I held Mi Cai’s hand and walked around a wall to the back of the house. Her car was still parked here just as before. I said to her, “Give me the guitar.”
She looked at me and said, “First, let go of my hand.”
I released her hand, still feeling somewhat dizzy, so I leaned against her car. She took out the guitar I had once given her and handed it to me. I opened the passenger door and got into the car before her. I gently strummed the guitar strings, and the soft sounds filled my ears, making me feel even more intoxicated. Yet my mind was still occupied with the gift I wanted to give her later.
Mi Cai got into the car with me and asked, “Where are you going?”
“To that square we often visited…”
“I don’t want to reminisce about anything!”
“It’s not about reminiscing; it could be a beginning, or perhaps an end… Please, hurry, okay? The people at the square will soon disperse!”
Mi Cai started the car but opened all the windows. As we drove onto the bustling streets, the city lights, this time, softly refracted into the car. My previously confined soul seemed to start pulsing within me. I had never felt such a strong desire to express myself, and even felt a subtle sense of joy deep inside.
After driving through several blocks, we arrived at the square where we had once played. However, tonight’s wind was colder than usual, and leaves kept floating down from the trees, one after another, finally swirling to the ground.
I placed the guitar upright beside my feet and looked around the square. As it was already late, there were not many people left, only some couples who were reluctant to leave, sitting on benches and whispering sweet nothings to each other.
I patted my forehead to try to sober myself a bit, then interrupted those immersed in happiness and loudly said, “Everyone… everyone…”
The people lingering at the square late at night all turned their eyes toward Mi Cai and me standing in the center. I held Mi Cai’s hand again and gasped, “… I once dated this woman beside me. Now we’ve broken up, but I just remembered that I never formally gave her a bouquet of flowers. So, while there’s still a chance, I want to make up for that regret… I used to be a bar singer, and every penny I earned back then was hard-earned. Now, I still want to earn enough money this way to buy a bouquet of flowers for her… This song, ‘If You Want Me,’ is for all of you, for myself, and for her!”
I strummed the guitar strings, closed my eyes, and quickly immersed myself in the mood. This song, “If You Want Me,” had moved me deeply for a long time, but I rarely sang it because it contained too much longing, and I was someone who preferred to suppress longing with hesitation.
“Are you really here or am I dreaming?… When I get really lonely and the distance calls, it’s only silence… When others say I lie? I wonder if you could ever despise me… If you let me be free, If you want me, Sadness found me…”
This was one of the few times I performed a song in such a calm manner, so I didn’t have to tear myself apart emotionally. I quietly immersed myself in my singing, feeling the soul of the song, and my eyes began to well up. I had been helpless for too long in the loneliness created by distance. I longed for the woman I loved to give me an embrace that could fulfill everything…
I stretched the final note for a long time, and then applause erupted from all around. Finally, someone came up to me and placed the first ten-dollar bill into the hat I had prepared, followed by another ten, then a five, and then coins… After that, the couples dispersed again, returning to their original spots. On this autumn night, no one wanted to interrupt their precious happiness.
I bent down to pick up the hat filled with some money from the ground, but at that moment, there were ultimately too few people left at the square, and I had only collected 62 yuan. Yet I wanted to buy her a big bouquet of beautiful champagne roses! I adjusted my collar and looked toward the KFC not far away that was still open, thinking: perhaps going there would help me collect enough money to buy the flowers.
At this moment, Mi Cai beside me took out a hundred yuan from her wallet and placed it into my hat. She said, “I am also an audience member… You sang very well!”
Perhaps I was still immersed in the emotions of the song, my nose felt a little sore, and I just stared at her…
She looked into my eyes and softly said to me, “I should go now. Thank you for your song!”
At the moment she turned to leave, I tightly gripped her hand again, almost choking as I said, “Don’t go… I haven’t given you the flowers yet. I told you that using your guitar, I would give you a gift in return.”
“This guitar was originally yours; you don’t need to give me anything in return.”
“Then why did you give me this hundred yuan?”
“I think you should buy this bouquet of flowers, but not for me… Give it to the woman you most should give it to.”
At that moment, my breath seemed to be blocked. I felt a sharp pain in my chest, instinctively gripping her hand even tighter. I choked out, “Actually, after we broke up… I really couldn’t forget you. These days, I even felt like I didn’t exist. Everything I did seemed beyond my own understanding… I hate seeing myself like this, and I hate seeing… seeing you lost… Come back to me. Let’s go together and rebuild that ruined city… Although I once doubted, you must be the woman in that city… If you want me, Sadness found me… Just like the song says, okay?… I love you, Mi Cai… I love you!”
Time seemed to stop at that moment. Yet the wind kept blowing, and the moonlight felt cold as it fell upon our bodies. She began to cry, sobbing loudly like a child who had endured a long time of injustice, but she didn’t even lean onto my shoulder. She just cried before my eyes… and twisted my nerves painfully!
A sudden gust of wind came, and yellowed leaves swirled in the air, seemingly flying, yet falling. Suddenly, the paper bills in the hat also flew into the air like leaves, finally landing in the fountain pool beside us, floating on the water’s surface. I stared blankly at the sight…
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