Wei Manwen felt a bit embarrassed and said to me, “Zhaoyang, let me treat you today. About what happened today, I feel quite…”
I smiled and interrupted her, “Teacher Wei, we’re so close, there’s no need for you to be so formal. I should be thanking you. This café makes great pasta. Why don’t I order you a serving?”
Wei Manwen nodded. I immediately signaled the waiter and ordered two servings of pasta. While we waited, we continued chatting. I said, “Teacher Wei, you’re someone who educates others. Do you think what I’m doing now is right? To be honest, I’m quite confused.”
“The reason I’m willing to help you is because I recognize your current approach. After all, there’s pressure from your age and from your parents, yet you yourself haven’t fully prepared psychologically, right?”
I nodded and said, “You’re absolutely right, Teacher Wei. Do you understand that feeling of being wrong no matter what you do?”
“But doing nothing feels even more wrong.”
I replied as if finding a kindred spirit, “Exactly, that’s exactly how I feel. I’m almost being tortured by this. Teacher Wei, please help me analyze what I should do to get out of this.”
Teacher Wei smiled and said, “Zhaoyang, what you’re experiencing now is exactly what Roben went through several months ago. Have you realized that yet? Although your choices were different.”
I couldn’t make much sense of it and said, “Please, Teacher Wei, give me some guidance.”
Teacher Wei nodded and said, “Do you remember several months ago when Roben came to find me in the small village? What condition was I in back then?”
I recalled briefly and said, “You were engaged at the time. Roben kept pestering you, but you firmly rejected him. However, he was quite persistent and stayed in the village.”
“What happened then?”
“The result was that you and he left the village and returned to city life.”
“Do you think that result was good?”
With admiration, I replied, “Of course it’s good when two people finally end up together. Actually, I knew back then that even though you spoke so decisively, deep down you hadn’t let go of Roben.”
Teacher Wei looked somewhat somber, yet smiled and said, “Yes, so in the end I still gave up Zhou Hang and chose to be with him. Some feelings aren’t so easily forgotten, even if you think you can, even if you’ve said many decisive things.”
I seemed to understand Teacher Wei’s meaning somewhat, but wasn’t sure, so I focused intently, waiting for her to continue.
Teacher Wei continued by asking me, “Do you think your current situation with Mi Cai resembles ours back then?”
I started reflecting on my relationship with Mi Cai and indeed found many similarities to Teacher Wei and Roben several months ago. Mi Cai had also said decisive things to me and had another person she was set to marry. The difference was: that night I chose to let go in the parking lot, while Roben chose to persist. But what did this similarity really indicate?
With these doubts, I asked Teacher Wei, “Teacher Wei, can you tell me what you were thinking back then?”
“If Roben had chosen to leave the village back then, even if I loved him deeply, our relationship would have ended because he didn’t give himself a chance nor did he give me a chance to let go.” She paused slightly, then asked me, “Tell me, do you still love Mi Cai?”
“I do love her, which is why I’ve become like a headless fly now. After we broke up, I seemed to have lost my direction in life. That feeling of wanting to grasp something but being unable to is so painful… I once thought I could be strong and indifferent, but when she told me she would marry another man, I really felt like I was breaking down. From that moment on, I started longing to get married before her, at least not falling too far behind. Because I’m afraid I won’t know how to face it when I really hear the news of her marriage… Teacher Wei, is this a pathological mindset?”
“It’s twisted because you loved too much.”
I sighed, lit a cigarette, closed my eyes, and took a puff. Suddenly, I felt annoyed with my current self, feeling like I had lost my soul and couldn’t find it again.
Teacher Wei remained silent with me for a long time until the waiter came to remind me that smoking wasn’t allowed in this café. She apologized on my behalf to the waiter, and I, with an apologetic gesture, put out the cigarette. I looked at her somewhat blankly, hoping she would continue speaking, to make me feel less distressed.
“Zhaoyang, all your current erratic behavior stems from your fear of getting hurt. You don’t want to return to that hellish life you once had, right?”
“Yes, those years, I’m not willing to recall.”
“Do you think Mi Cai still has feelings for you?”
“I don’t think so. We haven’t been in touch for a long time after the breakup, and she quickly started preparing to marry that man who had been pursuing her for years!”
“Did she tell you in person that she was going to marry that man?”
“Yes, so I felt hopeless!”
Teacher Wei’s expression turned serious as she said to me, “Zhaoyang, I think you might not really understand a woman’s mindset. At that time, Mi Cai might have really hoped that you would try to stop her. She was using the prospect of marrying another man to pressure you, but you misinterpreted it, and then she became disappointed and chose to go along with it naturally.”
“No, I didn’t misinterpret it. She said at the breakup: ‘I can no longer be your wife in this life,’ so decisively!”
“I once said the same thing to Roben, and even truly meant it, but women are ultimately emotional beings. The more painful words you say to a man, the more likely they were spoken in your most emotional moments. Perhaps after she said those things, she regretted them herself… Misunderstanding, this terrible force, might have pushed you two further and further apart. Mi Cai felt you didn’t love her enough, and you felt she didn’t love you enough!”
Teacher Wei’s words shook me a bit, and after a while I said, “Teacher Wei, this is just your personal judgment without any basis…”
For the rare occasion, Teacher Wei interrupted, “But it could also be the truth… You’ve come to this point, can’t you expect Mi Cai to come back to you and beg for a reunion? When you were together, didn’t she always seem like she wanted to say something but held back?”
Thinking carefully, I indeed recalled many instances where Mi Cai had behaved that way. I nodded at Teacher Wei but still had one last doubt and said, “Teacher Wei, there are some stains in my past that I really can’t bring myself to say out loud, but they do exist. My past private life was really messy, and she couldn’t really accept that, which was also the catalyst for our breakup!”
“I used to be very sensitive about Roben’s past as well, but love is something that can’t be deceived… I forgave him. Perhaps the way you handled things at the time was wrong, making the situation worse. Added to that, Leyao being a public figure amplified the negative impact of this incident, causing her emotions to become unstable. Then you kept provoking her, leading her to make the wrong judgment… However, Leyao has already gone abroad now, and this incident has gradually subsided, hasn’t it?”
I once again fell into memories, as if it really had been like that back then. When those unsavory details of my past were revealed to Mi Cai, I kept pushing her to marry me. Wasn’t that behavior suffocating for her at the time?
After giving me enough time to digest everything, Teacher Wei finally said, “Zhaoyang, the above is my judgment based on my experience as someone who has been through similar situations and as a woman. As for whether you should choose to communicate sincerely with her, that decision must be yours… But I hope you will! Otherwise, you will regret it!”
At this moment, my heart began to stir, but thinking of Zhuo Mei again, I suddenly realized that the complexities between Mi Cai and me were far from as simple as Teacher Wei’s analysis. I had no confidence at all to stand against Zhuo Mei and communicate with Mi Cai… And our feelings were far more complicated than hers and Roben’s had ever been!
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