The beams from the headlights turned the road signs ahead into bright spots in the night, embellishing the darkness, but in a blink, they became the scenery behind me. In this alternation between front and rear, I couldn’t sense how long this 60-kilometer road really was. My heart had already been burnt to charcoal in an uncontrollable anxiety, longing to follow the car lights and arrive at my destination in an instant. Yet, I feared that the destination might be a scene capable of destroying me completely…
What exactly lies behind human nature? Must success be built upon trampling others? … Is the counterpart of my descent into hell alongside Mi Cai the ascent of Fangyuan and his group of ulterior motives into heaven?
Hundreds of meters away, I finally saw an SUV parked in the emergency lane. The flashing lights at its rear seemed, to me, like a call—an invitation to return to reality, assuring me that she was safe, and that reality had not yet become so cruel as to force me to abandon this world…
My speed slowed more and more until I finally stopped behind that red Q7, turned on my hazard lights, but I still lacked the courage to step out of the car. I just watched her standing by the highway guardrail. Her scarf, hanging at her chest, fluttered with her hair in the cold wind—moving, then still, then moving again. She didn’t seem to notice my arrival. Her hands remained in her pockets, still, gazing at the endless distance wrapped in darkness… Her profile radiated calmness and weary sadness.
Eventually, I had to face her. I opened the car door and softly walked to her side. Thousands of words were stuck in my heart, and I didn’t know how to begin. I knew she was in pain. Sometimes, when pain reaches a certain level, it no longer needs tears for release. One simply wants to stand alone, feeling the distance between survival and death. The longer you stand, the less distinct the boundary between life and death becomes… Life or death becomes merely a matter of a single thought. I had experienced this feeling before. When the heart dies, the body’s death no longer matters!
I kept my head down. I really wanted to say something…
She didn’t look at me but finally spoke, “Zhaoyang, did you hear the song from the car?”
Only then did I notice the faint music coming from her car, nearly drowned out by the howling wind. Perhaps only she, in her stillness, could hear it clearly…
I caught some of the melody and said, “It’s ‘Thousands of Songs’ by Priscilla Chan!”
“Yes, people born in the sixties and seventies all like this song…”
I didn’t know why she brought this up. She wasn’t as heartbroken as I had imagined. I also didn’t know what this song, continuously playing from her car, symbolized or represented at this moment.
“Zhaoyang, go into the car and turn up the volume. You’re here now, and I can barely hear it…”
I opened the car door and turned up the volume… But driven by extreme concern, I still said to her, “Let’s go. Let’s return to Suzhou. It’s too unsafe to park here!”
Mi Cai finally looked at me and said, “Yes, it’s unsafe here. Every time I pass this place, I don’t dare to look at it for long… But tonight, this is the safest place… Dad left here. Standing here should bring me closest to his current world, right?”
Her words pierced me. I dared not look at her face, taking escape as the only redemption under helplessness.
“Zhaoyang, give me a cigarette…”
I didn’t know what she intended to do, but I still handed her a cigarette.
“Light it for me…” Mi Cai placed the cigarette between her fingers and put it into her mouth, but it looked so awkward. Her delicate appearance couldn’t match the ruggedness of tobacco!
Mi Cai had always known which pocket I kept my lighter in. She easily took it out, lit the cigarette herself, then leaned against the guardrail and sat on the ground, absorbed in listening to the song.
She didn’t know how to smoke. She just held the cigarette between her fingers. She didn’t blame me or mention anything related to tonight, but her demeanor had pierced my heart. I wished she would tear at me, curse me as a fool!!… I indeed was a fool! I couldn’t distinguish truth from falsehood, couldn’t tell good from evil in human nature. It was I who pushed Mi Cai into the abyss.
When the cigarette nearly burned to her fingertips, she finally put it to her lips and inhaled. But she couldn’t skillfully let the smoke, representing illusion, pass through her mouth, so she coughed violently, and tears streamed down.
I took the cigarette butt from her hand, extinguished it, threw it below the guardrail, and looked at her. I couldn’t cry, nor could I apologize, because my mistake was too grave, too great to even dare to ask for her forgiveness.
But she didn’t seem to hate me. She was still trying to communicate with me. She told me that when Mi Zhongxin was alive and exhausted from work, he always liked to smoke while listening to this song, “Thousands of Songs,” which was popular in the early 1990s. That’s why she wanted to imitate Mi Zhongxin’s manner.
I painfully hugged my head. I dared not hear her speak of the past, of anything related to Mi Zhongxin. The more she spoke, the more painful it was for her, and the more guilt she felt for failing to fulfill Mi Zhongxin’s trust.
“Zhaoyang, do you understand the lyrics of this song?”
Of course I knew. This song, remembered by an entire era, expressed only beauty and sorrow before parting. I was so terrified I nearly collapsed, tightly hugging her and sobbing, “I was wrong… I was really wrong… I beg you, don’t punish me by leaving. Give me a chance for redemption…”
Mi Cai shook her head.
“If you must leave… I’ll die right in front of you. After all, it’s a permanent separation; I don’t care about the method!!” I rambled on. I couldn’t bear the pain reality had inflicted upon me. I didn’t know how I could continue living after she left, carrying this guilt and unbearable suffering… On the way here, I had already made up my mind—I wasn’t afraid of dying, only terrified of her saying goodbye with hatred in her heart.
In her silence, I grew more anxious… Finally unable to endure, I grabbed her arm, crying out, “…I know I’m a useless man, unworthy of you, and I’ve hurt you… But I truly didn’t intend for things to end up like this… Don’t leave me. I still have my hands, my limbs intact. No matter what I do—even if I have to do manual labor—I will support you, never letting you suffer again… Please don’t leave me, okay?… I beg you, please!”
I cried, and Mi Cai finally cried too… We had been together for so long, and we did have feelings for each other. She would also be reluctant to part with me, this useless man. But in the face of such a dramatic upheaval, what could such feelings really stop?
If Mi Cai still harbored resentment toward Zhuo Mei, she would definitely shake off me, the burden, and fight with Mi Zhongde and his daughter Mi Lan for control of Zhuo Mei… This place wouldn’t be the end of her journey with Zhuo Mei, but rather the beginning after a painful reflection.
Mi Cai wiped my tears with the back of her hand, sobbing, “Zhaoyang, don’t cry, and don’t talk about death… We both must live well!”
I was torn apart. It felt like a farewell message…
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