I couldn’t refuse Jian Wei’s request, so I sat on the guardrail too, gazing together at the river she described as having mysterious passages underneath. We listened to the wind blowing over the flowing water, and everything seemed to be fast-forwarding. In just a blink, in an instant, the seasons had changed—we had passed through spring, autumn, and summer, and mistakenly fallen into the cold currents of winter.
“Do you want to smoke?”
I looked at Jian Wei. This was the first thing she had said to me since I sat on the guardrail. I swallowed hard, because a bitter, sour feeling had risen in my nose. I nodded at her. She began rummaging through her handbag, but instead of finding a lighter or cigarettes, she accidentally dropped a lipstick into the flowing river, where it caused ripples on the surface…
“My lipstick!” Jian Wei’s lips trembled, and she stared blankly at the river surface as if her soul had been lost.
“It’s just a lipstick. Why do you have to care so much?”
Jian Wei looked at me, then shifted her gaze to her handbag again. Finally, she found a lighter and a pack of already opened Zhongnanhai cigarettes. She pulled out a cigarette and handed it to me. I took it from her, and she lit it for me. The familiar mixed cigarette scent spread around us, and the smoke twisted into various shapes under the light.
I took a deep inhale again, instinctively looking up at the black opal-like sky. The stars were twinkling as if trying to please us, their light flickering into my vision. Actually, this night had its own beauty, but our moods had shattered everything in this world… At least for Jian Wei, it was like this. Her eyes were still glistening with tears, still staring at the spot where the lipstick had fallen into the river. The ripples had already been erased by a gust of wind, blending into waves that continued to stretch toward the distance…
The cigarette in my hand was almost burned down to the butt, but time seemed to have frozen. I couldn’t feel it moving forward. Finally, I said to Jian Wei, “Do you see those stars thousands of light-years away from us?”
Jian Wei finally shifted her attention away from the river. She looked up with me at the starry sky covered by the night, but didn’t answer. After all, it wasn’t something difficult or luxurious—just by looking up, you could see those relatively eternal stars.
I asked her again, “Compared to them, who is smaller—those stars or us sitting here?”
“We… compared to them, we are just two specks of dust fallen into the human world.”
I gently put my arm around her shoulder and asked softly, “Then how big can our pain really be? Even at its worst, it’s no bigger than two specks of dust! Right?”
Jian Wei nodded… After a long pause, she replied, “Our pain comes from overestimating ourselves and the people around us. But… pain itself is just an illusion. Decades later, when we no longer exist in this world, there will be no evidence that these pains once pierced us completely. So our pain is really boring… and our suffering is very childish!”
“Yeah, why not take everything more lightly? Whether you live well or badly, in the end, we all walk the same path to death—just a matter of time.”
“… Are you teaching me to be free of distractions and empty everything?”
“No, I just hope you can take today’s pain lightly, remember all the happiness we’ve experienced since coming into this world. We do things in happiness, feel happiness while doing things, and then grow and age through the changing seasons. Isn’t that good enough?”
Jian Wei finally smiled slightly and asked, “What was the happiest thing in your life?”
I thought again of the past. In this world, what could be happier than knowing the person you secretly loved also secretly loved you? Yes, that was exactly how Jian Wei and I had started. She always intentionally or unintentionally paid attention to my band, and I would ask her friends about her whereabouts, following every club activity she participated in. Until we finally confessed our feelings to each other, we realized there was something in this world that could bring such happiness… That year, what I remembered most clearly was the rape blossoms blooming especially vibrantly. During a group outing organized by the club, in a field where it was just the two of us, we talked a lot and did a lot. I was so excited that even when I grabbed her hand, my hands were trembling!
But now, could I still talk about those days?
No! Because it was too distant, because I no longer expected that kind of life filled with pursuit and discovery. So I smiled too, and asked Jian Wei in return, “What about you? What made you happiest?”
“Haha, I thought the happiest moment for you was when Mi Cai agreed to be your girlfriend, but apparently not. Maybe love and women aren’t the most important things in your life!”
“It was happy too, but now we’re together, so that happiness feels very pale. People always realize how happy and fortunate they were only after they’ve lost something!” I paused and urged again, “I’ve finished speaking, but you haven’t told me what made you happiest yet… Don’t think about cheating. We’ve always been fair with each other.”
Jian Wei lowered her head and looked at the river again. After a long time, she said, “What made me happiest was also in the past… Back then, going shopping, buying things, chatting, and doing activities with my female friends in college were all very good memories, completely carefree…”
I nodded and said, “Yeah, next time when you’re in pain, remember to think more about those things that once made you happy. Sometimes, beautiful memories can also be a kind of strength!”
“I know… Thank you for coming today and saying all this to me… I hope coming to Suzhou doesn’t bring you trouble!”
“Isn’t that what friends are for—to comfort each other in times of hardship… Even if there are some troubles, I won’t regret coming to Suzhou tonight… I also hope you take good care of yourself. I have to go back now. Tomorrow there’s a pile of things waiting for me at the newly opened coffee shop!”
Jian Wei lowered her head and replied, “Okay, be careful on your way.”
“I will… You should go back and rest early too. I heard tomorrow will be a nice day!”
But suddenly, Jian Wei grabbed my arm: “I’ll send you to the train station.”
I smiled and replied, “You’ve had so much alcohol, I dare not let you send me…”
“Let’s take a taxi together… I also hope you can accompany me to buy a lipstick. Mine fell into the water earlier.”
