That night after the filming ended, Leyao treated us all to a big seafood dinner, and then we checked into a seaside hotel. My room was right next to the vast ocean that seemed boundless, and the sound of the waves never ceased their murmuring in my ears. I simply tore open a can of chilled beer, opened the window, and gazed into the farthest distance. At that moment, the more than 1000 yuan spent on the room felt entirely worthwhile, because as someone born and raised in an inland city, I rarely had the opportunity to be this close to the sea.
My room was adjacent to Leyao’s. When she opened her window too, even though we were separated by a wall, the distance between us was only a few meters.
I threw a beer can to her over the balcony, and she caught it skillfully, opened it, and took a sip, looking deeply troubled, as if even the distant lighthouse shining its light couldn’t rescue her mood at that moment.
“What are you thinking about?” I finally asked her.
“Thinking about something personal.”
“That’s like saying nothing at all…”
Leyao smiled, then turned to me and asked, “Then what about you? What are you thinking about? Specifically, when you were filming the last shot today, what were you thinking?”
“Just daydreaming.”
“You’re not saying anything either, you know.”
I nodded in agreement and replied, “Yeah, sometimes not being completely honest isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It saves me from passing my burdens onto the people around me.”
Leyao shook her head with a smile, no longer insisting on getting an answer from me as she used to. She raised her beer can toward me, then tilted her head back and drank until the can was empty before saying, “After all, we were born to be lonely. Whether or not one is good at expressing doesn’t really matter, because some pain is too private, and not everyone has the talent to express it clearly… And those who are good at expressing themselves either become writers or screenwriters, creating works painstakingly in their studies, only to be criticized by audiences who don’t understand or appreciate their efforts, calling their works melodramatic or perverted… Therefore, it’s better to regard loneliness as a kind of pact, not listening, not seeing, not writing, and not speaking…”
I thought for a moment, then burst into laughter, and then into uncontrollable laughter… Because damn it, loneliness is like a stubborn disease; you’re lonely when you have it, and lonelier when you lose it. Fortunately, in front of me was an open sea, where I could hide my loneliness in laughter, letting everything flow away with the water to the next dock, the next shore…
After a moment of silence, Leyao asked me again, “Zhaoyang, I heard that Cao Jinfei gave his gaming account to your company?”
“Yeah, so?”
Leyao narrowed her eyes and smiled, “Then please estimate the market value of this account and transfer the money to my bank card. This is the joint property between Cao Jinfei and me. He definitely had no right to give it to you!”
“Well, that shouldn’t be a problem…”
Leyao looked at me, then closed her window. I heard her leave her room, and then the rooms occupied by other crew members began to get lively. It seemed they were playing some drinking game with Leyao. Amid their noise, I couldn’t believe the nonsense that we were born to be lonely!
…
I lay on the hammock on the balcony, took out my phone to capture the surrounding sea view and the lonely lighthouse in the distance, then posted a microblog and discussed the topic of loneliness with everyone, but eventually fell asleep truly alone.
Late into the night, I was awakened by the cold, wet sea breeze, feeling a sharp pain in my throat. I realized I had caught a chill during this sudden drop in temperature. At that moment, the sounds in my ears were no longer just the ebb and flow of the tide, but also the sound of raindrops hitting the glass.
I hurried back indoors, boiled a kettle of hot water, drank it while wrapped in the blanket, and then listened to the curtains rustling in the wind while experiencing a dull ache. When I turned my head, I noticed my shadow had also fallen on the curtain, swaying along with it. Everything inside the room looked so pleasant, yet the world outside had already become increasingly chaotic and uncontrollable. At that moment, a bolt of lightning streaked across the sky, and everything perceptible trembled instantly in the thunderclap…
I took off my wristwatch, grabbed a pack of Marlboro cigarettes from the nightstand, and pulled out one, placing it in my mouth. As the flame from the lighter flared up, the entire room seemed to sway even more, shaking with the mania and unrest of this world… Yet I became increasingly calm.
