I had always stood on the upper floors of the hotel, watching the brand new Vansen Group being born in the hands of schemers like Fangyuan and Mi Zhongde. When the cannons roared in celebration at the Vansen Group’s plaza, it seemed like a brazen outcry from an interest group. I absolutely refused to believe that this renamed group would now enjoy peace; it would still split into several factions as it had before, continuing to fight for their own interests. As long as such conflicts continued, I would always have infinite opportunities to infiltrate.
After the media press conference ended, I plunged into non-stop busyness. During this time, I seemed to have transformed into a machine created solely for work. I ignored human emotions, making the most precise calculations while approving one document after another. Time slipped away like sand, passing me by unnoticed. I spent over a month like this, all alone, until people on the streets began wearing short sleeves, and only then did I realize that spring was nearly over.
In this month and a half, I had traveled to Shanghai five times. Yet, Jian Wei still showed no sign of waking up. She had been in a coma for nearly two months. I was filled with anxiety. Even doctors from the Mayo Clinic in America had judged her condition as poor. During this period, two doctors had already returned to the United States, leaving only the chief physician, Dr. Carter, and Mo Zishi still persisting. We had several communications with them, and both doctors urged us to prepare for the worst. They said medical intervention was no longer meaningful; our only hope was that Jian Wei might suddenly wake up one day… But when hope is reduced to mere wishful thinking, it becomes a polite expression of despair. I was therefore overwhelmed with pain, once again consumed by the fear of losing her.
I began to throw myself desperately into managing the Literary Path project, continuously traveling to various cities to give speeches, hoping people would embrace this path. If there was indeed such a thing as consciousness in this world, I wished that Jian Wei’s missing consciousness could sense the continuous growth of the Literary Path. This path was not solely my own endeavor; without her, this path would never have existed.
Yes, I knew very well that my actions would lead to no result, yet I still worked hard, hoping to gain a little psychological comfort from it.
One evening, I walked along the familiar moat, step by step heading to the same section of the river. I had a few cans of beer along the way—not intending to get drunk, but just wanting to drift along in a light buzz for a while. The pressure I carried was simply too great, and I could only relieve it this way.
Sitting on the guardrail by the riverbank, I threw away the empty beer can and gazed blankly at the sunset reflected on the water, as if it were dancing in the breeze. The city across the river remained unchanged, as if it had shrunk into this world, becoming a frail line extending outward in all directions…
After a while, the wind that had blown all day seemed to tire, and the world suddenly became as still as glass, yet it tore at people’s emotions. I wanted to smoke a cigarette, but I had gradually quit the habit and rarely carried cigarettes with me anymore. I felt somewhat disheartened and uneasy.
Before nightfall, I received a call from Leyao. After more than a month, her film had finally completed its shooting in South Korea, and she had arrived in Suzhou, saying she wanted to meet me… I told her I was by the moat, and she immediately hung up the phone, as if she knew exactly which section of the river I would be at. After all, this moat stretched for dozens of kilometers.
Even Leyao knew which section of the river I liked to be in. Sure enough, she arrived by my side twenty minutes later. She took a guitar off her back and handed it to me, saying, “This guitar is for you!”
I smiled and said, “What would I do with so many guitars? You could give me something else, like a South Korean specialty!”
“This is a guitar I bought at a charity auction in South Korea. Originally, I was going to give it to Roben, but considering his bad habit of smashing guitars when he’s bored, I decided against it. Charitable items shouldn’t be wasted, so I’m giving it to you instead… It’s a good guitar… Hmm, I can’t really explain how it’s good, but you can try it out first!”
Finally, I took the guitar engraved with a wolf totem from Leyao’s hands. The moment I held it, I could immediately sense that it was indeed a very valuable guitar. It bore no brand, likely crafted by some master guitar maker. No wonder Leyao didn’t want Roben to ruin it.
Leyao then said to me, “Zhaoyang, sing a song that you want to sing right now.”