Looking at her, she obviously hadn’t made herself up today, her skin not as radiant as before. Now she was willing to care about a lipstick, which proved she had the intention to dress herself up again. This was much better than staying immersed in pain, so I naturally agreed to her request. Moreover, I still had some time to accompany her to buy a lipstick, which also counted as fulfilling a friend’s responsibility. Because besides comfort, shopping was also an essential part of the process. Although it was already late at night, buying a lipstick wasn’t difficult, because large shopping malls had extended their business hours as the New Year approached.
…
Sitting in the taxi with Jian Wei, the lights from all directions accompanied us as we drove through this sleepless city. Moments later, we arrived at the city center, standing shoulder to shoulder on the street between Baoli Department Store and Zhuomei Shopping. I didn’t know what my mood was. Jian Wei seemed to understand the emotional impact these two malls had on me, patiently waiting for me to make a choice.
In the city, the stars had already been replaced by various neon lights. Surrounded by lights, I imagined myself as a speck of dust and finally signaled Jian Wei to go to Baoli Department Store… Because Zhuomei had too many acquaintances of Mi Cai, I wasn’t sure whether these acquaintances would spread the news of my shopping with Jian Wei to Mi Cai’s ears. Therefore, Baoli Department Store was truly safer, and I wouldn’t stay too long, so it should be safe.
Baoli Department Store was still one of the most popular malls in the city. Even at midnight, there were still many customers coming and going. Jian Wei and I stopped at a cosmetics counter. Following the salesperson’s recommendation, she chose a moisturizing lipstick. I paid for it as a gift for visiting her in Suzhou. After the salesperson wrapped it up, we truly faced the moment of parting.
…
Outside the mall, we stood face to face. I handed her the box with the lipstick and said, “Let’s part here… Don’t be too sad when you go back. If you have something on your mind, talk more with Yanyan, okay?”
“I will.”
Her reply finally reassured me a bit. I nodded and prepared to turn away, but unexpectedly, Fangyuan and Milian, along with several major shareholders of Baoli Department Store, walked out from the mall. We met face to face like this. I was shocked and instinctively felt repulsion, but we were so close that there was no way to avoid it… It seemed like another encounter deliberately arranged by fate.
My expression turned grim. Fangyuan was silent for a long time before looking at Baoli Department Store behind him and saying, “Zhuomei plans to acquire part of Baoli Department Store’s shares. Milian and I came here for a cooperation meeting, which had just ended… It’s really a coincidence to meet you and Jian Wei here! Didn’t you already return to Xuzhou?”
I was stunned, a wave of disgust rising in my heart toward Fangyuan, but I was even more worried that Milian would tell Mi Cai about my being with Jian Wei. Then I would be unable to explain myself!
Jian Wei, expressionless, said to Fangyuan, “Yanyan had some adverse reactions after surgery. He came to see her. Any problem?”
Milian looked at Jian Wei and me suspiciously and said, “He came to see this woman Yanyan, yet ended up with you. Shouldn’t he be in the hospital?”
Jian Wei’s expression showed again the urge to slap Milian, but to avoid causing me trouble, she patiently explained, “Yanyan has already gone home after the check-up. Jian Wei and Zhaoyang came out to buy some recovery supplies for her…” Then she turned to Fangyuan and said, “Fangyuan, do you still have the face to let this fox spirit ask more? If she dares to say another word, I swear I’ll slap her!”
Milian, not backing down, replied to Jian Wei, “I also remind you to know your current status. Do you still think you’re that rich girl from before?… Just pray your parents get a lighter sentence. Corrupt officials!”
“You…” Jian Wei trembled as she looked at Milian, struggling hard to prevent her tears from falling.
I finally couldn’t bear it anymore and said to Fangyuan, “Fangyuan, you should make your wife keep her mouth shut. Fortune changes, accumulate some virtue through your mouth, so that others won’t take advantage of your misfortune later!”
Fangyuan seemed to have no intention of arguing with us. He didn’t respond, pulling Milian along while calming her down, not letting her get angry, and heading toward the parking lot. As soon as they were out of sight, Jian Wei’s tears, which she had been holding back, finally fell. Milian’s words full of attack had pierced her most fragile spot. This was Milian’s revenge. Jian Wei had slapped her twice before, but those two slaps couldn’t stop her from being with Fangyuan. Everything happened beyond our awareness and helplessness!
Jian Wei’s tears made my heart ache terribly. Yet she stubbornly wiped them away and forced a smile, saying, “The more others look down on me and ridicule me, the more determined I am to prove myself. Zhaoyang, you can leave with peace of mind. I will live well… When you return to Xuzhou, if Mi Cai finds out you came to see me, just say you were visiting Yanyan. I’ll ask Yanyan to back up this story. Also, no matter what happens in the future, don’t come to see me behind Mi Cai’s back again… I know you consider me a friend, but I hope you can live a good life… Thank you!”
Looking at her thin figure under the lights, I felt a wave of reluctance and heartache. I really didn’t want to leave like this, but I had to. I forced back the tears that were about to flow, smiled, clenched my fist, and said to her, “Keep going, I believe you can definitely rise again, because you are the strongest, most independent, and bravest woman I’ve ever seen!”
“Okay, keep going…”
I nodded, but couldn’t look back anymore. I walked toward the taxi waiting not far away. When I closed the door and the car started, I looked back and saw her gazing at my departing figure. Finally, I couldn’t hold back anymore. Just closing my eyes, tears streamed down my neck into my collar. I was in so much pain, so much pain, because of my helplessness!
Her figure finally disappeared from my sight, but the scenes of the past became clearer and clearer. Her hardship deeply stirred the hidden feelings I had for her, yet I couldn’t find the words to express them…
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