I braved the cold night wind and, under Leyao’s gaze, gradually approached the nearly withered poplar tree. Bathed in the light from the passing train, I finally saw her expression clearly—it was as melancholic as the half-moon hanging in the sky.
I squatted down beside her. She fidgeted with her bangs, trying to hide her red and swollen eyes from crying, and said to me, “Did you install a tracking device on me? How could you find a place even dogs wouldn’t stay long!”
I replied, “Dogs naturally wouldn’t stay here because they never wonder where a railroad track leads—whether it ends in the desolation between cities or passes through urban noise endlessly without conclusion.”
Leyao didn’t answer me. She kept her head down in silence. At that moment, Xiao Nuo arrived beside us holding my down jacket, but when facing Leyao—a woman seemingly living inside a TV screen—she clearly felt nervous. Without saying a word, she handed me the jacket but lacked the courage to communicate directly with Leyao.
I passed the jacket to Leyao and softly said, “The wind is quite cold. Put this on quickly.”
Leyao refused to take it from my hand. She looked up at Xiao Nuo beside me, suspiciously asked, “Who are you?”
Xiao Nuo looked at me anxiously, obviously unable to handle Leyao’s questioning naturally. This was understandable, after all, to her eyes, Leyao was a celebrity packaged like a brand, carrying a sense of sanctity.
I answered for Xiao Nuo, “She’s an employee at my coffee shop and also your fan… Can’t you be a little nicer to your fans?”
“Is that so?…”
“Yeah… don’t worry, with all the years of friendship between us, there’s no way I’d bring a journalist here to set you up!”
“Hehe… Do you have the guts to take me along? Aren’t you afraid that being seen with the queen of scandals like me will make headlines? You’ll end up having to beg Micai for forgiveness again like a coward!”
That’s true. You women are indeed more thoughtful and have a clear understanding of the pros and cons.
Leyao suddenly changed her expression, sat on the ground, and kicked me while crying and cursing, “You good-for-nothing… If you’re afraid of this and scared of that, why did you even come looking for me? Just stay quietly at home and wait to marry Micai, isn’t that fine…!” Still not satisfied, she raised her other leg, ready to kick me again!
While dodging, I said to Xiao Nuo beside me, “Xiao Nuo, quickly take out your phone and film this scene—see how this girl who claims to be an international star throws a tantrum!” Then I turned to Leyao and said, “Next time you walk the red carpet, try kicking people all the way…”
Xiao Nuo stood frozen, perhaps because she had only seen Leyao’s poised and radiant side on screen, never witnessing her like this. But I had long become used to it, although I didn’t particularly like her impulsive personality… because it reminded me too much of myself, and the part I disliked most about myself. That’s why sometimes when I looked at Leyao, it felt like I was looking at myself. Perhaps this was the real reason why I had never truly fallen in love with her all these years!
Leyao clearly wasn’t afraid of my threat and kicked me a few more times before finally stopping and looking at me with a complicated expression…
I sighed softly and finally asked her, “Why did you come to Xuzhou without contacting me? Don’t you know everyone’s been really worried about you? Especially Xiao Wu—he searched for you the entire night yesterday, while you were sitting like a Buddha here in Xuzhou, silent and unresponsive!”
Leyao replied without any remorse, “Where I go is my freedom… Don’t ever think I came to Xuzhou to find you. Since I didn’t come to find you, why should I contact you? So please don’t act like you suffer from paranoia, assuming I’m some ghost haunting you and Mi Cai just to cause trouble!”
“I didn’t mean it that way!”
“Hmph, if you didn’t mean it that way, then why didn’t you dare to come alone to meet me? I think you and Mi Cai are quite funny, using this method to mock me. Why didn’t Mi Cai come herself, but instead sent a woman I’ve never met before to accompany you?… Are you trying to tell me I’m just a clown who can be laughed at anytime?”
“Leyao, you really misunderstood… This wasn’t Mi Cai’s idea at all. She went to Weihai with a friend early this morning. How could she know you came to Xuzhou!… Please don’t be unreasonable!”
Our argument made Xiao Nuo, who stood aside, very uncomfortable. Finally, she gathered her courage and asked, “Brother Zhaoyang, am I making things inconvenient by staying here?…”
I firmly replied, “There’s nothing inconvenient about it.”
Xiao Nuo glanced at Leyao again instinctively and said, “I’ll wait in the car then… You and Leyao Jie can chat properly and stop arguing!” Saying this, she looked back at us with lingering anxiety before turning and walking toward the car parked by the roadside…
……
The world is obviously vast, yet at this moment, in this wilderness where no train has passed for a long time, everything seemed unreal except for the two of us facing each other. Instinctively, I took out a cigarette and lit it. She silently shed tears, and once again, we reenacted the scene of man silent and woman weeping… I couldn’t help but recall: how long had it been since I last laughed and chatted joyfully with this woman in front of me? It seemed that we had never truly shared a heartfelt, spontaneous laugh!
