Jian Wei seemed to treat this sun-drenched morning just like any other. Skillfully, she spread some jam onto a pastry and brought it to her mouth. Then she took a sip of milk. Her movements were so natural that her emotions were completely unreadable. But I knew: this was merely a display of self-strengthening in front of me, or perhaps she had already become numb from pain.
Fifteen minutes passed before she finally wiped her hands with a napkin and said to me, “I’m done eating… you can tell me what you need to say now.”
Looking at her, my mind drifted back to Xiang Chen’s words that categorized me as inferior. Over the years, he had harbored resentment toward me, which was evident in many details, but I had avoided thinking about it. My tolerance, however, did not change his inherent disdain for me. My background and upbringing could never compare to his. Under such obvious disparity, Jian Wei chose me, which he could not tolerate. Thus, he revealed a twisted humanity, doing one thing after another that I could never bring myself to do to Jian Wei, including presenting her with an exclusive custom-designed necklace at Fang Yuan and Yan Yan’s wedding, using it as a foundation to propose to her. He won Jian Wei, but also won pain.
Jian Wei was an anomaly. Her upbringing made her far less materialistic than most people. Therefore, during college, she wore the finest clothes and used the best items, yet always followed behind me, playing in a band and passionately loving the drums, even though she never played them particularly well. She also enjoyed discussing with me those non-mainstream bands and singers who screamed for freedom and light in the mundane world, and then placed her dreams into my dreams, pursuing those impractical fantasies in the secular realm…
One day, her family learned of my existence and tried to rectify the situation by telling her about the existence of social compatibility. But she was unwilling to change and defiantly followed me from Shanghai to Suzhou, repeatedly avoiding her parents. Yet, family always had a place in her heart, and she suffered because of it. She wanted me to create hope for her in the material world, but I had yet to understand the distance between idealism and social reality, indulging in my own world until she left…
Looking back on the years we spent together, I cultivated her into a proud sunflower, yet failed to provide her with nourishment and sunlight, leaving her withered like this. Still, she stretched her branches, proudly searching onward…
I thought deeply, losing myself in many delays. Jian Wei patiently waited until I finally looked up at her, giving me a glance, silently asking me to state my purpose for coming today.
My fingers trembled slightly as I lit a cigarette, feigning calmness. Finally, I said to her, “I came here today to tell you that I’m going back to Xuzhou… regarding the Lukou and the Cultural Road project, I can only do this much.”
Jian Wei lifted her head, closed her eyes, and softly asked me, “Are you giving up so completely? The Cultural Road project embodies our efforts and carries your dreams. What’s more, it’s actually profitable!! You may never have another opportunity like this in your life.”
My heart was filled with pain, but thinking about the simple life Meicai and I had decided upon, I still nodded and said, “I will give it up completely, leave here entirely. Please initiate my resignation procedures. I will hand over my shares to you for disposal. Since the project is still profitable, there are many possible ways to handle it without putting you in a difficult position.”
“It seems that Meicai has already given up on Zhuo Mei. You have chosen another lifestyle, one you once mentioned to me. I couldn’t give it to you, so I went to America…”
Her words reminded me of a detail. On the eve of her decision to go to America, I had told her that eloping to the most remote town was just a wish expressed in lyrics. I wanted her to return to Xuzhou with me. I planned to open a small bar and ask my father to arrange a job for Jian Wei in his state-owned enterprise, which would be a secure position. She hesitated for a long time but eventually agreed. However, not long after, her parents came to Suzhou, making her ultimately abandon the idea of returning to Xuzhou with me.
To this day, I still believe she never truly resolved to come back to Xuzhou with me, or she must have sought her parents’ opinions in the process, otherwise her parents wouldn’t have found Suzhou and her, because we always lived very discreetly, and Suzhou is a big place, not that easy to locate.
Jian Wei continued, “Zhaoyang, do you still think today that my promise to return to Xuzhou with you was just lip service, with hesitation in my heart?”
I nodded, “Yes, but I can understand you… that lifestyle just wasn’t suitable for you!”
Jian Wei looked at me, laughing painfully, “You can understand me? I don’t need your understanding, because you don’t know the truth at all!”
My heart was pounding violently… waiting for her to continue.