I picked up my phone, swiped the screen… and just like that, an association that seemed to happen unintentionally was generated under my fingertips… I received an email from someone named “Betsy” in my mailbox again after a gap of half a year. Yes, “Betsy” is Mi Cai.
My breath became irregular, and my fingers trembled twice before I finally opened the email…
“Dear you, I’ve read your letter. You must be wondering why I saw this letter not in America. I have to thank Brother Mo Zishi for forwarding it to me. Actually, I’ve always been in contact with him. I know that when he was in China, he kept asking you to go on blind dates… To be honest: he has no ill intentions towards you or me. He kept testing you in this way, but the results always proved that you didn’t do anything that would make me feel sad just because you were lonely. So I’m really grateful to Brother Mo Zishi. From his words, I heard about a you who can resist temptation and is gradually maturing, which allows me to live peacefully in America… However, two months ago I left America. I had to leave for a while because my condition wasn’t very good. I really needed an unrestricted journey to relax myself!… This ongoing trip has made me feel very comfortable and enjoyable, so please don’t worry about me. I hope you are enjoying your life even more than I am right now… Oh, there’s also a photo I took during my trip attached below the letter. I seem to have gained some weight, but there’s nothing I can do about it—you know how when your heart is at ease, your body gains weight. If you don’t like it, I’ll try to lose it again in the future… Also, from your letter I heard that the wooden horse in front of the convenience store has already been removed. I’m also very sorry about that, but it’s just a pity, because I think we will have a better future, so there’s no need to confine ourselves in those small past pleasures, which would be very short-sighted… Sigh! Looking back at this letter I wrote to you, it really can’t compare with yours. Maybe I was just not born with the talent for sentimentality. My expression feels as plain as boiled water, but when I read your letter, I almost cried, because I kept thinking about you and the interesting old man Li laughing and chatting by the moat, yet feeling so lonely inside, and there’s nothing I could do to help with your loneliness!…”
I hadn’t even finished reading the letter when I felt tears welling up in my eyes. The knot in my heart finally loosened a bit, and my gaze finally landed on the photo attached to the letter.
I saw her familiar yet somewhat unfamiliar face again. In the photo, she was wearing a white sun hat and red sunglasses. Behind her was the sea and the blue sky. She was smiling, but, just as she had said, she had indeed gained some weight. However, it didn’t affect her beauty at all. On the contrary, it made me feel genuinely reassured because when the heart is at ease, the body gains weight. Perhaps she was now more relaxed and happier than when she had stayed with me in Xuzhou.
I hope she will return soon because I can only be happy with her by my side… A simple journey cannot save me, so I always feel that in our relationship, I am the one who is more deeply involved, while she is more carefree than me. But this imbalance doesn’t matter as long as I know she will return to me eventually.
…
After receiving Mi Cai’s reply, my anxious heart finally settled. I began to focus all my energy on my career again, even losing track of time, until one day when people on the street started wearing thick coats, I realized the world had said goodbye to summer and welcomed a season called autumn.
On that evening, Cao Jinfei and I went together to the airport in Shanghai to pick up Leyao and Luoben. Yes! After Leyao’s fourth trip to the United States to persuade him, Luoben, who had been stubborn to an exasperating degree, finally agreed to return to China with her, ending nearly a year of living in America. They were expected to land around 6 o’clock.
During the waiting period, Cao Jinfei and I chatted casually. We first talked about the game that was about to launch, and then moved on to CC, the woman who had been out of touch for a very long time. He asked me, “Have you heard? CC got married, right?”
“Yeah, she did! Why are you asking like that?”
“I just think: since she’s already married, she should come back and visit all of you old friends. After all, the bond between you goes beyond friendship; it’s almost like family, right?”
“I’m not sure how she feels. Maybe we just don’t know her well enough, but I do think it’s time for her to come back and visit!”
