It was already deep into the night when a shivering, drenched figure emerged from the lake. His appearance was exactly like the notorious “Panty Bandit” described in legends. However, to everyone’s disappointment, this was none other than our protagonist—Liu Dashao.
Liu Dashao, having narrowly escaped death, suddenly realized the preciousness of life. Clenching his fist tightly, he shouted, “Damn it! Even a guy like me can’t die. Heaven really does have eyes!”
Immediately afterward, Liu Dashao rolled away from the lakeside without stopping, even stomping a few times on the aquatic plants to vent his frustration. As he walked, suddenly, his stomach started rebelling.
“Damn! I just wrestled with that little ghost earlier, and I didn’t expect it to drain so much of my energy. Oh well, I’d better find something to eat first,” Liu Dashao muttered to himself while rubbing his stomach.
After fifteen minutes of effort, Liu Dashao finally caught a rabbit, though it was only due to sheer luck. Why do I say that? Because the rabbit had a lame leg.
“Hehe! Where are you running now, little guy?” Liu Dashao held the rabbit by its leg, speaking in a falsetto Beijing accent, clearly proud of himself. But truthfully, Liu Dashao wasn’t even embarrassed—how could you, Liu Dashao, have caught this rabbit if it weren’t for its lame leg? You’re just bullying this poor little bunny!
After choosing a good spot, Liu Dashao lit a fire and used his pocket knife to skin the poor, unlucky little rabbit before roasting it over the flames with great satisfaction.
When the rabbit was about 70-80% cooked, Liu Dashao noticed two vague figures moving in the distance, pacing back and forth at a decent speed. He couldn’t help but feel suspicious: “Huh? Who would be out here in this remote wilderness? Could it be ghosts again?”
At that thought, Liu Dashao’s back hairs stood straight up, and cold sweat poured from his body. It felt like he had been suddenly yanked out of a warm, cozy blanket and thrown into icy seawater, a chill seeping into his very bones…
Staring at the two figures approaching, Liu Dashao stood frozen like a statue, unsure of what to do. After a while, he finally calmed himself, reasoning, “I’m just imagining things again. How could something so coincidental happen? This isn’t a novel! (Old Nine chuckled.) Maybe they’re just villagers from the mountains!”
The moment he thought of villagers, Liu Dashao suddenly seemed to receive an electric jolt of energy. He “whooshed” to his feet and hurried toward the two figures without even putting down the roasting rabbit in his hand. Why had Liu Dashao suddenly changed his mind? Because he had his own little scheme going on in his mind: he was lost, and if they really were villagers, that would be great. But if they were something else… Well, if it’s a disaster, it’s unavoidable anyway—so be it!
Liu Dashao took three steps at a time and soon reached the two people. With a grin like a mischievous dog, he asked, “Hey, big brothers, good evening! Do you two know this area well?”
The two questioned individuals were momentarily stunned, exchanging confused glances. One of them, a fair-skinned man, asked, “You… can see us?”
“Huh? What do you mean, see you? Why wouldn’t I see you?” Liu Dashao was puzzled, not expecting such a strange question.
“Oh, nothing. I mean… it’s so dark now, how could you see us?” The fair-skinned man’s momentary surprise vanished quickly, and he began to cover up his confusion with vague words.
Liu Dashao, indeed a rough and carefree fellow, would normally suspect something was off about these two. But Liu Dashao, being Liu Dashao, not only didn’t doubt them, but even naively explained, “Haha, I lit a fire over there and was roasting a wild rabbit! Oh, do you guys want some too? It’s just about done!” So saying, he raised the roasted rabbit in his hand and took a deep whiff of its aroma.
“Roast meat? What’s that? Is it edible?” Beside the fair-skinned man stood a middle-aged, dark-skinned man, a striking contrast to his companion. He now curiously pointed at Liu Dashao’s roast and asked.
“What? You guys are so poor you’ve never even eaten roast meat? Are you monks or something? Hey! Today’s been full of weird stuff,” Liu Dashao widened his eyes in disbelief, his mouth stretching wide open, almost wide enough to fit an ox egg inside.
