The dense dark clouds and the rain seemed to be singing an elegy across the city. Blood flowed from Fangyuan’s body like scattered petals, gradually dissolving in the rain. My world had only two extreme colors left: crimson and gray. I felt so heavy that I could barely breathe. I stood there, stiff, watching Fangyuan convulsing. His shoe had fallen off, his face was dirty from the filthy water, and his white socks were stained. Was this still the same brother who had drunk with me in college and lent me his money from part-time jobs so I could keep my band going?
Why can’t I see his face clearly? Why can’t I hear his breathing?
Why?
Mi Lan was dragged out of the car by security guards from the office building. She didn’t resist, her face pale and lifeless, as if after killing Fangyuan, nothing else in this world mattered to her anymore.
Yanyan tightly held Fangyuan’s hand, helpless amid the pain threatening to break her. She had already cried herself out, instinctively gripping his hand tighter and tighter. Gradually, we all heard the sound of an ambulance approaching from a distance.
But they only brought the announcement of death. Fangyuan’s heart had already stopped beating. He had left this world without saying a single word. And the city fell into silence.
In my world, only a single tear of remorse from him and an unfinished bottle of beer remained. How I wished I could forgive him!
The hospital staff carried the soulless body onto the ambulance. Mi Lan, who had been silent all along, finally lost control. She screamed, “Why? Why? I had already decided to forgive you, so why did you still stay with that cheap woman? Why! Fangyuan, you demon, you heartless, emotion-manipulating demon… I can’t have children anymore, so why did you feel absolutely no guilt toward me and still stay with that cheap woman…”
The sound of police sirens signaled that everything was drawing toward its inevitable conclusion. Mi Lan was handcuffed and pushed into the police car. My heart was aching. How could I tell the world, how could I tell her, everything Fangyuan had told me twenty minutes before his death? How could I tell them that Yanyan and Fangyuan had only coincidentally ended up together?
If this scene had never happened, Yanyan and Fangyuan would have parted ways here and gone their separate ways to face their own families.
Mi Lan acted impulsively!
But she had reasons to be impulsive. Her personality had flaws, but she was also a victim. She had already lost her ability to think rationally after receiving the devastating news that she could no longer have children. She had pinned all her hopes for the rest of her life on Fangyuan, only to witness that coincidental scene. And Yanyan had been her nightmare all along, so she broke down and lost control.
Finally, I collapsed helplessly onto the ground, bowing my head as the rain poured over my body. Within this inescapable shadow, I tried to find the remaining light. Was everything that happened in this world based on cause and effect? Was no one able to escape the cycle of good and evil, only differing in timing and manner?
That evening, Qinyan and I picked up Yanyan from the police station after she had assisted with the investigation. She looked lost and refused to stay with us, wanting to be alone. I understood where she wanted to go, so I assured Qinyan that I would take care of her.
Perhaps Qinyan understood Yanyan’s feelings better than anyone else. He silently chose to leave, giving Yanyan the space she needed. Finally, enduring the pain that felt like knives cutting through me, I softly said to Yanyan, “Come with me. I want to go there too…”
I drove the car to our alma mater, the university that held countless memories for us.
It was the last weekend before winter break, so the streets were filled with energetic students. Once, we were just like them, afraid of final exams, yet paradoxically believing that obtaining a graduation certificate meant we had conquered the entire world.
These familiar scenes instantly brought tears to my eyes. I leaned back in the seat and lit a cigarette. Yanyan sat beside me, staring blankly out the window, her tears never stopping. I knew that being here would make her think even more than I did.
Halfway through the cigarette, cheers of “It’s snowing!” came from outside the window. The entire campus became a sea of joy. I turned around in confusion, only to realize that our car had already been surrounded by students, and the sky had truly begun to fall with the first snow of the year.
I opened the car door and stood among the students. Looking at their youthful faces, I saw echoes of our past. In that memory, there was also snow, and there was me and Fangyuan.
It was a night when my bandmates and I were walking back to school after a performance. We were discouraged because we had spent a lot of money renting the venue but hadn’t earned anything from the show. Our long-term financial losses had already led us to consider disbanding the band.
The snow that night was heavier than it was now. In the snow-covered path, Fangyuan, panting and out of breath, caught up with us on his bicycle. Without saying much, he took off his gloves and handed me 1000 yuan.
I knew this money had come from his part-time jobs outside school, and it hadn’t been easy for him, so I didn’t reach out to take it.
He smiled and stuffed the money into my pocket, then gently patted my shoulder with his chapped hands, saying, “Use this money to treat the band guys to a good meal. Then pull yourselves together and keep going. You’ve come this far; don’t think about giving up now…”
“I…”
Fangyuan didn’t give me a chance to refuse. He put his gloves back on and rode off, but a few meters later, he suddenly remembered something and turned back to say, “Oh, Zhaoyang, I’ve already compiled your notes for these days and put them in your drawer. Finals are coming up, so study hard and don’t fail so many classes again like last semester…”
“I know.”
“Yeah, the world is tough and cruel. You need to keep going with both your dreams and your studies. I’m off. If you run short on money, call me anytime!”
“No need. How can I ever repay you for this favor?”
“We don’t need to talk about favors between us. When your band becomes famous, just remember to sing ‘Seasons in the Sun’ for me at your concert. That’s a great song. I’ve been listening to it a lot lately…”
That night, his retreating figure on the bicycle was deeply etched into my heart. Later, I sang that song for him at a school celebration. It turned out he had always remembered it, which was why he had hoped to hear it again someday.
Unfortunately, there would never be another chance…
I lifted my head, unable to hold back my tears any longer. I sobbed so hard my body trembled. People around me came to comfort me, but I couldn’t stop. I cried until my lungs ached, my heart ached, and I collapsed to my knees, unable to stand again.
He wasn’t a bad person, at least not back then.
Inside the school cafeteria, Yanyan and I had the simplest dinner of the year. In front of us was only a plate of plain vegetables, a bowl of porridge, and a few steamed buns. I endured the pain and finished my meal. Yanyan, however, never stopped crying. In this campus, she had far more memories with Fangyuan than I did. They had sat in this cafeteria countless times, eating the simplest meals and sharing the secrets of young hearts.
That night, Yanyan and I didn’t go back. We spent the entire night in an all-night study room that had been opened for exam preparation. We didn’t speak, we didn’t do anything. We only listened to the sounds of pages turning and notes being written. Finally, I understood that Yanyan had never truly let go of Fangyuan. But now, she could say nothing and do nothing. Because compared to this lingering emotion, she needed her present life more.
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