I put the phone aside and took out a can of beer from a convenient bag, drinking it. My mood became increasingly depressed, yet I couldn’t find even one comforting reason for myself. I didn’t know how deeply I had hurt Li Xiaoyun, nor could I imagine the feelings of Bada and Mom at this moment. For them, the long night about to come would also be sleepless.
The phone rang again. It was still Leyao calling. Her persistence left me helpless, and I finally answered, saying patiently, “I’ve really already had dinner. Can’t you just go eat by yourself?”
Leyao spoke with a sob, “Zhaoyang, I know you’re feeling down. For my sake, you must have given up a lot, right?”
“You’re overthinking. It’s just going back to Suzhou. At most, I can pretend I never returned to Xuzhou,” I said, taking out a cigarette from the pack and lighting it subconsciously due to my frustration.
“Then come out and have dinner with me. I really don’t feel like eating alone.”
I was silent for a while but finally agreed to Leyao’s request. I didn’t want her to sense my desolation and thus feel guilty. However, I truly hated the forced cheerfulness after meeting face-to-face, which was actually the main reason I initially refused to have dinner with Leyao.
…
Despite the bitter cold of deep winter, I took a hot shower in the small hotel before walking out with my wallet in hand. Unexpectedly, Leyao, who was waiting across the street, saw me clearly.
She ran up to me, gazed at me for a long time without saying a word.
I put out my cigarette and, with cold hands in my pockets, said, “Didn’t you want to eat? Let’s go.”
“How come you’re staying in such a small hotel?” Leyao asked, her eyes reddening.
Subconsciously, I thought women were usually slow, but Leyao had actually arrived at the meeting place before me, which is why she saw me coming out of the small hotel. Looking at her, I noticed she wore no makeup and was simply dressed in a basic sport-style down jacket. No wonder she arrived earlier than me.
I tried to change the subject, saying, “Let’s find a place to eat first.”
Leyao nodded tearfully and gently, and then we walked side by side into the crowd, moving forward along the street.
I just wanted to eat something simple on the roadside, but Leyao insisted on hailing a taxi and asked the driver to take us to a high-end Western restaurant.
…
Inside the Western restaurant, listening to the soothing music and the sound of water from the fountain, my tense mood finally eased a little.
Leyao kept her head down eating, not speaking to me at all, while I had no appetite and merely drank a glass of red wine.
Half an hour later, Leyao finally finished her meal. She looked at the untouched food in front of me, her expression turning gloomy again. After a while, she softly asked, “Zhaoyang, going to Suzhou this time must have been really difficult for you, right?”
“It’s not hard at all. Don’t worry about it.”
“What about your girlfriend? Didn’t she say anything?”
Leyao touched a sore spot, yet I had to endure the pain and say, “It’s okay. She supports my decision.”
Indeed, Xiaoyun supported my decision, but the premise was that I had also lost a love that had been heading toward marriage with her.
Leyao continued to press me, “Then why are you staying in a small hotel alone?”
Finally, my irritation reached its peak. I frowned and said, “Leyao, do you know why I didn’t want to have dinner with you? I really don’t want you to keep asking me question after question… No matter what consequences this matter brings, I have already made my choice. So all your questions now are meaningless.”
Leyao didn’t speak anymore.
I said to her, “After returning to Suzhou this time, first find Roben and CC to help you manage the bar. I’ll get there as soon as possible, maybe within a week.”
“Okay, Roben has been singing at my bar for a month now, and he’s been doing it for free. I feel really guilty toward him… Zhaoyang, if there were any other way, I wouldn’t have turned to you. I know this puts you in a difficult position!”
Leyao’s words stirred complicated feelings inside me. Sometimes life is so cruel that it doesn’t give people a choice, and being alive is often so beyond one’s control.
After leaving the Western restaurant, we walked on the cold street under the streetlights. I was still smoking, while Leyao looked blankly at the far end of the street.
I don’t know how long we walked in this lonely manner before finally arriving at the hotel where Leyao was staying. It was time for us to part briefly.
I said to Leyao, “Go back to the hotel and rest early. If I have time tomorrow morning, I’ll see you off.”
“No need. My train is at ten. You’ll probably already be at work by then.”
“Yeah, then take care on your way. There are too many different kinds of people on the train.”
But Leyao ignored my reminder. With tears in her eyes, she said, “I’m really too immature. I should have listened to your advice and not opened the bar. I ruined myself and hurt you too!”
I gently patted her shoulder, comforting her, “Don’t cry. Everyone will make mistakes in their lifetime. What matters is how to make up for them afterward. I will be with you to get through this tough time.”
Leyao, overwhelmed with emotion, suddenly threw herself into my arms, sobbing, “Zhaoyang, whatever you’ve lost today for me, I will definitely compensate you for it in the future.”
I held Leyao by the shoulders, gently pushing her away from my embrace, and looked at her seriously, saying, “Remember, between us, we must never speak of the word ‘compensation’ again. Just like the slap you took for me, did you ever want me to compensate you for that?”
Leyao shook her head, saying, “I don’t want any compensation from you. I did it willingly for you.”
“Therefore, going to Suzhou is also something I’m doing willingly for you.”
…
After sending Leyao back to the hotel, I walked alone on the street. Passing the bus stop ahead, I would reach the small hotel where I was staying. However, at this moment, I didn’t feel like going back, even though the world was bitterly cold.
I sat on a stone bench in front of the train station square, lighting a cigarette and absentmindedly watching the people coming and going. At this moment, these people who passed by me had a brief encounter with me, but the next moment they would board their trains heading in different directions, never to meet again. Yet their lives would continue, filled with joy and sorrow.
Therefore, no one can live a completely peaceful life. A life filled with happiness and sadness is what constitutes an ordinary life.
Taking a deep breath, I finally put out the cigarette in my hand and couldn’t help but look up at the sky. Where was that crystal-clear city? I had traveled between Suzhou and Xuzhou, two cities. Whether during the day’s gaze or the night’s longing, I had never seen it again. Was it truly just an imagined city? If so, how sad that would be… because a weary heart would never find a place to rest.
If only there were a small silver boat right now, gently curved, swaying and rocking, spending the night, carrying me flying into that soft sky, how wonderful it would be…
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