That night, Mi Cai and I failed to retrieve the household registration book. We drove away from there with different emotions, passing through the city that showed no sorrow. On the neon-lit streets, I saw couples smiling silently. Their smiles created an illusion that between them, no one had ever made a mistake, or perhaps no one had ever done anything right. Love repeatedly traps people in cycles of right and wrong, causing pairs of lovers to fall willingly into its snare, entangled between intoxication and numbness.
I seemed to have nothing more to say because I always understood the kind of life I wanted and how to handle my relationship with Jian Wei. Yet, I felt compelled to say something, so I finally told her, “That day, I indeed went to see Jian Wei… I comforted her, but only as a friend. With such a significant change happening in her life, I couldn’t help but feel concerned. Her personality is too competitive; such a drastic shift might push her to extremes!”
Mi Cai did not look at me. She replied emotionlessly, “I’m driving; don’t distract me. You can talk later when we get home.”
I nodded and continued looking out of the car window at the buildings flashing by. For a moment, I couldn’t tell whether it was the buildings moving or our car. Life felt so numb; I couldn’t claim peace of mind, nor could I claim complete honesty. All I could do was drift along with the tide and accept what came my way, seemingly missing nothing, yet gaining absolutely nothing!
…
A while later, we returned to the old house. We still hadn’t eaten anything. I asked her again, “Shall we prepare dinner first, or would you prefer to argue with me first?”
Mi Cai remained calm, “Let’s prepare dinner first.”
“Then I’ll go downstairs to order food; there’s nothing in the house.”
“You go ahead… I’ll tidy up the house.”
I nodded and said solemnly, “Sometimes, you bleed dry for your ideals, never getting praised for it. In the end, you’re just faking it, numbing your soul while struggling with your descent.”
Mi Cai finally looked at me…
“Actually, I’m just talking nonsense… I’ll go downstairs now.”
…
I arrived at the familiar restaurant downstairs, smelled the spicy aroma from the kitchen, lit a cigarette, and waited patiently. I thought it unnecessary to explain anything else to Mi Cai. If she was angry, she could just hit me, even beat me up until I looked like a pig’s head. As long as she eventually made up with me, our relationship couldn’t afford any turbulence or stains!
Half an hour later, I returned to the old house with the dinner I had bought. Mi Cai had only tidied up the bedroom—but it was two bedrooms. She seemed determined to separate tonight, using this action to tell me she still held resentment.
I asked deliberately, “Why did you tidy up two rooms?”
“You can also divide the dinner you bought into two portions and eat in your own room.”
“Why?”
“Because you’ve been really unreasonable!”
I fell silent because there was nothing more I could explain. I had already told her everything in the car. Saying more would only seem like an attempt to shift blame.
Mi Cai frowned at me and asked, “Am I making you speechless?”
“No, I’m just speechless because I’ve already been honest.”
“So whether or not I forgive you is entirely up to me, right?… You must feel so relieved!”
“I’m not… I’m still anxious. If you feel it’s not enough to vent your anger, you can hit me. Hit me however you want, just don’t carry this anger into the future. Because I never want to break up with you again.”
This time, it was Mi Cai who fell silent. After a long pause, she asked me, “Zhao Yang, everyone faces unexpected difficulties at different stages of life. Are you planning to always care about her for the rest of your life? Whenever she encounters a setback or falls into a slump, you must go to comfort her? Or is it that no one else can do anything for her except you?… I think, the fact that she needs your comfort only proves that she still has feelings for you… As your fiancée, do you think I can accept this? Accept that your mind might wander away from our relationship!”
“I can’t accept it… But I really can’t just watch her like this… Before doing that, I struggled painfully too.”
“But you still went.”
“I did go, but not with romantic intentions. I just gave her some care as a friend… If the same thing happened to CC, I would also go unhesitatingly to comfort her!”
“What an unhesitating act…” Mi Cai started to choke up. She was holding back her tears, trying not to let them fall.
“I didn’t do anything wrong, except that I recklessly chose to hide it from you… Actually, it wasn’t even recklessness. When I came back that day, I intended to tell you. But I could sense from your voice on the phone that you were feeling down, so I didn’t bring it up. Later, I just forgot about it because, to me, my relationship with Jian Wei was very open and honest, like old friends. At least I never thought about rekindling anything with her. Besides, we’ve already returned to Xuzhou. How could there possibly be any opportunity for anything to happen between us?… I really hope you won’t deliberately exaggerate this issue with negative emotions.”
Mi Cai finally burst into tears, “I’m not trying to exaggerate… I’m just more afraid of losing you! Zhao Yang, why can’t you give me absolute security in this matter? I feel so anxious and sad, do you know that?… Do you know that?”
I seemed to always be the kind of man who made the woman he deeply loved cry. I felt guilty but had nothing more to say, fearing that any further words might provoke her sensitive vulnerability. I reached out to hug her, wanting her to stop crying. Her tears pierced through my heart like steel needles, causing me unbearable pain!
Mi Cai struggled desperately, looking at me through her tears with anger in her eyes. Her hands tightly gripped my arms… But knowing her as I did, I didn’t feel this was punishment. On the contrary, it was another act of forgiveness. If she had truly given up on me, she would have done and said nothing. She wouldn’t even have defended me in front of people like Mi Zhongde. However, this reluctant forgiveness filled with anger would eventually tire her out… Once, twice, three times, gradually approaching her breaking point, after which she would never be willing to forgive again!
I clearly recognized this. Finally, I tightly embraced her and promised, “Mi Cai, I promise there really won’t be a next time. The one I love now is you. All I hope for is to spend my life with you. Please believe me…”
Mi Cai finally stopped struggling but continued crying as she said, “I’ve already believed you so many times… But I have a premonition that your personality will ultimately ruin us…”
“No, it won’t, definitely not. From now on, I will only quietly stay with you in Xuzhou, get married, and have children. I will never do anything to hurt you again. Just believe me one last time. If I do make the same mistake again, then all the consequences will be entirely my own fault!”
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