This was the last afternoon before I left Suzhou. As if the sun itself wanted to bid me farewell, it shone so gently on this city in the dead of winter when it should have been bitterly cold. After packing my belongings, I took my beloved guitar and headed to the cemetery where Fangyuan’s ashes were laid to rest.
My mood wasn’t particularly heavy; I just wanted to visit him before leaving. Perhaps he was still somewhat lonely in this unfamiliar new world and hadn’t adjusted yet…
I gently placed the bouquet I carried in front of his gravestone and leaned against it as I sat down. I had chosen a great spot—if I turned my head slightly, I could see his confident and intelligent smile on the photo. It felt just like old times, as if we were sitting together again, ready to talk about the ups and downs of this world.
I opened the convenient bag I had brought and took out a pack of cigarettes and a can of beer. Instinctively, I smiled at the blue sky and white clouds above and said, “The cigarettes are Hongmei brand, costing four yuan and fifty cents per pack. The beer didn’t cost me anything—it was a few cans of nearly expired beer that the owner of a street food stall gave me a few days ago. Although they aren’t anything special, we always liked them, didn’t we? So today, my friend, we’re going to drink our hearts out…”
As I spoke, I opened two cans of beer, poured one onto the grass in front of the gravestone, and held the other in my hand.
I drank one can in one go, wiped the remaining beer from the corner of my mouth, and remained silent for a long time before speaking again: “Lately, I don’t know why, but I always go back to those places we used to hang out at university, like that pool hall where the tables were so old they were almost unusable. Haha, the owner is still such an asshole—charging an hour’s fee for just one extra minute. With such inconsiderate management, I hope his place goes bankrupt sooner rather than later… Then there’s the owner of that street food stall. He actually remembered us. When I went there the other day, he even asked about you. I told him you had left Suzhou after graduation… I didn’t really want to lie, but recently I keep thinking: if you had never come to Suzhou, would you be living a much happier life now?”
“The owner of the street food stall is much more honest than the pool hall owner. He still likes giving us nearly expired beer, just like before…” I said with a smile, but as I continued speaking, I started crying…
I wiped away my tears. My body felt empty, but my mind was filled with scenes from our youthful days—the reckless and wild moments we shared. I remember every night after drinking at the street food stall, I would walk arm-in-arm with Fangyuan and we’d urinate toward the school across the street. The only thing shielding us was a plane tree that would become bare in winter… Because of this, Jianwei and Yanyan felt deeply embarrassed. Many times, they pretended not to know us, running past us like a breeze. But we never learned our lesson because these were the vulgar sentiments that were indispensable to our youth, weren’t they?
I closed my eyes, exhaled heavily, and tilted my head back to finish another can of beer. Then I lit a cigarette and placed it in front of Fangyuan’s gravestone before lighting another for myself.
As the familiar taste of Hongmei cigarettes stimulated my senses, I began to ramble again: “Fangyuan, do you think life really is such a damn thing? Maybe it’s just a mountain we desperately try to climb to see what’s on the other side. But when we finally reach the summit after great effort, we find that beyond this mountain is just another mountain! So you’ll realize: some things you’ve worked so hard to pursue turn out to be nothing special once you’ve obtained them… Haha, life, right? Life!”
I shook my head, finally putting down the beer can, picked up the guitar, gently strummed a chord, looked at Fangyuan’s photo, and whispered, “Now I’ll keep my promise and sing you that song you loved the most—’Seasons in the Sun’… After this song, I don’t want to touch the guitar again for the rest of my life… I don’t know why exactly, but lately, seeing this instrument always makes me feel a bit tired… Well, I won’t bother you with these troubles anymore. Listen to my song, brother!”
“Goodbye to you my trusted friend,
We’ve known each other since we were nine or ten,
Together we’ve climbed hills and trees,
Learned of love and ABC’s,
Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees,
Goodbye my friend it’s hard to die…”
As the song ended, I felt as if I had fallen from one world into another. Weary from the hardships of my journey, I gently placed the guitar beside Fangyuan’s gravestone. I was leaving and had no intention of taking the guitar with me. If my story were to become a book, it would begin with a guitar and end with one too. This act would at least make the book seem cohesive and complete.
But I had overlooked something: at the beginning of this story, I was holding the guitar, waiting for Jianwei. At the end of this story, the person I was waiting for had already become a woman named Mi Cai.
…
I finally left behind everything I had brought and prepared to leave the cemetery, but on the way back, I encountered someone who surprised me greatly. It was Sun Hangzhang, the bank president who had once been entrusted to provide 15 million yuan in funding for Simi Advertising. I hadn’t expected to meet him here. He looked solemn, holding a bouquet of lilies symbolizing pure friendship.
I stopped in my tracks, but he looked at me without surprise. I could then be certain—he had come to visit Fangyuan too. Before I could speak, he said with a heavy expression, “I didn’t attend Fangyuan’s funeral because I needed to fulfill a promise to him… But still, I ended up meeting you here.”
I turned my head to look at Fangyuan’s gravestone again, unable to express my feelings at that moment.
Sun Hangzhang held the bouquet of lilies more tightly and sighed deeply, saying, “Fangyuan and I could be considered friends across generations… Two years ago, due to a work mistake, I caused significant losses to the bank. He used his own resources to help me with capital operations, eventually successfully covering the losses and saving my position… Although we met through financial dealings, we were more like friends in life… So, no matter how others view his life, in my heart, he was a smart, responsible, and loyal young man… Unfortunately, his life was too short!”
Looking at Sun Hangzhang before me, I couldn’t help but ask myself: where exactly is the clear boundary between good and evil?
In reality, there is none. Humans are ultimately subjective creatures. Those who infringe on our interests are evil, while those who give us something are good… Or perhaps, the dead have passed on. For Fangyuan, notions of good and evil no longer matter… So I said nothing, only nodding in agreement with Sun Hangzhang’s words about Fangyuan.
Sun Hangzhang’s expression remained heavy as he continued, “I don’t know if you’ve heard any rumors, but Xiang Chen, your and Fangyuan’s university friend, is now under investigation by the relevant authorities for suspected illegal fundraising of a significant amount… If convicted, the punishment won’t be light! Fangyuan often talked to me about you and Xiang Chen when you were in university. He spoke highly of you, Zhao Yang, but when mentioning Xiang Chen, his expression was always complicated. He said, ‘Xiang Chen’s biggest betrayal is to you, his brother, and Jian BoYu’s daughter, Jian Wei… He also said that if one day Xiang Chen ended up in prison, it would be a case of getting what he deserved…’ And now, it seems his words have indeed come true!”
My mood grew heavy, but I didn’t know what to say… Because some things had long since faded into the past, making it hard for me to trace their origins… Yet, deep down, I already understood.
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