I had a very light sleep that night, and my weary soul kept struggling in gray-toned dreams until the morning sunlight shone through the window onto my face, when I finally woke up exhausted.
I sat motionless on the bed for a long time. Suddenly, I remembered that I no longer needed to go to the office today, so I lay back down again, neither wanting to get up nor willing to fall asleep once more.
It was nearly noon when I finally got out of bed. After a quick wash-up, I immediately logged onto 58.com and posted an advertisement for renting out my apartment. My current plan was to sublet this place first, repay the money I owed to Mi Cai, and then leave Suzhou.
After posting the rental listing, I went downstairs to a small restaurant and had a bowl of noodles, which counted as both my breakfast and lunch. Then my life sank into dullness.
I sat in my closed room for a long time, finally unable to endure it anymore. I grabbed my guitar and left the house, which felt like a prison. I came once again to the riverside of the city moat. I wanted to sing a few songs for myself, facing the blue sky, white clouds, and clear water, to comfort my weary soul, and then quietly wait for dusk.
I sang one song after another, making myself feel sad at times, and elated at others. Finally, I placed the guitar aside, lay flat on the grass, and once again stared blankly at the sky where clouds drifted by, under the angled rays of sunlight.
Naively, I thought that the city in the sky would be hidden behind those white clouds, so I gazed and waited. However, even as the sunlight softened and the evening breeze began to blow, I still couldn’t see that crystal-clear city. I felt even more disappointed. This disappointment included the weight of reality and the collapse of my fantasies, which made the pain even worse.
It was a while before I finally sat up from the grass. Habitually, I lit a cigarette and then sat quietly in the twilight—not waiting for dawn this time, because in this city, I no longer had any dawn to expect.
The wind grew colder as the sun set, making me more alert. I couldn’t help but recall everything that had happened in this city. All these memories were like a sharp blade, cutting countless deep and shallow wounds into my body, while I could only helplessly watch the wounds drip blood. Now, as the blood was nearly drained, I had no choice but to escape from this city to another city where there might be no love, but there was family. Perhaps with the warmth of family, those wounds would slowly heal.
My phone, which had been silent all day, finally rang again. I knew it was Leyao calling, because we had made plans to meet tonight at Alin Restaurant to eat bamboo-tube chicken.
When I answered, Leyao sounded relieved as she said, “I just finished filming today. Zhao Yang, where should we meet?”
“Just come directly to Alin Restaurant.”
But Leyao thought for a moment and said, “I’ll come to where you live, and then we can go together.”
“Why go through the trouble? Just come directly. Besides, I no longer live in my old place.”
Her voice showed some surprise, “When did you move out?”
“Just a few days ago.” After a moment of silence, I finally gritted my teeth and told Leyao, “There’s something I need to tell you… I resigned yesterday, and I’ll be heading back to Xuzhou in a few days.”
Leyao didn’t respond at first. After a long pause, she asked with obvious agitation, “Why did you resign? You told me last time that you might even get promoted!”
I apologized and said, “It’s my personal issue. Let’s talk about it in person.”
Leyao clearly felt down, and after another long silence, she said, “Okay, then let’s just meet directly at Alin Restaurant.”
I agreed, hung up the phone with Leyao, and looked again at the river already covered in shadows. Then I picked up the guitar case and walked toward the riverside.
…
When I arrived at Alin Restaurant by taxi, Leyao had already arrived ahead of me, waiting at the entrance.
The autumn wind blew down the street with a howl in the evening. Leyao had her hands in her coat pockets, and the white scarf around her neck fluttered in the wind, making her appear even more frail. This helpless frailty stirred a deep sense of guilt in my heart.
I walked quietly up to Leyao. She looked at me with a complex expression in her eyes. I knew she was upset about my sudden resignation. I clearly remembered that the last time we met, we had promised to work hard together to become masters of life. But instead, I had regressed, becoming a servant of life.
I didn’t want the atmosphere to be too heavy, so I forced a smile and said, “Let’s go inside and eat.”
“Can I say I’m already full of anger?” Leyao said to me with a stern face.
Her words made me feel gloomy, but I still smiled, pulling her toward the restaurant as I said, “Even if you’re angry, don’t ruin your reputation as a foodie! Besides, would you really enjoy watching me eat alone like a smug fool? That wouldn’t be worth it at all… So don’t punish yourself because of my mistake, right?”
As I spoke, I had already dragged Leyao into the restaurant, but her mood remained low. Feeling a bit depressed, I took the menu from the waiter and ordered the dishes by myself.
Soon, the dishes were served. I poured myself a glass of baijiu, while Leyao didn’t keep her promise to drink some with me. Instead, she only asked for a cup of hot water, not even ordering any juice or other drinks.
I raised the small glass and drank it all at once, savoring the strong flavor of the baijiu. Leyao, however, remained silent, making me feel even more uneasy.
I picked a piece of chicken from the bamboo tube and placed it in Leyao’s bowl, smiling as I said, “Try it and see if the chef has improved his skills.”
“I told you I’m full of anger!” Leyao angrily took the chicken from her bowl and threw it back into mine.
“But you can’t just drink plain water either. If you drink too much, your pretty face will definitely swell tomorrow, and that’ll affect your filming.”
Leyao ignored my joke and asked me seriously with a heavy expression, “Tell me, why did you resign?”
I poured myself another glass of baijiu, drank it in one go, felt the high-proof liquor churning in my stomach, and after a long hesitation, I told Leyao, “Life is full of choices, and this is a cruel choice for me. I don’t want to do it, but I have no choice. Please don’t dig deeper. I’m not doing well after resigning either…” Then I changed my expression and smiled again, saying, “I’ll be leaving Suzhou soon, and we’ll have fewer chances to meet in the future. So let’s not make the atmosphere so heavy. Let’s eat and drink happily, okay?”
Leyao looked at me, her expression gradually softening as she said helplessly, “Zhao Yang, you remind me of a song by Shao Yibei called ‘Mr. Negation’.”
“Who is Shao Yibei?”
“Don’t pretend. Don’t you remember we went with Rob to the music festival in Shenzhen to see her concert not long ago? Have you forgotten already?”
I grinned shamelessly and said, “I just like pretending!”
“You jerk!” Leyao scolded me with a mix of laughter and tears. Then she took the piece of chicken I had originally placed in her bowl and finally started eating.
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