Finally, I smiled and said, “You’ve always wanted to taste the most authentic local chicken stew, right? Let’s go, I’ll take you there.”
“Go to hell! I don’t want to see you anymore!”
“Is Xuzhou your territory? Why should I leave just because you say so!”
“Fine then, I’ll leave!” Leyao stood up, grabbed her handbag, and walked further along the railroad tracks.
I shouted at her back, “Run! Run further! There’s a cemetery exactly 1000 meters ahead of you! Since you feel so lonely, why not chat with the souls buried there? Let them tell you whether another paradise really exists beyond this world…”
Leyao finally stopped walking. Then she turned and walked in another direction. I shouted again, “Great choice! This direction is even better! There’s a crematorium 500 meters ahead, where people say goodbye to this world every day by turning into ashes… People strive their whole lives, yet in the end, all that remains is a handful of dust buried underground… Tell me, what was it all for?”
“You bastard! If I change direction again, will you say hell is right in front of me?… Is it destined that wherever I go with you, I have no way out?”
“Of course there is a way. If you can let go of your grievances and come over to me, I said I’ll take you for a good meal and show you how beautiful the fireworks of this city can be… Look up now, facing directly south—don’t you see continuous fireworks?” I paused and added, “The Lunar New Year is coming soon!”
Leyao didn’t even look up. She wore an expression of inner emptiness, her eyes equally devoid of any spark… For a long time, she finally asked me sorrowfully, “Zhaoyang, why do I live such a lonely life?…”
I couldn’t give her an answer. She sobbed softly, continuing through her tears, “My parents divorced when I was little. I’ve spent most of my life alone. After graduating from university, I drifted alone to Suzhou, where I met you—the man who made me feel even lonelier… Finally, I got married, confident that this time someone would finally be with me… But what? He seems incapable of truly loving me, while I think I’ve started to love him, because I want to make this marriage work with a sense of responsibility. That’s why I didn’t even bring the little girl to Beijing… I feel really sad, truly!… Even today, I still don’t know what I did wrong. Why does everyone discard me like trash?… The year before last, I spent New Year’s alone by the seaside in Gulangyu. Last year was in Lijiang… I don’t know where to go this year yet!… Do you know? Last month, I declined many invitations from TV stations asking me to be a guest performer, just so I could spend a reunion New Year with my family. But my father took that little seductress to Hawaii, and my mother went to Venice with her current family… I could only pin my hope for reunion on Cao Jinfei. Originally, he promised he would definitely come back and spend the New Year with me, but before returning, he gave me such a huge ‘surprise’… Tell me, why didn’t he just die in the Maldives? Then I’d only have to be heartbroken once!”
I looked at her, my heart filled with sadness. I recalled how last year, she had originally planned to spend New Year’s with me, another lonely soul, but ended up going to Lijiang because Mi Cai suddenly returned to China… She indeed seemed lonelier than any of us, especially around the New Year!… But she absolutely wasn’t the trash she described herself as—just someone unfortunate, toyed with by fate!
Seeing me remain silent for a long time, she smiled bitterly and said, “Well then, maybe I’ll go to the U.S. and spend the New Year with Roben. That should work… Only that good-for-nothing guy, just like me, can stay with me!”
Finally, I said, “Don’t say things out of anger… Americans don’t even celebrate the Lunar New Year. Why would you go there?”
“Then what should I do?”
I thought for a moment and asked, “Has Cao Jinfei contacted you?”
“Just because he contacts me, does that mean I have to respond?”
I earnestly advised, “Leyao, this really isn’t good. When there’s conflict between two people, never hastily shut the door to communication. Perhaps there’s some misunderstanding?… You should at least hear what Cao Jinfei has to say!”
“What else can he say besides sweet-talking me like a fool?”
“But this issue needs a resolution eventually, right? Unless you two divorce. Are you really ready to call it quits?”
This time, Leyao remained silent for a long while before finally responding dejectedly, “We’ve already gotten married. Why bother getting a divorce now!”
“Exactly. No matter how you choose in marriage, it might seem like a mistake. A lasting marriage is about making do with errors, forgiving and accepting things until they pass. Besides, you haven’t even clarified the truth yet, right?… So when Cao Jinfei contacts you again, don’t refuse to communicate!”
Leyao replied indifferently, “Okay… So your marriage to Mi Cai is also a case of making do with mistakes?… Great, then men can proudly cheat and play around with women, all under the excuse of making do with errors!”
Under Leyao’s half-sarcastic, half-rebuking words, I felt momentarily at a loss… Once again, I felt the chaos of life, and how difficult it is to be truly skillful in living, because there are always various issues, like insurmountable obstacles, troubling us!… Just like me and Mi Cai, we still haven’t managed to deal with Yan Zhuomei, a woman hard to persuade. Perhaps only heaven knows what form she will take next when she appears before me and Mi Cai, opposing everything we are currently building!
Tai Sui Yellow Amulet Paper FuLu Taoist Love Talisman Traditional Chinese Spiritual Charm Attracting Love Protecting Marriage