Jian Wei was still waiting for my reply, and my psychological defenses regarding this matter gradually collapsed, only to be constantly rebuilt, because I couldn’t bring myself to do this behind Mi Cai’s back, nor dared to accept the final material safeguard Jian Wei entrusted to me so recklessly.
After a very, very long time, I finally asked her, “How much do you actually know about the inside details of your mother’s work?”
Jian Wei looked bewildered, and replied in that confusion, “I don’t know anything. I’ve never asked about any of her work, let alone been involved… In fact, she often intervenes in the operations of my advertising company, supervising its financial status… All of this was for my protection, so I have confidence in facing any investigation. But political matters are unpredictable, and no one can guarantee that my company or personal assets won’t be implicated!”
Jian Wei was in pain, and this pain stemmed not only from worries about herself but more so from concerns for her parents. At this moment, standing before me, she was on the verge of breaking down. Yet no one could control their own destiny in the face of the state machinery. All Jian Wei could do was pray that her mother was a misunderstood official. If there was indeed solid evidence of guilt, she needed to leave herself a way out… Actually, she was indeed a very strong-willed woman. For an ordinary person facing such a crisis, their mental world would have already completely collapsed. How could they possibly still have the composure to plan a way out for themselves?
I couldn’t make a decision immediately. With a heavy mood, I lit a cigarette for myself, and the car was soon filled with smoke. I felt relaxed, but Jian Wei became even more nervous. Tobacco was bound to bring us completely different feelings.
Jian Wei was already on the brink of despair when she spoke again: “Zhao Yang, this won’t implicate you, because the property ownership was legally transferred. In the process, we just need to circulate the funds properly once, and it’s very easy to operate… Will you help me with this favor?”
I finished my cigarette and extinguished the butt in the car’s ashtray, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her again. Finally, I said to her, “Jian Wei, listen to me. I don’t know why you trust me so much, but we should have ended things between us long ago. I really can’t bear this kind of trust… If you really consider these two properties as your last resort, I suggest you entrust them to Xiang Chen, or Yan Yan would also be fine… In terms of both sentiment and reason, I’m not the best choice. Don’t forget that my Luku was also entirely your investment. We have close financial dealings!”
“Zhao Yang… you…” Tears filled Jian Wei’s eyes as she stared at me.
Although my heart was in agony, my response to her could only be indifference… After a moment, I finally said, “Don’t be like a bird that flees at the mere sound of a bowstring. No matter what happens to your parents, as long as your company operates legally and pays taxes according to law, your personal property should be protected by the state, right?”
Jian Wei seemed to shatter in an instant… This kind of shattering made it impossible for me to stay with her for even a second longer, so I said, “Every time we meet in secret, it makes me feel intense guilt. I really can’t keep doing things behind Mi Cai’s back that disrespect love and trust… Please understand me, okay?”
Jian Wei slumped lifelessly against the car seat, closed her eyes, and let me leave… I lowered my head, wanting to light another cigarette inside the car!
But even if I smoked another cigarette, what could it change? I gritted my teeth, forcing myself not to look at her again. I opened the car door, walked against the cold wind, and headed back… Thus, our recent meeting instantly became a memory, left in my mind!
However, thinking back to when she defied everything to elope with me… That pain I had felt was so real!! Making me feel like a heartless and ungrateful man… Perhaps I shouldn’t have refused her request to help secure an escape route; perhaps, even if there were possibilities, I still couldn’t accept, unless I treated the hard-earned happiness I now had as a joke, not caring whether I had it today and lost it tomorrow…
Perhaps, when I questioned the fickle nature of humanity, my own heart also harbored such fickleness! I had already changed, no longer willing to recall the past, afraid that my current happiness would turn into a nightmare and then I would awaken!
…
I walked half the way back, and took the last 313 bus for the remaining half. When I returned home, not a single lamp was lit inside—the house was dark. Mi Cai had already gone to bed. Since we started living together, she seemed to have developed a not-so-good habit: whenever I came home late, she wouldn’t leave a single lamp on for me. But because I felt guilty, I also lacked the courage to tell her to leave a lamp on for me in the future.
I went to the bathroom to wash my face, then looked at the clothes in the laundry basket that Mi Cai had gathered. Although they hadn’t been washed yet, my heart felt somewhat calmer. At least this proved that she had done something on her own after I left. She certainly hadn’t thought too much about my absence!
I didn’t go back to the bedroom immediately. Instead, I sorted through our dirty clothes, soaked them in warm water, and began washing them by hand. Counting from before we started dating, Mi Cai and I had already lived together for a long time, but this was only the second time in my life that I had washed intimate clothing for a woman. The first time was for Le Yao after her miscarriage, and this time was for Mi Cai… The first time was a reluctant compromise after helplessness, but now, it came from my desire to become a man without arrogance and prejudice, free from male chauvinism.
In fact, I really wanted to become a man who could love her in the best possible way!!
I made almost no noise as I hung up each piece of washed clothes, then stood on the balcony smoking… The sky was desolate, and with the streetlights already off, the night was dark and somewhat frightening! But that lingering sense of guilt still hadn’t fully dissipated, making it impossible for me to return calmly to the bedroom and lie down beside her.
The living room light turned on, and Mi Cai walked out from the bedroom, yawning, brushing her hair, and drinking a small glass of water before asking me, “Why are you smoking on the balcony? Why don’t you go to sleep?”
“I just finished washing clothes, and my back is sore, so I stood on the balcony to rest for a while.”
Mi Cai looked at the hanging clothes, then yawned again and said, “Go to sleep soon—it’s almost one o’clock!”
I nodded, and she returned to the bedroom. I picked up the cup and poured myself a glass of hot water. While drinking, I kept thinking about Jian Wei again, worrying about how she would survive this night. And what exactly had Xiang Chen gone to France to do? Why hadn’t he returned yet, to give her the best help when she needed him the most?
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