After dinner, Li Xiaoyun and I walked back along the street we had come from, but our moods were no longer the same as before. We walked silently for a long time until we reached the intersection with the traffic lights, where Li Xiaoyun finally stopped and said to me, “Zhaoyang, I always want to say something to you, but I don’t know how to start.”
“I don’t need anyone’s sympathy or comfort. Actually, I’m in a good mood and don’t feel my life has been affected.”
“Are you telling the truth?”
I nodded and replied, “Yes, breaking up is really tormenting, but after experiencing it many times, it’s not that big of a deal. I think I can live more freely than her!”
Li Xiaoyun shook her head and smiled, “Now that you’ve broken up, why must you keep comparing yourself to her? Or is it that deep down, you can’t truly let go of this love, so you instinctively compare yourself to her after the breakup?”
I looked at Li Xiaoyun in confusion, unsure whether she was right or not. But as soon as I thought of Mi Cai, my heart was filled with mixed emotions, and I started calculating my gains and losses in this relationship.
Time passed silently for a few minutes while I was lost in thought. Finally, I sat on the bench at the roadside and said to Li Xiaoyun, “Xiaoyun, you go back first. I’ll sit here for a while.”
“Okay…”
“Yeah, thank you for being with me tonight.”
“No, I should thank you… Zhaoyang, you’re a good guy and will definitely find happiness.”
I looked at her and smiled, saying, “Are you saying I’m not mature enough?”
“Immaturity can also be charming. So I want to thank you for letting me, a destined ordinary woman, experience a youthful, passionate, and hopeful love during my lifetime.”
Li Xiaoyun left like that, but her departing figure made me feel so distressed. Even more painful was the fact that I couldn’t figure out the source of my distress, only feeling like a lonely autistic patient who had been abandoned.
Suddenly, I thought of Mi Cai again. What was she doing now? Was she also losing control in chaos, drifting around in this complicated world, filled with unexpressed loneliness, just like me?
No, she was still moving freely through her own tranquil world with indifference to love. That’s why I was in such danger now!
So, living in loneliness and danger, I felt a bit resentful towards her!
…
When I got home, I pretended to be very drunk, avoiding my mother’s inquiring gaze. I staggered and complained, “Wow, was Li Xiaoyun raised in a wine barrel? She drinks too much! She literally got me drunk like this!”
My mother looked at me and said in amazement, “Wow, how much did you drink? You’re already talking nonsense!”
“Mom, I’m dizzy. I’m going to sleep first!”
“Wait a minute.”
“Mom! My head isn’t mine right now, and I’m talking nonsense. What can I say to you?”
“I just wanted to wait for you and make you a cup of tea.”
My heart relaxed instantly, realizing it was a false alarm. But immediately I sank into another kind of helplessness. Why couldn’t I honestly face my parents? And why did I always make them feel desperate with my own confusion? I’m sure my mother would be heartbroken if she knew Li Xiaoyun already had someone else.
After drinking a cup of tea to sober up, I returned to my room, lay on the bed, and began habitually lighting a cigarette to save myself from my depression. I stared at the ceiling through the smoke, and after a while, I felt like I no longer existed, my anxious thoughts gradually calming down.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and then I heard my father’s voice: “Zhaoyang, are you asleep?”
I quickly put out the cigarette in the ashtray, didn’t respond, and lay stiffly on the bed, pretending to be asleep.
Father opened the door, then opened the window for me, and came to the bedside, saying, “You’ve finished performing for your mother, do you still have to perform for your father?”
I finally opened my eyes, cautiously looked towards the door, and confirmed that only my father was there before sitting up and saying, “Dad, being a son is really hard. Some things I just can’t bring up to my mother, otherwise I wouldn’t have to pretend to be a drunkard like this! By the way, where’s Mom?”
“She went to Xiaoyun’s house!”
“Sigh…”
“What did you talk about with Xiaoyun today?”
I looked at the empty cigarette pack on the table and asked my father, “Do you have any cigarettes left? Give me one!”
My father took out a pack of Hongshanshu from his pocket and threw it to me. I took one out, lit it, and then said, “Dad, you know, Xiaoyun has a boyfriend now. It’s just hard to tell Mom. If she finds out, she’ll definitely get upset!”
My father didn’t react much and just said, “Even if she gets upset, there’s nothing she can do about it!”
“When I leave, you can tell her gently. If it comes from my mouth, her heart will definitely be broken!”
“You do things like this, and anyone’s heart would be broken!”
Although my father didn’t show any expression, I could feel his emotions. After a long silence, I said in a low voice, “I’m sorry, Dad… I’m really not a good son!”
My father didn’t respond to my apology but asked, “Tell me, how did you and Xiaomi break up?”
I tried to sound relaxed and laughed, “We weren’t compatible!”
“How were you incompatible?”
“To use my mother’s words, she wasn’t a girl who could settle down… Dad, you know, I’m a man with my own thoughts and standards. Although she was flawless in appearance, once I discovered her flaws, I could decisively end this unrealistic relationship!”
My father’s expression immediately darkened, “Don’t talk nonsense with your dad. I know what kind of girl Xiaomi is. It’s mostly because you were fickle and distracted!”
I got a bit emotional, “Who’s fickle? May I be struck by lightning if I’m lying!”
My father looked at me with deep suspicion…
My tone immediately softened, “Well… in short, she had some misunderstandings about me, and I couldn’t give her the purity she wanted… Anyway, we broke up peacefully.”
After a while, my father said, “Xiaomi is a girl with a lot on her mind… Was there a lack of communication between you two?”
“Now that we’ve broken up, what’s there to communicate? Dad, let’s not talk about this anymore. Let’s talk about something happy. Are you free tomorrow? Let’s go to the 4S store together and get you a new car!”
“No need to spend money!”
“This isn’t about spending money. Your company car has too many hidden dangers. Safety issues can’t be taken lightly. After being an unfilial son for so many years, let me show my care for you.”
“Save the money for your own house…”
I interrupted, “I’m not short of money for buying a house. This matter is decided. Tomorrow, we’ll go to the 4S store together and pick out a new Passat. It would be great!”
…
In the end, my father still refused my request to buy him a car, but I had already made up my mind to go to the 4S store the next day and place the order for him. I hoped doing this could bring him and my mother some comfort. Unfortunately, all I could do now was to make up for it materially. In the future, I would work harder to build my career and become a man who is not so utterly worthless!
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