Cao Jinfei nodded. He was just treating it as a casual topic, and he was more concerned about how much longer they would have to wait before meeting Leyao. So he looked at the time again, while I genuinely missed CC. I clearly remembered her saying that once she truly forgot about her relationship with Luoben, she would come back to visit… If that was the case, then either she had broken her promise or she hadn’t completely let go of that relationship yet.
Finally, Cao Jinfei and I saw Luoben and Leyao walking towards us side by side. Luoben now had short hair, but still loved wearing jackets and Martin boots. The guitar he carried on his back indicated that Leyao’s persuasion was successful. Luoben, the man hailed as the new father of rock, would once again stir up a fierce storm in the music industry.
…
That night after Luoben’s return, I hosted a dinner for all our friends still in Suzhou. During the meal, I sat with Luoben, and we drank as usual, talking about some topics regarding the future. He told me that this time he didn’t want to sign with any record company. He wanted to build his own team and become an independent musician, striving to hold a stadium-level concert within a year.
I felt genuinely happy about his decision and immediately expressed my full support for achieving this goal. We also reached another consensus: this year, we would hold six small-scale touring concerts on the cultural road.
After the dinner ended, I stood by the parking lot waiting for the designated driver to bring my car, when I noticed Yan Yan crouching by the flowerbed vomiting. I hurried over and asked Qin Yan, who was beside her, “Why is she vomiting? I didn’t see her drinking at all earlier?”
Qin Yan looked like he wanted to say something but hesitated. Yan Yan, who had somewhat recovered, patted her chest and said to me, “Zhaoyang, I’m sorry. I should have told you this news the moment I found out, but I was afraid you would blame me… Uh, Qin Yan and I didn’t take proper contraceptive measures, and I’m pregnant!… I know that in a situation where the advertising company needs me so much, we should have been more cautious, but still… I’m really sorry!”
Upon hearing the news of Yan Yan’s pregnancy, a complex emotion immediately arose in my heart. It wasn’t because I was worried about the impact on work, but rather because I marveled at how unpredictable life was. Yan Yan had eventually become pregnant by another man, not Fangyuan. If it had happened in the past, I would have never believed it possible, but now it seemed quite natural.
Perhaps Yan Yan’s decision not to have a child with Fangyuan back then was the right one. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have this sweet life with Qin Yan now. Yes! They were indeed very sweet, so much so that no one would believe that Yan Yan would secretly think of Fangyuan, the man who had walked with her for nearly ten years, during some sleepless nights.
…
It was another late night after working overtime at the company. I tucked my coat tightly against the autumn chill and was preparing to grab a late-night snack on the street…
I entered a dumpling shop and, as usual, ordered my favorite xiaolongbao and soybean milk. Then, by chance, I saw Fangyuan crouching next to a trash can, vomiting. He seemed very drunk. After vomiting, he staggered across the street and almost got hit by a truck, but he himself still didn’t seem to be afraid. He continued to cross the red light towards the street where I was, still holding a beer can that might not have been finished yet…
Then, I saw Mikan rushing over in a hurry. They first tugged at each other and then started arguing. In her emotional outburst, Mikan, disregarding the people passing by on the street, even raised her handbag and hit Fangyuan with it several times. Fangyuan endured it at first, but eventually couldn’t stand it anymore. He snatched the handbag from Mikan’s hands and threw it on the ground fiercely. All kinds of cosmetics inside scattered to the ground, with several already broken into pieces…
Mikan crouched on the ground, crying silently, but Fangyuan didn’t pay any attention. He still staggered on, walking toward another district… In his back view, I saw a kind of loneliness caused by life’s disappointments, but I didn’t know the root of his loneliness. At present, his career was completely described as flourishing, because the renamed Wansen Group had officially entered the e-commerce field, something that Mi Cai hadn’t managed to achieve during her tenure!
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