The night breeze was still blowing by the moat. The cigarette in my hand was nearly smoked down to the end. When I put it out, I no longer felt any desire to smoke again. I gazed blankly at the river for a while. Jian Wei didn’t seem to be immersed in my mood. She continued to work on her documents, occasionally answering a phone call.
Finally, I said to her, “I’m going back to Xuzhou tomorrow. Can I borrow your car?”
“You don’t have a Grand Cherokee?”
“I sold it…”
Jian Wei understood without further questions. She nodded, took the car key from her handbag, and said, “Then take it. There’s an oil card in the car.”
I said “Thank you” and took the key from her hand.
Jian Wei seemed to have finished handling the pile of documents and put them all into her handbag. Then she asked me, “Do your parents know you and Mi Cai have broken up?”
“They still don’t know. Sigh… I really don’t know how to face them. I’ve owed them so much over these years!”
Jian Wei nodded, agreeing with my sentiment, and comforted me, “That’s why I’ve always reminded you to focus on your career. When a man cannot satisfy his parents’ expectations in terms of relationships, success in career can somewhat make up for it. After all, nowadays there are plenty of successful entrepreneurs in their 30s who are still single. Once they have sufficient material security, their thoughts about marriage are no longer about when or with whom to get married, but whether they even want to get married at all!”
I smiled and replied after a long pause, “If that day really comes, I think I would feel quite pathetic.”
“Why do you say that?”
“If I were really rich, there would be a bunch of women waiting for me when I wanted to get married, but would that still have anything to do with love? That’s why I can’t really agree with your point.”
“Hehe, so your pain entirely comes from your inability to distinguish between reality and ideals!”
“Maybe.”
I felt somewhat lost again and had the urge to smoke. I looked up at the sky, but failed to spot that crystal-clear city again. Feeling disappointed, I thought that the ideal I had pursued all my life turned out to be just an unrealistic illusion. Finally, I asked Jian Wei beside me, “Do you still believe in love?”
“Why? Do you think this is even a question worth discussing?”
“Do you believe in it or not?”
“I only believe in life itself, and love is just a small part of life.”
Jian Wei’s answer made me hear a cracking sound again. It turned out that there really would be no more love that would elope to the ends of the earth. Even if Jian Wei had to choose again, she probably wouldn’t have the courage anymore to repeat such a passionate love during an elopement. She had already been polished by life, forgotten the intoxication of love, and returned to a rational life. Huh… Thinking about it, it’s really frustrating and saddening!
I lit my last cigarette before leaving with her lighter, patted her shoulder, and said, “Remember to send me an invitation when you get married. I’ll come and see…”
“See what?”
“I want to see what it’s like when the smoke leaves the battlefield!”
“Why don’t you just die? Who talks like you do?”
“I don’t think I’m being mean. When I get married, you can go and see how the smoke leaves the battlefield too!”
…
The next morning, I drove the car I borrowed from Jian Wei toward Xuzhou. Despite feeling uneasy and anxious, I kept reminding myself to face things honestly because love was not a war, and what I was facing now was not a desperate escape. Although it was hard for me to pursue pure love anymore, I still had many opportunities in life. This trip back was not only to visit my father and mother but also to plan the construction of a bar and a guesthouse in Xuzhou, continuing to expand the artistic path in Jiangsu Province.
At noon, I finally returned to my home in Xuzhou. After parking the car, I didn’t go upstairs immediately. Instead, I sat by the flowerbed next to the car and lit a cigarette, trying to relax a bit before facing my father and mother.
My father’s old Santana 2000 gradually approached and stopped beside me. After he and my mother got out of the car, I forced a smile and asked, “Where did you guys go?”
“We went to the market with your mom to buy some vegetables,” my father said, looking around, then asked, “So it’s just you? Where’s Xiao Mi?”
“Uh… She didn’t come back.”
My father’s expression turned sour. “Didn’t you promise yesterday that you would come back together?”
Although I had resolved to tell my father and mother the truth on my way back, when the moment came, my heart felt heavy again. I really didn’t want to face their disappointed expressions with this unworthy son’s body.
My mother asked, “Why are you silent?”
“Father, Mother, I hope you can mentally prepare yourselves before I speak, okay?”
My mother urged, “What mental preparation? Just speak quickly!”
I spoke in a low voice, “I… I’ve already broken up with her. It happened a few days ago!”
My father’s face immediately darkened. My mother, seemingly unsurprised, said to my father, “Old Zhao, I told you long ago that our son and that girl were incompatible. Our humble family can’t match their high status. It’s fine if they broke up… Then she turned to me and said, “Son, I don’t blame you for this matter. Later, we’ll find a girl from a suitable family and get married steadily. Wouldn’t that be better?”
However, my heart did not feel any lighter because of my mother’s easy acceptance. I couldn’t help but doubt whether my sincere efforts for Mi Cai were correct. If they were correct, why did my mother, who raised me, seem so relieved about our breakup? I was confused again and felt sad about that lost love.
My father wanted to say something to me, but my mother stopped him. I watched my mother take out her mobile phone from her pocket, make a call, and then say, “Xiao Yun, this is Auntie Zhao… Isn’t it the weekend today? Your father and mother went to the countryside again. Come to Auntie’s house for lunch, and this afternoon I’ll invite Auntie Li and Auntie Zhang to play a game of Mahjong together…” Then she lowered her voice and said, “Zhao Yang is back… Yeah, come over quickly. Auntie and Uncle have already bought the ingredients. You can help Auntie prepare the meal…”
My mother happily put her phone back into her pocket, linked her arm with mine, and pulled my father’s sleeve, dragging him upstairs…
This dramatic scene caught me off guard, but my heart still felt like it had been turned upside down with all sorts of emotions. I knew my mother’s intentions well; she had never given up on setting me up with Li Xiaoyun. In her mind, Li Xiaoyun was the most ideal daughter-in-law.
At this moment, I realized how resentful I was toward Mi Cai… Why couldn’t she give me some understanding? Why couldn’t we hold hands and pursue a simple and ordinary life together? And did she even know how hard it was for me to let go of this deep and devoted love?
Now it’s all over. My mother’s complete rejection seemed to be a huge irony for us. In our relationship, what exactly had we done?
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