After returning home, I dizzily threw myself onto the bed and fell into a deep sleep, only to dream of Mi Cai again—dreaming that she had left me without saying goodbye. I began searching for her across the world, always believing that her figure would appear at the next dock, the next station, or the next airport. Then I would ask her for an explanation, but the dream only brought me disappointment after disappointment, until I woke up startled from despair.
I turned on the lamp beside the bed, lit a cigarette, and tried to calm myself. As always, I refused inwardly to equate the dream with reality. I convinced myself it was only because I hadn’t seen Mi Cai for too long, and that my recent exhaustion and stress had caused this desperate dream to occupy my sleep.
In reality, Mi Cai would never leave me. Even if she could abandon me, she couldn’t abandon Zhuo Mei. As sad as this might sound, it was still a kind of psychological support. Sometimes, I truly didn’t mind loving someone so humbly, as long as she stayed by my side and simply said she loved me—Zhao Yang—it would feel like happiness to me.
Footsteps came from outside the door, followed by the sound of the front door opening. I knew it was Bada and Mama returning home. I could distinguish their steps after decades of listening: one steady, the other quick-paced.
I hurriedly stubbed out the half-smoked cigarette in the ashtray and began dressing, not wanting Mama—who was already angry—to see how slovenly I looked.
Before I had even finished dressing, Mama opened my bedroom door and immediately recoiled from the smoke in the room, her voice filled with anger: “Zhao Yang, what can I even say to you… Can you look at yourself? How can we, your parents, bear to see you like this? Having a son like you must be our punishment for not doing good deeds in our past lives. All we’ve done this lifetime is worry and exhaust ourselves for you!”
Bada pushed her gently and said, “You’re being too harsh.”
I kept my head down in silence, knowing full well that since she had first seen me this morning, she had been accumulating negative emotions. Li Xiaoyun’s wedding had only intensified her long-standing dissatisfaction.
Mama sobbed, “Laoshao, tell me, isn’t this just a curse? Seeing Xiaoyun get married right under my nose today—it felt like my heart was being cut with a knife. But I still had to wish that good girl well, didn’t I? If this ungrateful son had even a little care for his parents’ feelings, Xiaoyun would’ve already been our daughter-in-law!”
I endured it silently, saying nothing…
Bada tried to soothe her: “Marriage is about destiny. Zhao Yang and Xiaoyun simply weren’t destined to be together. No matter how hard you push, it won’t work.”
“I’m just afraid this ungrateful child will regret it later… Where will he find another girl like Xiaoyun?” Mama grew angrier and angrier, then threw her handbag at me. Perhaps she herself had forgotten that the bag contained eggs she had bought that morning. As a result, my body and the bed were splattered with sticky, pungent liquid. This accident triggered my emotions, and I shouted, “Why do you always want to arrange my marriage? Can’t you ever think about how hard it is for me to live? Let me tell you, all these years, I’ve felt miserable and unhappy because I’ve been dumped and because nothing has been what I wanted!”
Mama’s anger also erupted completely: “Are you saying your father and I aren’t what you wanted either? Now that you’ve grown up and become capable, maybe you don’t want us as your parents anymore!”
I turned to Bada and shouted, “Dad, can’t you see how she’s talking? Isn’t she pushing me to the point where I no longer consider this place my home, just to make her feel better?”
Bada looked at me with disappointment and shook his head: “Zhao Yang, this time I won’t protect you. The scariest thing a person can do is mistake others’ care for attacks, especially when that person is your own mother who gave birth to and raised you.”
At that moment, I felt as if I had been abandoned by the entire world. I couldn’t understand my parents, just as they couldn’t understand me. It turned out that behind human nature lies a shifting and unpredictable reality, and even the most reliable familial bond could be so fickle. What was left for me to rely on in this world?
I was about to collapse from pain! I had never expected that Li Xiaoyun’s wedding would become my disaster!
Bada took a car key from his briefcase and handed it to me: “This is the car you bought for me. Take it back. We don’t need you to compensate us this way.”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Why was everything in my life unwanted? Li Xiaoyun didn’t need my gift, Leyao didn’t need me to attend her wedding, my parents didn’t need my filial piety… What had Zhao Yang done wrong that my closest family and friends would isolate me from their worlds? Couldn’t they ever try to see things from my perspective and understand the pain I was enduring?
It turned out that all these years, I had been walking alone—along a path that would never yield answers.
I finally wiped the sticky liquid off my face, grabbed my briefcase from beside the bed, and took out the bank card originally prepared for Xiaoyun. I placed it on the drawer beside the bed and told them, “You’ve raised me for so many years, and I’m just an ungrateful son with nothing to give back. There’s 600,000 yuan on this card. Whether you take it as compensation or as filial piety, please accept it… There’s no need for me to stay here any longer, only to make you worry!”
Her voice was heart-wrenching: “Zhao Yang, you’re just too undependable, too immature!”
“Don’t push me anymore… I really don’t know what I should do or say to be mature enough to satisfy you!” With that, I grabbed my briefcase and stormed out, slamming the door behind me. My reason had completely collapsed at that moment!
…
This New Year on the Gregorian calendar, I walked alone on the street, watching other people’s reunions and their displays of affection, feeling so painful that I wanted to die. I stood by the moat of the city, chain-smoking one cigarette after another.
Facing the wind, tears uncontrollably streamed down my face. I had never felt such loneliness or such a need for understanding. Sobbing, I pulled out all the cash from my wallet and, in an act of frustration, threw it all into the moat. In my madness, I hated these paper bills forged from desire—they had never brought me anything. With them or without them, I lived like a dog, exhausted from running, yet never knowing where the path beneath my feet would end or offer rest.
I grew even more frenzied, tearing apart all the bank cards that represented wealth in extreme anger and hatred. Finally, I collapsed onto the guardrail, panting and catching my breath. I closed my eyes and cried…
At that moment, I even abandoned myself, because of my earlier madness, I had deprived myself of the right to rest in a hotel somewhere in this city. I was now so poor that I had nothing left but this soulless body. Even if I froze to death here, no one would show me the slightest bit of compassion!
I felt weary, but the moment I closed my eyes, I saw a familiar figure approaching… It was Mi Cai! Truly her, appearing in my vision… But I thought it must be a hallucination—I just desperately wanted her by my side at this moment. How could she possibly be in Xuzhou? That was impossible, absolutely impossible!
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