I didn’t believe at all that the woman approaching me at this moment was Mi Cai, but she definitely wasn’t a figment of my imagination, because her white scarf fluttered so realistically in the wind. However, due to the distance and the people passing by intermittently, I couldn’t see her face clearly…
Her walking posture and perfect figure were so similar to Mi Cai’s. Although I refused to believe she was truly Mi Cai, I found it even harder to believe that the stingy Creator would spend time shaping so many perfect women. Therefore, full of hope, I stood up from the grass to get a better look at her. But she turned away, hailed a taxi, and soon disappeared into the dimming lights.
She had long gone, but I was still gazing after her. Then the inescapable sense of loss struck me again. After a long while, I finally snapped out of it, hurriedly took out my phone from my handbag, and wanted to call her to confirm if it was really her.
However, reality once again left me helpless. Because after attending Li Xiaoyun’s wedding, I had come home drunk and fallen asleep immediately. All day I had forgotten to charge my phone, so at this moment, I couldn’t contact anyone.
Perhaps it’s better this way. Even if it really was Mi Cai, how could I, in such a shabby state, go and taint her beauty?… Maybe in her eyes, I have always been tall and dignified, rather than this destitute man now, wearing thin clothes and smelling of eggs.
Comforting myself like this, the sense of loss finally eased a bit. Yet cruel reality once again confronted me: where should I go tonight to find a place to settle down?
Or should I just stay the night by this moat?… That wouldn’t be practical. If I really did that, my story would end before the morning came.
Carrying my handbag, I wandered along the noisy streets, regretting that I didn’t have a guitar now. Otherwise, an impromptu street performance would surely bring me some income. If I were lucky enough, even the fare back to Suzhou might be covered.
In this city that raised me, those I could turn to for help were either my family or some gradually estranged friends. I didn’t want to bother any of them, especially not Li Xiaoyun, since it was her wedding night.
…
At the end of the block, the lights were no longer dazzling, and an open music store stood out. Standing across from it, I watched as the owner wiped down a guitar. I crushed the cigarette I had just finished and walked into the music store…
The owner’s eyes were somewhat downcast; he seemed to be looking at me, yet not really. To make him aware of my presence, I spoke first, “Good evening, boss. I want to borrow a guitar from you. Do you think that would be okay?”
Perhaps he had never seen a customer like me before, but he finally looked up, examined me, and smiled slightly, “I only sell guitars here; I’ve never lent one out.”
I took out several packs of high-end cigarettes I had brought from Li Xiaoyun’s wedding and placed them on the counter in front of him, saying, “These packs of cigarettes will be yours. Lend me the guitar for an hour, and I’ll return it right after.”
The owner seemed slightly tempted and asked, “Are you a street musician? How come you don’t have your own guitar?”
In this city where I had lived for over a decade, being called a street musician stirred bitterness inside me. I felt as though this time, I had truly been uprooted. I no longer even had a home; my entire life, along with my existence, had fallen apart. Perhaps I really had become a wanderer. I replied, “Yeah, a wandering musician who even lost his guitar. How pitiful is that?”
“I can’t bear to see anyone in our industry in such a desperate situation. Go ahead and pick a guitar.”
I nodded, chose a guitar, and the owner, very considerately, prepared an amplifier and a speaker for me. As I was about to go out, he kept one pack of cigarettes and threw the rest back to me, saying, “Street musicians have tough lives. Keep the cigarettes. When you feel down, you can smoke to relieve the sorrow.”
I said “Thank you,” then put on the guitar pick, tested the guitar using fingerstyle, and found the sound quality quite good. The guitar shop owner nodded approvingly at me and said, “You play fingerstyle! That’s pretty impressive!… At first, I really thought you were another fraud trying to scam me!”
While adjusting the guitar, I replied, “Musical instruments are the least worth deceiving. Those who have them naturally do, and those who don’t have no use for them. I borrowed one from you just because of an unexpected situation!”
“That’s true!”
With my eyes closed, I tapped the guitar body and strummed the strings using slap technique, and the classic melody of “Hotel California” spread from my fingertips. My heart trembled along with the music…
I didn’t sing with my voice, but instead performed in a rasping way. Every word in the lyrics was filled with my own story. I was really too tired. I needed a place like the “Hotel California” to rest and mend my shattered soul. Thus, while singing, I choked up… keeping my eyes closed, unwilling to use my gaze to see all the illusions in this world.
I didn’t know whether any passersby were moved by my singing or if anyone had thrown paper money in front of me… but none of that mattered anymore. At this moment, I was immersed in the music I created, searching for a place to rest… even fearing that when this song ended, I would truly be escaping reality, because in this vast reality, there was no space to house my tiny belief.
But time, it ruthlessly drags everything to an end, so this song was inevitably performed to its conclusion. I was in unbearable pain, and then had the impulse to smash the guitar…
I’ve always lived by my emotions and never changed. Therefore, I had long forgotten that the guitar in my hands belonged to someone else, that it was borrowed. After opening my eyes, I gripped the guitar neck tightly. My emotions swelled more and more, and I slammed the guitar hard onto the ground. Screams echoed around… the crowd quickly scattered.
The music store owner shouted, “Damn it… Now I know why you don’t have a guitar… You must’ve smashed all of them, didn’t you!!”
Holding the broken guitar, I breathed heavily… and was filled with regret. I had betrayed the owner’s trust in me and damaged a fine instrument. Yet, deep down, I felt incredibly liberated. All the pent-up anger and grievances that had accumulated within me seemed to pour out with my sweat… This time, it felt as if I had punched life right in the face! From head to toe, I was consumed by a sense of triumphant revenge.
The crowd quickly dispersed because of my madness, but one figure remained standing not far away. She wore a white scarf, her hands calmly tucked into her coat pockets, and her eyes never left me… On this bizarre night, I never imagined we would cross the distance of space, coming so close, so real, gazing at each other.
Perhaps she would take me to stay in a hotel like the “Hotel California”… Perhaps she would even compensate for the broken guitar… But what I longed for more was to embrace her truly, melting her into my heart, which was full of holes.
A warm current rushed toward me, sweeping away darkness and coldness…
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