The black-and-white pair exchanged another glance and hesitantly asked, “Is roast meat tasty?”
“Of course it’s tasty! Come on, meeting me today is your lucky day! You must have stepped in dog poop at least eight hundred times in your past lives to meet someone as great as me! Come over here, I’m treating you today—eat until you’re full!” Liu Dashao chattered on, waving the roasted meat with one hand and pulling the two black-and-white figures toward the fire with the other, showing remarkable warmth and hospitality.
Then, he cut off two rabbit legs and handed one each to the two “vegetarians” sitting across from him.
“Eat! It’s delicious!” Liu Dashao urged with winking eyes, looking like a perverted uncle who had just lured a little girl home. Okay, I admit I might have a dirty mind…
The black-and-white pair exchanged glances again, but neither took a bite first. Instead, they swallowed hard, staring at the roasted rabbit legs in their hands. Amid the flickering firelight, one could see the fat dripping from the legs into the flames, mingling with the fragrance of pine wood. Even without tasting, one could already imagine the exquisite flavor.
“Hey! What are you waiting for? Eat! If you don’t eat, I will!” Seeing that neither of them had taken a bite, Liu Dashao couldn’t help but get impatient. He snatched the rabbit leg from the dark-skinned man’s hand and started chewing on it hungrily.
The way he ate, the way he looked—it was beyond description. I swear, I’ve seen messy eaters before, but never one this messy! At that moment, Liu Dashao looked like a hungry ghost reborn, as if he hadn’t eaten in three lifetimes. He not only devoured the meat until it was bone-clean, but even chewed the bones themselves. Truly, you can’t judge a book by its cover—especially when it comes to pigs! What a shame, what a shame.
Watching Liu Dashao devour the food like a wolf, the fair-skinned man couldn’t help but take a bite himself, chewing it slowly.
“Wow! This is actually pretty good! Delicious!” The fair-skinned man’s previously dull eyes suddenly lit up. He gave a thumbs-up, swallowed the meat, and then eagerly tore off another piece, putting it into his mouth to savor it slowly.
As the saying goes, once the first bite is taken, the rest will follow. Seeing how much the fair-skinned man was enjoying it, the dark-skinned man finally couldn’t resist either. Ignoring the heat, he quickly tore off a large, fatty piece from the roasted rabbit’s hind leg and brought it to his mouth, ready to bite. But Liu Dashao suddenly laughed and said, “Brother, although this rabbit leg is fatty, it’s actually the front leg. The flavor isn’t as good as the hind leg.”
The dark-skinned man laughed and said, “You’re actually quite kind-hearted, kid.” Then he switched to a front leg and started eating.
“Hmm? This taste really is pretty good! It’s way better than those candles and yellow paper offerings,” the dark-skinned man remarked.
Before he could finish speaking, his waist was jabbed by the fair-skinned man, and a whisper as soft as a mosquito’s buzz reached his ears: “Don’t slip up.”
The dark-skinned man’s heart immediately tensed, and he said no more, only murmuring, “Good… good…”
“If it’s so good, why not eat more?” The fair-skinned man smiled, stroking his oily chin, and gave the dark-skinned man a meaningful look.
“Eat, everyone eat!” The dark-skinned man understood immediately and laughed heartily.
In no time, without Liu Dashao even needing to prompt them, the black-and-white pair didn’t hold back—they tore off pieces of meat and stuffed them into their mouths. Soon, it seemed like the sound of chewing could be heard for hundreds of miles around.
“Haha! Told you it’s good, right? I’m a genius chef! My food is the best in the world! You two must have really good luck today!” In the middle of the meal, Liu Dashao couldn’t help but start boasting again, waving his big hands around proudly.
“Yeah! Exactly! You’re absolutely right!” The black-and-white pair nodded in agreement while continuing to stuff their mouths. Judging from the way they ate, they weren’t much better than the six little masters—they looked like people who hadn’t eaten in several lifetimes.
“By the way, may I ask your honorable surnames? And why are you two out for a late-night stroll? Aren’t you afraid of running into ghosts?” Liu Dashao asked after tossing away a rib he had licked clean.