Jian Wei lowered her head, suffering and hesitating…
“What is the truth?”
Jian Wei finally raised her head to look at me slowly and said, “Do you know why my parents found me in Suzhou back then? Haha, go ask your good friends Fang Yuan and Xiang Chen!”
“Them?!”
“Yes, them. It was Xiang Chen who approached Fang Yuan, and Fang Yuan told him our address. Even our plan to go to Xuzhou was revealed to him… Then he told all of this to my parents, so on the afternoon of December 11th four years ago, they found me!”
My heart pounded even harder, as if it would burst out of my chest… After a long while, I said, “You ultimately wavered, otherwise why would you go to America?”
“Zhaoyang, did I have any way not to waver?… If I had gone to Xuzhou with you, not only would you and I be affected, but even your father couldn’t keep that so-called secure job in the state-owned enterprise. We wouldn’t even be able to get our marriage certificate. These were all things my parents could easily do. In the face of their will, could my love for you really resist anything?”
I felt suffocated, as if deprived of oxygen… I could already guess what came next. Jian Wei must have resisted fiercely, so her parents had no choice but to use this delaying tactic, sending her to America first, trying to dismantle our love with time and distance. Jian Wei firmly believed that neither of us would waver, so to protect my family’s livelihood, she chose to go to America.
Everything started to make sense. Otherwise, why would Jian Wei rather live independently in America than accept financial support from her parents? She had resentment, but had to compromise.
“Zhaoyang, my parents once promised me that as long as they saw your progress during my three years in America, they would accept our being together when I returned. Without that promise from them, I would never have gone, not even if we had to wander across the country or around the world… But…” Jian Wei couldn’t continue anymore. She was already sobbing uncontrollably, so many things and grievances buried in her heart had become an illness!
I choked up and asked, “Why didn’t you tell me all this when you left?”
“…Your pride back then… your sense of self-respect, could you have handled hearing it?… I only dared to tell you that going to America was for a better future for us… We loved each other so much, did it really matter whether I told you or not?… At least, I never intended to betray you!”
Your pride back then?
I really recalled my sense of pride back then… I even felt uncomfortable whenever Jian Wei wore clothes from a luxury brand! I hated the obstacles caused by social incompatibility… I was really too afraid of losing Jian Wei, afraid to the point of fragility, afraid to the point of sensitivity, thus developing that despicable sense of self-respect!
I breathed heavily, my heart unable to bear the emotional fluctuations. After a long, long time, I finally gathered the strength to ask Jian Wei, “We loved each other so much… then why, why did you still dare to say goodbye to me?… Why?”
Jian Wei was even more pained, as if recalling a painful experience. She covered her face with her hands, sobbing, and finally raised her head, looking at me, and asked, “I can tell you, but after I tell you, I want you to be with me. We will get married and have children like we used to talk about… Do you still dare to hear it?… If not, if your true love is now Meicai… there’s no point in me recounting the past, it will only cause us pain, embarrassment, and make it impossible for us to recall the beauty of our past together!”
I painfully swallowed my saliva. I had wanted to know the reason for our breakup countless times, but each time I was dissuaded by Jian Wei’s pressure, because she always spoke the truth. Since I had already decided to pursue a simple and ordinary life with Meicai, why should I go against my own will and entangle the past with the future? And I really had no ability to untangle the karmic obstacles between the past and the future!
Jian Wei looked at me and smiled, as if no longer in pain. She said to me, who remained silent, “Zhaoyang, I, Jian Wei, am a person who keeps my word. I said I wouldn’t interfere with your feelings anymore, and I certainly can do that. You don’t need to keep thinking about what exactly happened in the past. From now on, you just need to lift your head and look forward… I don’t hate you, nor do I want to hate myself anymore, because I’m really tired… I’ve already accepted the fact that our fate together was insufficient. So after I went to America, we kept misunderstanding each other due to distance and time, constantly missing each other by chance… You and Meicai are different. She can also make you love her to the point of life and death. People may try to break you apart, but they can’t… So please cherish this connection… But you must remember… I will always be the woman who loves you the most in the world… It’s just that I loved you with the wrong method, at the wrong time!!… Go now! Leave cleanly. I will handle everything else.”
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