I nodded. After adjusting the guitar, I recalled the scenes that had once unfolded between Jian Wei and me on the riverbank. I was filled with sadness, and even before I opened my mouth, I felt my nose begin to sting. If Jian Wei never woke up, this moat would become a heavy chapter of history…
I strummed a heavy melody on the guitar and sang: “On an evening with snowfall, we traveled from one southern city to another. The streets of the city could not see the sleeping moon, and the river protecting the city flowed lonely at its edge. You cried and asked me, after losing love, what remained for us? I said, this makes the heart panic, this makes the heart panic, this makes the heart panic… On a rainy morning, we walked from one end of the city to the other. The city lights flickered with leaping desires, and umbrellas shielding our bodies floated on the damp road. You cried and asked me, after parting, what would remain in your life? I said, this makes the heart panic, this makes the heart panic, this makes the heart panic… Finally, your lipstick wrote out the wish to wait, and my wine glass poured out the sorrow of loneliness. When can we see sunlight again… see sunlight… see sunlight… Nothing has ever been able to free us, so what is the point of this kind of life… this makes the heart panic, this makes the heart panic, this makes the heart panic!”
I sang that song from a few years ago. But honestly, I really didn’t want to sing this painfully emotional song again. Still, I did it!
My relationship with Jian Wei had come to this point precisely because of the endless panic deep within us. Perhaps talking about these things now was meaningless, but those memories of laughter and tears repeatedly drove my life into a corner with nowhere to go. How could I ever forget those moments of extreme despair? Therefore, my only hope now was for her to wake up soon, to live a happier life than any of us ever had. Only then would my heart no longer panic…
No one understood the pain I had endured over these years more than Leyao. She took back the sad guitar I had just played and softly said, “Zhaoyang, be strong… Even if you remember many things from the past, it won’t help now…”
I closed my eyes, wiping away the tears welling up in my eyes, and said in a low voice, “It’s already been almost two months, and she still hasn’t shown any sign of waking up. Do you know that even the doctors say we can only wait for a miracle now… Why hasn’t she woken up yet? Is she afraid of something in this world?…”
Leyao was silent for a long time before replying, “She is afraid of you… afraid of seeing how deeply you love another woman named Mi Cai, while she can only live in painful memories. Perhaps, when she finds the best solution, she will wake up!”
“Nonsense… This is just baseless nonsense!” I snapped at her fiercely.
“I don’t know, maybe it is like that?”
“Don’t you tell me ‘maybe’!”
Leyao spoke softly, “Actually, as long as she wakes up, even if it really is like that, what does it matter?”
I lowered my head and remained silent… Yes! As long as she wakes up, what does it matter about all those emotional ups and downs? At this moment, I actually wished that what Leyao said was true!… And that Jian Wei was simply searching for a way to resolve our past together.
Leyao then pulled me down from the guardrail and said, “Zhaoyang, be a little happier. Don’t always think about what you have lost and what you are about to lose. You should look at what you have now! In just these few months, you have revived the Literary Path project. I really see a lot of changes in you. You have become a man with a sense of mission, so you keep traveling across the country, giving speeches about the Literary Path project. These are things you would never have done before… Now, many people have come to identify with your ideas, and they take what you are tirelessly doing now as their spiritual support. Therefore, no matter what happens, you must never go back to being the negative person you once were!”
“I know, neither I nor anyone around me can ever go back to how we were before.”
Leyao finally smiled and said, “Hmm… Zhaoyang, do you still remember what I am best at?”
I looked at her somewhat confused…
She laughed out loud, “You fool, what I am best at… what I am best at is helping you waste time!”
Thinking about it carefully, it was indeed true. I had lost count of how many times we had wasted each other’s time in bars. We would just sit there, not smiling, not speaking, unaware of the passage of time, yet time had indeed flown by. If she wanted to put it that way, then my specialty was also wasting her time. Finally, I said, “While you wasted my time, I also wasted yours…”
“That’s different. I have never felt that being with you was a waste of time.”
“Is that so?”
Leyao didn’t respond to my doubt but instead said, “Now I am already a well-known celebrity, and you have become a top speaker and the CEO of several companies. The time we can waste together is getting fewer and fewer… I wonder if, on such an evening as this, you still have the mood to let me waste your time once again?”
“What do you want to do?”
“You fool, since it’s about helping you waste time, of course we do nothing. We just walk around by this moat and watch how the night slowly descends upon this city…!”
Looking at her, I didn’t know what belief supported her fragile body to keep standing by my side, unwavering and never leaving. Not only that, she always seemed to magnify my achievements. I had only given speeches in a few cities, but she proudly called me a top speaker. It was as if even if I became a pitiful dog in this world, she would forget her celebrity status and worship me like an innocent little fan, regardless of everything…
I thought again about the anonymous donation of 15 million to Sima Advertising. Could that person be her? Had I mistakenly thought it was Mi Cai?
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