Jian Wei looked at me, waiting for me to recount the original agreement I had with Luo Ben. However, I was somewhat at a loss on where to start, because I was worried about mentioning things that shouldn’t be mentioned. Jian Wei urged me again, asking, “What was the agreement between you two?”
Finally, I told her, “Luo Ben and I met not long after you went to America. You know, at that time, I didn’t have a proper job yet, and was performing in bars. Later, I met Luo Ben, and we started creating music together… That should have been the most difficult time in my life financially. I loved music, but music couldn’t give me what I urgently needed. It was the same for Luo Ben. After deducting our living expenses, the money we earned wasn’t even enough to rent a recording studio or buy MIDI equipment… It was so desperate back then, really too desperate!”
“What did you urgently need back then?”
I remained silent for a long time and answered without looking at Jian Wei’s face, “A platform to prove myself.”
Jian Wei was silent for even longer before asking again, “Was the need for that platform… for our past love?”
“That doesn’t matter anymore…” I paused and continued, “Later, after finishing that album ‘Fierce Reptiles,’ I left Luo Ben and went to work at Baoli Department Store… Actually, that album was at best the level of underground rock, but it was the most unforgettable one for both Luo Ben and me, because it was a symbol in our lives that could never be erased. It recorded the humiliation, resentment, and suffocation that life gave us. So we made a pact that whoever succeeded in their field first must perform our favorite song ‘Fierce Reptiles,’ and then smash the guitar to pieces, forgetting those dry and bleak days through catharsis…”
I painfully swallowed, then fell silent again. Just as Jian Wei was about to speak, I continued, “It was really too fucking desperate! Two people holding guitars all day long, numbly singing in underground passages, we were too scared even to think about the word ‘future.’ Even now, when I recall that period of time, all I can smell is the taste of instant noodles and hear the dry, clumsy tunes played by various instruments. It felt like a gust of wind could blow us away… Shit!”
My emotions once again plunged into those days. Looking at my broken self, I thought that on stage, Luo Ben must have felt the same as I do now, which was why he roared and smashed his guitar like that. People who haven’t experienced such emotions will never understand… Fortunately, Luo Ben has now succeeded. He has become a rock star with immense market appeal, carrying his musical dreams, while I have been stuck at Baoli Department Store, going from one transfer to another until nearly rotting away. So today, it was Luo Ben who smashed the guitar, not me, Zhao Yang!
The wind became even stronger. Around us, the sound of dry leaves piling onto each other and running far away made the two of us, scattered here, seem extremely quiet. I closed my eyes, clenched my fists to support my forehead, and tried not to cry. It’s been so long, I shouldn’t cry for that period of time anymore—at least back then I endured it with gritted teeth, without shedding a tear to pity myself. My life doesn’t need tears, yet my beloved dream has indeed vanished…
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you behind and gone to America alone… I know you tried for our past love, even giving up your dreams!” Jian Wei looked ahead, not crying, yet tears fell without warning. It turned out that tears don’t necessarily mean crying. Apart from the falling tears, she looked so calm.
“Don’t say these things. One day, everything will become smoke and clouds… So all the pain we endured was just a false illusion!”
“Does this false illusion include love?”
“It includes love. All of it is so damn hypocritical, like the moon. There’s one hanging in the sky, and another lying in the lake water. Who knows which one is real!”
…
Back at the hotel, I lay on the white bed and rewatched Luo Ben’s concert tonight. Then, my mind wandered, drifting off. At this moment, how much I longed for someone to be in my arms, filling the emptiness left by my abandoned dreams. Yet the person I loved might be enduring an even harder time. I realized: our hardships were not from love itself, but from the obstacles life imposed on us… She preferred to give up the richness of love to preserve the glory of Zhuo Mei… That’s okay, I’ve accepted it long ago! Still, sometimes I imagine us both carrying two unburdened bodies living an ordinary life. In my opinion, some pursuits are truly exhausting and alarming!
Finally, the long-awaited phone call rang again. I quickly picked it up and checked. This time, it was really Mi Cai calling. I exhaled heavily before answering the call and spoke first, “Receiving your call before going to bed is the happiest thing today!”
She was silent for a moment at the other end before asking, “Why aren’t you asleep yet?”
“I was watching Luo Ben’s concert today. Do you want to see it? If so, I can forward the video to you.”
“Yeah, how was his performance today?”
“You’ll know once you watch the video…” My voice was slow because I was weighing whether or not to tell her about the crisis Zhuo Mei is currently facing.
Mi Cai had no reply and fell silent once more. This silence made me sense her current bad mood. This predicament had indeed dealt her a heavy blow, after all, it concerned the fate of Zhuo Mei’s IPO.
After much deliberation, I finally told her, “Tonight, I had dinner with Madam An from Tianyang Group. She told me some things, and I’m really worried about you. I want to share some of your burdens, but what should I do? Tell me, and I will do it, even if I have to give my life for it.”
Mi Cai’s voice suddenly became choked, “…I don’t even know what I should do myself, how can I tell you what you should do?… Just focus on your own career. I don’t want you to be distracted. The current situation is really beyond the power of any single person to change…”
“If you feel tired or helpless, just cry. Don’t let those unexpressed emotions build up and hurt you. At least I will always be by your side, no matter what you become in the future.”
After a brief silence, Mi Cai really started crying. She sobbed while I breathed heavily, feeling the pain and frustration in her heart. She was really going through a tough time!!… I kept telling myself there must be a way to turn the situation around, there must be. Things are done by people. As long as I am willing to think and act…
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