Looking at the plastic bag flying toward me with force, I quickly sidestepped and dodged it instantly. The bag then burst behind me, scattering noodles everywhere, while two marinated eggs continued rolling into the distance. This scene seemed to tear open the painful memories of our wretched past, making it hard for me to breathe.
I shouted at Jian Wei, “Are you out of your mind!”
My anger only fueled hers. She opened the car door, her face flushed with rage, and marched toward me, as if she wanted to grab a brick and smash me right in this alley. Fearing her temper, I turned around and ran, hoping to escape to a safer place.
“Damn it… stop right there!”
Hearing her footsteps chasing behind me, I ran even faster…
Then Jian Wei let out a sharp scream, followed by painful whimpers. My heart sank, and I immediately stopped, turning back to see her fallen on the ground, cradling her ankle in pain. In her eagerness to chase me, she had sprained her ankle.
I no longer thought about escaping. I rushed back to her side, knelt down, and gently removed her high heels and socks. Her ankle was swollen and red. Her pain was real, not feigned. Feeling heartbroken, I scolded her, “In this freezing weather, why were you running around in high heels?!”
Jian Wei closed her eyes, tears streaming down like broken beads, yet she bit her lip hard to suppress any sound. She was still as stubborn as before.
I tried to lift her into my arms, but she clawed at my face with her sharp nails. A sharp pain shot through me immediately, and I realized she had torn a large piece of my face, as if it had been ripped open.
Finally, she burst into tears, crying bitterly, “Zhaoyang… I hate you!!… And I hate myself even more… I’m really so tired. Why, after doing so much, are you drifting further and further away from me…” Her voice grew softer, almost a whisper, “I really… never loved you at all…”
Concerned about her injury, I ignored her words and even the wound on my face. I crouched down, grabbed her hands, exerted force, and carried her on my back, then walked out of the alley.
At her car, I asked for the keys, but she remained silent. I tried to reach into her pockets, but she struggled fiercely. With no choice, I carried her on my back and started walking down the street toward the hospital, which was at least three or four stops away… My heart felt like I was enduring a Long March.
The weight of more than ninety pounds pressed heavily on me. Out of shape as I was, I was already panting heavily, and the anxiety made it worse. Even though it was a cold winter night, sweat still beaded on my forehead. Yet my legs kept moving mechanically forward, wishing with all my might to reach the end of the street in one step.
She sobbed and said to me, “Zhaoyang, do you remember that night during our junior year? It was just as cold as tonight. You carried me a long, long way to the hospital.”
I didn’t need to recall; the scene naturally appeared in my mind… We were really very much like this back then… I carried her just like this, relying on sheer willpower to inch closer step by step toward that distant hospital.
Jian Wei wiped the sweat from my forehead and softly said, “That night, every footprint you left on the road made me feel so happy. But now… it’s filled with indescribable bitterness… I wish I were dead!… Because no one else will ever understand or care about what I think every day, or why I do so much… Zhaoyang, my life is ruined. There will never be perfection again!”
I swallowed hard in pain, gritted my teeth, and continued walking toward the seemingly endless lights ahead. I dared not dwell deeply on what Jian Wei had just said to me… Because after we both misread the scenery, there had truly been no more laughter or joy between us.
…
At the hospital, Jian Wei was getting an X-ray in the orthopedic department. I bought a bottle of disinfectant and was applying it to the wound on my face. My heart felt increasingly hollow. Moments later, it seemed as if this emptiness had cleansed me, and the deeply buried thoughts gradually surfaced, making the past clearer and clearer, as if I would never forget again. How many lonely nights had I desperately missed her, yet heard nothing from her… I couldn’t let go. I had given her such deep love, yet she had given me so much pain.
I was almost torn apart—half swallowed by the past, half devoured by the present. I only hated how fragile and short life was, how deeply I always loved, just like with Jian Wei, just like with Mi Cai. Now it had become an obstacle I could never overcome… I had a premonition that when Jian Wei said her life would never again be perfect, my own life had also lost the possibility of revival.
Fortunately, Jian Wei had only sprained her ankle, with no bone damage. After a few days of rest, she would be able to walk again. I carried various medications I had bought from the pharmacy and carried her toward the hospital exit. There were several taxis waiting for passengers. Drivers shouted at me, hoping I would give them business tonight, but I didn’t respond, like an emotionless machine, carrying Jian Wei back along the same path. At that moment, I was empty, not knowing why I insisted on carrying her, more like an instinct.
This time, Jian Wei finally gave me her car keys. I drove her back to her place, and upon arrival, carried her into the elevator. I numbly watched the floor numbers change, as if I were seeing my completely chaotic life again… Gradually, I realized I didn’t love her anymore, only hated her… But, is there really a difference between love and hate?
Perhaps not, because hatred arises from love.
…
A sprained ankle meant Jian Wei temporarily couldn’t take care of herself. Although I could find a nurse to look after her the next day, for tonight, I had to take full responsibility.
She sat on the sofa while I unwrapped the bandages on her foot and applied ointment, but we remained silent, letting time recklessly pass us by.
After putting away the ointment, I was about to wrap a new bandage around her foot when she finally spoke, asking me, “Zhaoyang, if you hadn’t met Mi Cai, who was better than me, would you have given up your love for me?… Is human nature really this pragmatic? Driven by instinct to chase novelty and seek someone better?”
I questioned myself—if Mi Cai had never entered my life, what would I be like now?… Yet the more I thought, the more painful it became. In my pain, I dared not seek the truth.
In my silence, Jian Wei’s face showed unbearable anguish, and she choked up again in front of me, “Zhaoyang… Other than you, I have never loved any other man… When we met for the first time after I returned from America, you already had Mi Cai by your side. I loved you. Seeing you with another woman, especially one better than me, I lost all my composure. I hated the snowstorm around you… So I accepted Xiang Chen’s proposal… Whether you believe it or not, I never loved him. I shouldn’t have let myself sink into this whirlpool and become trapped. But what’s the point of saying all this now?… Even a stone would have weathered away with time… Let alone a love that couldn’t withstand scrutiny!!”
The air seemed to solidify into particles at that moment. I felt suffocated, and in that suffocation, I asked, “If you had always loved me, unable to let go of our years of built-up relationship… Why, why did you break up with me in America… Do you know how much pain I felt, how much I hated?… If not for that breakup, as sharp as a blade cutting me to pieces, I would never have fallen for any other woman. I swear it, with my life, I swear it!”
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