It only took me an hour to reach an agreement with Jian Wei about my departure from Luku. We decided that a week later, I would first release a personal statement announcing my withdrawal, followed by an official statement from Luku. Right now, I could begin the transition process, temporarily handing over my responsibilities to the current vice president of Luku, who would take charge of the company.
In truth, I was in pain. During that painful hour, it felt as though I was shackled with heavy chains, walking through a century of memories, struggling through a century, longing through a century.
If one day, Jian Wei collapses under the harsh reality, would I really be able to watch helplessly? Then live my small life with a blinded worldview, ignoring how the villains remain villains, and allowing kind people to live under unsolvable curses, sinking and deteriorating…
Right now, I cannot answer. Perhaps I will only make a choice when that day truly arrives, but I hope that day never comes. I don’t want to see Jian Wei, this proud sunflower, become a withered leaf, directionless and falling into the depths of the world.
Morning arrived, leading the day forward. When sunlight spilled onto the wide road, I loved driving along it—not because it led to the moat, but because I had never experienced traffic jams on this road. Here, I could freely enjoy the thrill of freedom, watching the river carry sunlight on its waves, drifting beyond the city with the wind.
Finally, I parked my car by the riverside road. I wanted to be quiet here. Since I began living, I had experienced 27 winters, but this winter was the hardest to endure. I missed the afternoons of summer when I could drink some beer with my brothers, but now, I no longer have those brothers by my side.
I also missed a late spring from some years ago, when we were young and naive, holding hands, flying a kite, and feeling as though we had broken free from gravity, flying toward a transparent city.
Yes, that late spring, the girl holding my hand was still named Jian Wei… Thinking of all the past moments, I no longer doubt that if it weren’t for Mi Cai being by my side, and if I had understood the bitterness she had endured over the years when Jian Wei said she still wanted to love again, I would have rushed to hold her hand once more.
But the script has already been rewritten… Now, I seem more reluctant to let go of Mi Cai, more longing for an ordinary life! I am tired of the thorns in life. I just want to take a fishing rod with Ban Da to go fishing in the morning, hold a guitar and sing a song for Mi Cai when she comes home from work at night, and on Sundays, help my mother carry her basket, going with her to the market to buy vegetables or meat for the coming week.
The cigarette in my hand had burned down to the butt. I flicked it into the moat, and suddenly felt empty inside. I wanted to smoke another one, but I had no more cigarettes… I looked around and saw an old man leaning against the railing, stretching his legs. A cigarette was almost falling out of his pocket!
I walked toward him, calling him twice, but he didn’t respond. I then noticed he had earphones in, listening to a radio while doing exercise… This was much more refined than my nostalgic smoking. Although we were both by the moat, he was living for life, while I was merely surviving…
This old man was generous and enthusiastic. He gave me a cigarette, and we sat together on the steps leading to the riverside, smoking and listening to his old radio. When Kunqu opera began playing, the old man stopped smoking, closed his eyes, and swayed his head, humming along, even asking me to keep the rhythm for him, saying it was interactive…
When the radio switched from Kunqu to a pop song, he asked me to sing along. He told me that singing in the morning would energize me for the whole day, which explained why he looked so energetic! Before I could even open my mouth, he had already started tapping his feet to the beat.
“Old man, you’re tapping too hard. This song is supposed to be gentle!”
The old man adjusted quickly, tapping more lightly and slowing the rhythm… But I didn’t sing. I just listened as Eason Chan sang “Waiting for Your Love,” delivering it with a tone that stirred sighs in the heart.
I thought of myself, how I had sung this song repeatedly in bars for a long time, because I had once earnestly waited for her. Even after we broke up, I fantasized that, on some unannounced night, she would call me from overseas, telling me: we still loved each other, we could still live together…
But now, the mood had changed, as if it had become Jian Wei’s confession to me…
Maybe I had misinterpreted something, or perhaps I wanted too much. Does everyone feel like me? How can one accept it to find relief?
Does every love involve suffering? I don’t agree with that. Just waiting for you has been enough for me, so only by letting go can I find happiness…
“So only by letting go can I find happiness… only by letting go can I find happiness…” I repeated this line in my heart, and the blockage in my chest gradually eased, becoming clear. After endless waiting, we had long forgotten the meaning of waiting itself. The meaning of this song had also changed. What we should pursue is happiness after letting go, because our feelings have both been mistaken before… She made a mistake in America, and I made a mistake too, holding my guitar by this moat. Only by letting go can we avoid compounding our mistakes.
It was time for me to leave…
But the old man left before me… He suddenly remembered that he hadn’t fed his bird yet. In coming and going like this, it seemed as though his only purpose for appearing was to give me a cigarette, and through his rhythm, help me understand something. Or perhaps this understanding had nothing to do with him or the song, but was merely my inner desire to understand myself—whether this realization was forced or not, I couldn’t say.
…
The sunlight shining on my face felt warm. I squinted my eyes, took out my phone from my pocket, shielding it from the glare, and sent a message to Fang Yuan: “I want to see you. Let’s meet at Huifang Restaurant at noon.”
After a night’s reflection, my mood was no longer filled with anger. Instead, I felt more curiosity and a need to inform him: a person shouldn’t live like this, nor should they be so shameless. Brotherhood should never be trampled upon… But I wouldn’t try to persuade him to change, because he had carefully planned his path to this point and would never turn back.
Shortly after, he replied: “Bro, I chose my path half a year ago already… There’s no need to meet. I’m sorry, Zhao Yang… I want too much!”
I replied firmly: “Noon, Huifang Restaurant.”
After sending this message, I left the moat. Fang Yuan was someone I must meet before leaving Suzhou. I couldn’t explain why I was so stubborn about this, but one belief supported me: I must meet him face to face, to see clearly what lay behind human nature. I must also find out whether, while betraying our brotherhood, he had also betrayed Yan Yan and his wife.
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