Chapter 385: Guiding Light

I stared at the cockroach in my hand for a long time before suddenly smiling.

All my life, I’ve considered others, always striving for fairness. I’ve upheld fairness as my creed.

But who in this world has ever considered *me*?

I hold the scales of justice in my heart, facing the world, yet others constantly tip them askew.

Whenever people introduce me, they say I’m a “female” lawyer from Chengdu. I truly despise that label.

I want equality, not special treatment.

I am a lawyer—whether famous or not—why must they emphasize that I’m a *woman*? I just want to be like any other lawyer. I want them to see my competence, not my gender.

But…

None of that matters now.

Right now, I just want some water, something sweet, something salty.

My gums won’t stop bleeding.

I might die soon…

Tell me… has anyone died in this room before?

Why are there so many scratches on the walls?

I didn’t make them, yet they remain clear—did someone live here before?

The next night, Butcher Ma appeared again.

This time, he must have been unable to stand the stench on me—he brought a hose.

As soon as he opened the door, without a word, he sprayed me down, recording the whole thing on his phone.

Yes, I was just like a pig.

I remember butchers doing the same, hosing down pigs before slaughter.

Now, I have no dignity, no humanity—just a pig waiting for slaughter.

Can’t you just kill me?

He hosed me for over ten minutes, washing away most of the filth and grime.

Though I felt like livestock, I had to admit—it was better than before. At least I was clean.

As a human… shouldn’t I at least be clean?

I lay helpless on the ground, waiting for Butcher Ma’s “blessing.”

This absurd life is too much—my existence was no different from the pigs in his pen.

No… actually, keeping me was cheaper than raising pigs.

I only needed three yuan a day to survive. Pigs couldn’t live like that.

Pigs had to be fattened to be sold. I didn’t.

As long as I had breath left, as long as I was still a living woman, I was still useful to him.

When Butcher Ma panted over me, I mustered all my strength to whisper, *”I’ll do anything… just let me go…?”*

*”Let you go…? No way…”* he gasped back. *”Gotta keep you locked up for years… till the cops forget you…”*

Years…?

Did I hear right?

A year has 365 days…

I’ve only been here twenty days, and I’m already dying.

I have to stay here for *years*?

*”I’ll die…”* I couldn’t even cry anymore—just choked sobs. *”If you leave me here… I’ll die… Didn’t you say you wanted me as your wife? What if I die…?”*

*”You’re already my wife!!”* he snarled. *”Dying’s fine—just give me a son first. Then you can die.”*

This life…

Was exactly what I imagined as a child.

*”I’ll do it… I’ll give you a child…”* I wailed. *”Just let me out…”*

*”Dream on. I’ll take you out after you birth a son!”*

Watching him indulge in his filth, I felt true despair.

He really wanted me dead.

Slowly, I wrapped my arms around his neck, opened my mouth—and when he least expected it, bit down on his artery.

I wanted to kill him.

But I overestimated myself. I had no strength left.

All I did was hurt him—left deep teeth marks. I felt my own teeth loosening, yet couldn’t break his skin.

He howled, stood up, and started kicking me.

Every blow landed on my stomach. I couldn’t shield myself.

I *would* be injured—unprotected, my organs and bones would shatter.

They’d hasten my death.

The next day, I couldn’t even crawl—just writhed on the ground.

I coughed blood constantly.

Yesterday, Butcher Ma had flooded the floor—but there was no drain.

Filth, waste, and mud mixed with stagnant water, soaking moldy hay, fermenting in July’s heat into a suffocating stench.

And me?

I couldn’t stand. I swam in sewage.

Every impurity clung to me. Now, I *was* a pig wallowing in filth.

Groping through the muck, I searched for today’s water and food.

*”Laidi, if you ever reach the city, go straight to the police station and change your name.”*

A voice echoed in my mind—my beacon, my teacher. Unlike every girl in the village—Laidi, Zhaodi, Pandi, Erni, Sanni—her name was Ning Wan’er.

We stood by the lake at dawn, watching the sunrise.

*”Why?”* I asked.

*”You’re exceptional, but that name will bring you trouble.”* She sighed. *”I want a better life for you—not trapped here forever. You can choose your own path.”*

Back then, I didn’t understand. Born inferior, how could I *choose* my life?

*”But… what should I be called?”*

*”Whatever you love. A name should bless *your* life, not someone else’s.”* She coughed. *”Be like this lake at dawn—reflect dazzling light when warmed, yet remain gentle as ripples, even when dark and cold beneath.”*

I didn’t grasp her words then—only noticed her fading health.

A lake at dawn…?

Now I realize—she must’ve been ill.

Is she okay now? Did she recover?

Did she live to see today?

As a child, I never thought to ask for her contact. Now, I’ll never find her.

*”Laidi, there’s a legend…”* Gazing at the lake, she smiled softly. *”When things die, they live on in other forms.”*

*”What does that mean?”*

*”If I die someday, I might become grass, a tree, a bird, or an insect.”*

Her words were profound yet enchanting.

So… no one truly dies?

They just change forms, living forever in this world.

That… sounds fair.

*”I hope you never die, Teacher.”*

*”Why?”*

*”No one’s ever been this kind to me.”* Her eyes looked tearful. *”Even if you become a bird, a bug, or a stone… I don’t want you to die.”*

*”Then I won’t.”* She laughed.

Teacher Ning said she’d leave in three days—but vanished the next.

Perhaps something urgent called her back to the city.