Yanyan left the milk tea that Qin Yan had given her and threw the bouquet of flowers to me. Both Mi Cai and I were perceptive people. We saw a signal in Yanyan’s behavior, indicating that when Qin Yan really came back to Suzhou in three days, Yanyan would very likely invite him to have a meal alone, or even name the milk tea that had not yet been tasted.
The night was deep. Taxis moved skillfully through the city, fragmented by elevated highways, like programmed machines. We vaguely heard the clock tower behind us strike ten. I turned to Mi Cai, who was holding the bouquet beside me, and asked, “Do you believe that Yanyan must have parked her car somewhere at this moment, drinking the milk tea given to her by Qin Yan?”
“Of course! Didn’t Qin Yan say that only before ten o’clock could one taste the original flavor of the milk tea? As a very professional barista, he should be able to calculate accurately.”
I nodded. Since Yanyan had chosen to take the milk tea, she would definitely finish it before ten o’clock. I just wondered what mood she would be in when she drank it and whether she would actually feel warmth and happiness. I hoped so, and I hoped Qin Yan would really have the opportunity to mend the wounds deep inside her heart. As for the future, whether Qin Yan’s family would accept her as a divorced woman, I didn’t want to think about it anymore, because I hated how people complicated love, something that should be simple.
Moreover, I had confidence in Yanyan. Even though she was a divorced woman, not everyone had the courage to reject her. She was a model of an excellent woman, but Fangyuan didn’t cherish her. I really didn’t know whether Fangyuan would regret and realize his twisted soul when Yanyan married another man and had children.
The car continued along its programmed route, stopping and starting with the traffic lights. The coldness of the late night seemed to lock the crisscrossing neon lights inside the car, casting a kaleidoscope of colors onto my and Mi Cai’s clothes. In this kaleidoscope, we gradually grew tired. She held my arm and leaned into me. I hugged her shoulders and looked coldly at the city deepened by the night. I wondered, if the city had a soul, how would it look down upon us, so small? Would it mock us for building our youth here, only to have it vanish into the absurdity of time?
…
Back at our place, exhausted, we simply washed up and went to bed. Soon I lost consciousness and fell asleep… I began to dream again. In my dream, I saw Jing Sisi and Xia Fanye tonight, and they were perfectly together. Then I dreamed of Qin Yan and Yanyan, who were also married. Yanyan had become Qin Yan’s virtuous wife, managing his family business efficiently. She got pregnant the same year they married and gave birth to a girl for Qin Yan…
The space in my dream became wider and wider, spanning more and more time. Everyone who had called me a friend appeared one by one in my dream. I transformed into an engineer, laying bricks and tiles for their lives. I was so busy that I even felt tired in my sleep, so much so that I forgot my own future. Therefore, I didn’t dream of Mi Cai or Jian Wei, not even Leyao. I only saw a woman wearing a transparent raincoat walking around the fountain in the square, over and over again, and I followed her back from behind, again and again… Finally, I woke up exhausted! I heard the wind blowing the rain onto the window, like breathing…
I wanted to drink some water, so I knelt halfway on the bed and turned on the bedside lamp. Unexpectedly, I found that Mi Cai was still awake. I yawned and asked, “Why haven’t you slept yet?”
“Insomnia!”
It was the first time I had heard the word “insomnia” from Mi Cai. The one who always maintained a good mindset also experienced insomnia. I forgot to pour a glass of water and just looked at her face, as if trying to find the reason for her insomnia in her expression.
“Why are you kneeling there looking at me?”
I finally came to my senses again, feeling dry and thirsty, so I got out of bed and said to her, “I’ll go get a glass of water first and then chat with you.”
…
I sat on the sofa, drinking water while thinking. I thought that the reason for Mi Cai’s insomnia was because her mother Yan Zhuomei was returning tomorrow, and she wasn’t ready to face her. Thinking of Yan Zhuomei, my mood quickly sank. Instinctively, I took a cigarette from the ashtray on the coffee table, lit it, and as the ash fell to the ground, the light made me feel dizzy… In this dizziness, I desperately tried to pursue simplicity! In this simplicity, Yan Zhuomei wouldn’t trouble us, the wedding would proceed as planned, the coffee shop would operate smoothly, and we would soon establish ourselves in Xuzhou…
The glass of water was soon finished, and the cigarette was reduced to just a butt in the ashtray. Finally, I went to the bathroom to rinse my mouth… Returning to the bedroom again, I leaned against the pillow and asked Mi Cai, who clearly had no intention of sleeping, “What’s troubling you so much that you can’t sleep?”
“Are you really going to listen?”
“Of course. I want to hear all your troubles. I’m just afraid you’ll keep them hidden inside and not tell me.”
Mi Cai was silent for a moment before saying, “Yan Zhuomei never does anything without preparation. My staying in the country to get married has already crossed her bottom line. She might dig up everything you’ve done in the past and every emotional experience you’ve had, leaving me speechless… I hate facing these things!”
A feeling of suffocation immediately overwhelmed me, making me feel short of breath. I also hated my past mistakes and disliked having those errors repeatedly dissected and salted… So, I remained silent, repeating my silence!
Finally, I said to Mi Cai, “I know I don’t deserve you, but… we’ve been together for so long, I’ve already become unable to leave you!”
“Don’t say that. I’ve long forgiven your past…”
“I understand what you mean and I can grasp your hatred because all that past feels to me like wounds that haven’t healed, being brutally torn open and salted… I really want you to know, this butterfly whose wings have been torn off still wants to flutter around your flower…”
Mi Cai looked at me for a long time before asking, “Tell me, are those wings still with Jian Wei?”