The fair-skinned man had been focused on eating when Liu Dashao asked this, but upon hearing it, he suddenly coughed, spitting out half the rabbit meat in his mouth.
“Hahaha! Did you just say we’re afraid of ghosts? Hahaha! That’s the funniest joke I’ve heard this year!” The fair-skinned man laughed so hard he almost choked, spitting saliva everywhere.
“Hehe, my surname is Fan, and his is Xie. You can just call us Xie Seven and Fan Eight. May we ask your name, brother?” The dark-skinned man beside him also laughed, though not as exaggeratedly as Fan Eight.
Liu Dashao was puzzled—was what I said really that funny? Oh well, maybe they often walk at night and have gotten used to it. So, Liu Dashao didn’t dwell on it and introduced himself, “Oh! So you’re Brother Xie Seven and Brother Fan Eight. My surname is Liu, you can just call me Dashao!”
“Haha, young brother, forgive my boldness, but it’s not safe to wander around like this so late at night. Why are you out here?” Brother Xie Seven asked with a smile, appearing quite amiable.
“Oh man! You wouldn’t believe it! I barely escaped with my life! If it weren’t for my good fortune and strong fate, I probably wouldn’t have made it out alive today. Maybe you won’t believe me, but do you know what I encountered today? A vengeful ghost! And it was even a little one! Sigh, I really should’ve checked the almanac before going out—I’ve just had bad luck,” Liu Dashao shook his head and said, “But at least I’m safe now.”
“Oh! So you actually fought with a ghost? That means you must be quite skilled!” Fan Eight, who had been focused only on eating, suddenly interrupted.
As the saying goes, where there’s a listener, there’s a storyteller! Seeing that they were interested, Liu Dashao immediately started embellishing. The part where he had been beaten up and running around crying for his mom was now transformed into a tale of him bravely swallowing mountains and rivers, like a mighty war god descending from heaven. Just how thick was this guy’s skin? Calling him a two-faced flatterer would probably be an insult to him!
Xie Seven and Fan Eight listened with great interest while occasionally popping a couple of meat pieces into their mouths. Finally, Liu Dashao finished his tall tale.
Brother Xie Seven was the first to raise his hands in a respectful bow toward Liu Dashao, saying, “I never expected my little brother to be so brave and mighty. I truly admire you from the bottom of my heart!”
“Exactly! That’s a must!” Liu Dashao raised his head proudly, like an old turtle peeking out of its shell, exuding a kind of kingly aura described in novels.
“Indeed, I’m also very impressed. I never expected to meet such a great master in this godforsaken place! Truly admirable!” Fan Eight also praised Liu Dashao on the spot.
“Hahaha! You guys are too kind. Actually, I’m not that amazing. I’m just someone who can go anywhere under heaven and earth, someone who can punch the old folks at Nanshan Retirement Home and kick the kids at Beihai Kindergarten! Wow, I’m just so handsome, charming, and good-looking… (Here omit ten thousand nauseating self-praising words),” Liu Dashao laughed so hard his eyes squinted into lines, waving his hands modestly now and then, occasionally covering his big donkey mouth with his pig-like hand. He looked as foolish as could be.
The three chatted joyfully, sharing their amusing stories, making each other laugh until their stomachs hurt. Adding to the fun, since Liu Dashao was a petty thief by nature, he soon rummaged around and dug up a bottle of strong liquor from some freshly dug graves nearby, along with three broken bowls—just one for each person. They drank heartily. Before they knew it, the roast meat was all gone, and dawn was approaching, the hazy night sky beginning to turn translucent.
“Oh no! It’s already morning. We should head back now, right, Old Fan?” Brother Xie Seven gazed toward the distant horizon and asked the still-laughing Fan Wujiu.
“Hehe, is that so? It must be almost time for the morning rooster’s crow. Let’s go then,” Fan Eight answered, standing up and brushing the dust off his clothes.
Tai Sui Yellow Amulet Paper FuLu Taoist Love Talisman Traditional Chinese Spiritual Charm Attracting Love Protecting Marriage