”
“You mean the words: once you see through the essence of life, it’s nothing more than separations and reunions, comings and goings. People create happiness for others, but also pain?”
“Besides that, you can’t say anything more meaningful!”
Luo Ben’s teasing made me smile. I held his shoulder and looked with him toward the end of this city, though we didn’t know where that end was. But we truly existed, sometimes angry, sometimes crazy, sometimes unable to feel growth.
…
The morning sunlight became better and better. A breeze blew past, bringing a dizzying fragrance. Turning around, Leyao was already standing behind us. It turned out the fragrance had come from her, which was why it felt so familiar.
“The nurse told me she saw you two standing on the rooftop, so I came up… Even on such a cold day, it can’t stop you two angry youths from contemplating life!”
I replied, “There’s nothing strange about it. Just like we don’t understand why women would rather set aside food and drink, the very things that sustain life, just to dress up prettily.”
Leyao tucked her hair behind her ears to keep it from being blown by the wind before saying, “So, we’re all just living for our own positions… Actually, where is the pain? Living is nothing more than the extension of desires!”
Luo Ben and I exchanged glances, understanding in our hearts that she was a woman who could live prettily, but also deeply. It’s just that most of the time, we overlooked her charm because of our own pursuits and desires.
The three of us stood shoulder to shoulder as the damp, cold wind blew past, making the entire city seem to lie beneath our feet, telling the sorrow of winter. So we remained silent for a long time.
Finally, I said to Leyao, “Luo Ben is leaving, going to America. He says he wants to study there for a few years to improve his musical cultivation.”
Leyao looked at Luo Ben and asked, “Are you really leaving?”
“Mm.”
“Have you decided how many years you’ll be gone?”
“I haven’t had time to think about it yet… Leyao, we’ve been buddies for so many years. After I leave, would you do me two favors, please?”
“Go ahead.”
“The first one is to help settle my band. Help these guys find a reliable artist or performance company. Their professionalism is top-notch in the industry; they’ve just lacked opportunities all along.”
“No problem, that’s a small matter. What’s the second one?”
“Don’t send Xiaoya back to that small village. She doesn’t want to go back. Keep her with you or find a better family for her. I can only take care of her this far.”
Speaking of Xiaoya, Leyao’s expression was full of guilt and self-reproach as she softly replied, “That was my responsibility all along. You don’t need to ask me for help!”
It seemed like Luo Ben had finally relieved a burden. He raised his head, smiled into the scattered sunlight, and then tightly embraced Leyao: “I’ve already taken care of my visa to America, so I won’t be staying in China for long. I’m leaving the day after tomorrow. Take care, and remember to take care of yourself.”
When the farewell was right in front of us, Leyao finally shrank into Luo Ben’s arms, pounding his chest and crying uncontrollably: “So you’re just going to leave… In the future, when I’m wronged, no one will stand up for me, not even someone to talk to… How can you bear to leave? You selfish bastards, only thinking about ending your own pain and running away, without thinking about how much pain your friends feel when you just leave!”
Luo Ben felt guilty, so guilty that he could only hold Leyao tighter, not knowing what else to say… And this heart-wrenching farewell made me think again of the day CC left.
Leyao and I were two people who had suffered great emotional losses, so we needed Luo Ben and CC so much to comfort us. But when they really wanted to leave, we were just as powerless, unable to stop them. We could only say “Take care and goodbye” amidst the heart-wrenching pain… But we didn’t know how long it would be before we could meet again. All we felt was the endlessness of this separation!
…
At noon, Leyao and I waited at Xiaoya’s school for her to be dismissed. Leyao’s expression was very melancholy. Although she kept saying it was her responsibility to take care of Xiaoya, so far, she hadn’t proposed a practical solution. I knew that at least for now, it would be very difficult for her to take Xiaoya back to Beijing.
After waiting a little while, Mi Cai also arrived at the school, which surprised me a bit. After she parked her car and came to my side, I asked her, “Why did you come too?”
“I promised Xiaoya I would pick her up at noon.”
I nodded. Although her work was very busy, she still took matters concerning Xiaoya very seriously. So the three of us waited together. During the wait, Mi Cai asked Leyao, “Have you decided how to settle Xiaoya?”
Mi Cai’s proactive communication surprised Leyao a bit. She hesitated slightly before replying, “Not yet.”
“This matter is causing her a lot of psychological pressure. You need to resolve it soon.”
Mi Cai’s well-meaning reminder made Leyao look worried, and she fell into silence. Leyao and I exchanged a glance and also fell into helpless silence, lamenting how fate played tricks on people. Otherwise, letting Xiaoya stay with Luo Ben and Wei Manwen would have been such a great arrangement!
Finally, Leyao said to me, “Zhaoyang, can you help find a good family to temporarily take care of Xiaoya? I’ll cover all the expenses. For now… taking her to Beijing is a bit difficult for me!”
Before I could answer, Mi Cai frowned and took over the conversation from Leyao, saying, “I really can’t agree with that. Wherever she goes, it must be based on a sense of belonging. The families we help find for her, can they really give Xiaoya a sense of belonging? No one can guarantee that. If we send her to the wrong family, that would be a mistake made by both you and me… Also, I’d like to ask, which family would be willing to develop an emotional bond with Xiaoya, only for you to take her away when it’s convenient for you? This matter involves emotions, and money can hardly resolve the fundamental contradictions. Do you understand?”
Leyao’s expression turned a bit sour as she replied, “I’m just an actress in the entertainment industry. Of course, I can’t be as thorough in my thinking as you.”
Mi Cai seemed to be at a loss for words for a moment, remaining silent but still maintaining her stance. She could not agree with the solution Leyao had proposed. Xiaoya was not someone who could just be placed with any random family.
After a period of silence, I finally said to the two of them, “How about we temporarily place Xiaoya at Wei Xiao’s home? Both of these children come from broken families, so they’re sure to have common ground. Emotionally, they’ll be able to identify with each other more easily. Plus, since they go to the same school, they can look out for each other… Can you both accept this proposal?”
Leyao naturally had no problem with it. She looked at Mi Cai, waiting for her to respond. Perhaps in her mind, she already thought I always followed Mi Cai’s lead, and this matter could be settled as long as Mi Cai agreed.
Mi Cai wasn’t an unreasonable woman. After a brief consideration, she said, “Then let’s first seek Wei Xiao and his grandfather’s opinions. If they’re willing to temporarily take in Xiaoya, it would still be a pretty good arrangement.”
I nodded, then said to Leyao, “You don’t need to worry about the living expenses for Xiaoya. The 600,000 yuan deposit you left for her is still in my possession. It’s enough to raise her until she’s capable of working… In fact, the most important thing about this matter is: whether Xiaoya herself can develop a sense of identification and belonging towards the family that adopts her!”
“Of course everything the CEO says is right, and everything I do is just poorly considered!”
Leyao’s response left me a bit at a loss. In fact, she had already done her best for Xiaoya. She probably did have her own difficulties, and Mi Cai and I were just criticizing her from Xiaoya’s perspective without considering her predicament.
In the cold wind, Leyao turned her back to us, no longer acknowledging me and Mi Cai. Yet, in her back view, I could see some unspoken bitterness of her own. I even felt that her days of marrying into a wealthy family didn’t seem so smooth…
I could only hope this was just my illusion!
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