“Let’s not talk about Jian Wei anymore, okay?… You heard her today, didn’t you? She’ll disappear from our sight soon enough!”
“I heard. I can only say she’s a self-disciplined woman… But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you anymore or that you don’t care about her… I have a strong premonition that she is a time bomb buried between us…”
I interrupted her, “Don’t let the night make you think so much nonsense, okay?… She’s leaving, she’s leaving, really leaving!… Let’s not keep going back and forth on this issue, I hate this back and forth…!”
“Why are you so agitated?… What signal is your subconscious sending me?”
I argued, “My agitation is because I don’t want to be misunderstood, not because she’s leaving…!”
“Last night, when she mentioned her immigration to another country, I clearly saw your expression of disappointment, and after she got out of the car, the way you looked at her forcefully… Zhaoyang, these micro-expressions and body languages can’t fool anyone… I’m not afraid that she still loves you, what I fear most is that you still love her but are deceiving yourself by refusing to admit it… That would make me feel like a criminal, as if my appearance had ruined everything between you!”
I gasped, my mind alternating between hot and cold… After a long time, I said, “I’d rather know what signal you’re sending me now by saying all this?… We were clearly fine when we came back, so why did Jian Wei saying she’s immigrating abroad become the spark for our argument?… I really can’t understand this?… Or, do you think I don’t love you?… But would I, Zhaoyang, be a man willing to marry a woman I don’t love?”
“The calmness of the night makes one think of details previously unnoticed…!”
“You’re thinking now… Then tell me, what do you want to do?…” I asked, my voice trembling. I never dreamed that on the last night before facing Yan Zhuomei, we would have such an argument… This wasn’t a normal lovers’ quarrel; it was a quarrel that could crack our relationship! It made me feel palpitations, suffocation, and helplessness one after another!
Mi Cai finally replied, “I don’t know what I want to do, nor do I know who else I can rely on for the rest of my life…”
“If you’ve already chosen me, why think so much unnecessarily?”
“Isn’t that a woman’s nature?… We fear not getting a sense of security from the man we love, and I’m no exception… Stripping everything away, I’m just a sensitive and somewhat neurotic woman. I wish so much that there were no Jian Wei, no Leyao… and none of those women who tempt you around us!”
I smiled helplessly, choked by my laughter: “Why, why do we have so much suspicion between us… Why, after going through so much together, can’t we erase those stains in life, but instead seem like a crumpled piece of waste paper?… Are we destined to spend our lives sleeping side by side but dreaming separately, looking out the window at others’ happiness while we continue to suspect each other, turning life into a war?”
Mi Cai was silent…
I choked again and said, “I’m just an idiot. I don’t have the talent of Xia Fanye and Luo Ben, nor the strategic mind of Fangyuan and Xiangchen. I don’t have the illustrious family background of Weiran and Cao Jinfie… All I can do in my life is live in my own spiritual world, indulging and chasing after things that don’t belong to me… including you!… I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve you… I can only listen to outside comments silently, grinding them up and swallowing them… Perhaps our meeting was the beginning of a mistake, how could I possibly deserve to possess you? Why?”
Mi Cai looked at me with tears in her eyes. Finally, she couldn’t hold back anymore. She cried out loud, tightly hugging me, sobbing, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Zhaoyang. This is my fault… I shouldn’t have suspected you so much!… You treat me so well, really well, that’s enough… I love you!… I was being unreasonable today! Don’t doubt yourself because of my wrong suspicions… In my eyes, you’re the best! Others’ words are just rumors, you must… must not take them to heart!”
I looked at her, hugged her again, and we cried together, examined ourselves together, and waited for dawn together… For this relationship, we had truly given so much, neither of us wanted to lose it so easily… But whether this extreme concern was actually a burden for us, I couldn’t figure it out even when dawn finally came.
It was still raining outside, but the sky had already begun to brighten. Neither Mi Cai nor I fell asleep again. We just lay in bed hugging each other, seeking limited comfort in this extremely limited space.
Finally, I said to her, “Do you feel like eating something? I can go buy it and cook for you.”
“Would you mind making me preserved egg and lean meat congee?”
“Okay, you sleep a little longer. I’ll go to the supermarket to buy preserved eggs and shredded meat…”
“I’ll get up with you.” Mi Cai said, already getting dressed before me.
…
In the bathroom, Mi Cai turned on the water heater and helped me wash my hair. She washed it gently and carefully. After washing, she used the hair dryer to dry it little by little, then applied hair wax to style it into the most suitable hairstyle for me, making me look energetic…
This morning, after we had taken care of our personal hygiene, I went to the supermarket while she stayed home cleaning. The time for us to meet Yan Zhuomei was drawing closer… At this moment, we were just waiting for a phone call to notify us. This notification might come after we had breakfast, or maybe in the afternoon…
After buying the ingredients for the preserved egg and lean meat congee, I put on an apron and busied myself in the kitchen. After controlling the heat properly, I absentmindedly looked out the window at the raindrops splashing one after another on the windowsill… My emotions had not yet recovered from the argument last night. I seriously asked myself… Would Mi Cai and I really grow old together as we had imagined?
I seemed to have less confidence? Because the difference in social classes would be an inescapable shadow between us. So every time we argued, I felt so insecure and so afraid, afraid of losing her, afraid that she would think that choosing to spend her life with me was a foolish decision… After repeated feelings like this, I really felt tired!
And I had experienced these feelings with Jian Wei before… I was lost in thought, wondering if one day Mi Cai also said the word “breakup” to me, would I respond to her as I had once responded to Jian Wei, giving her an answer that was completely free of burden?
I dared not think further… Because I couldn’t even imagine living a life without her. I would be very dull, very boring, full of longing, and hard to endure…
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