I nervously dialed Ban Die’s phone number. He seemed to have been waiting for my call, as he answered almost immediately. I apologized, saying, “Ban Die, I had my phone on silent. Is there anything wrong?”
“Not really.”
“Oh.”
My brief response left Ban Die, who was never a talkative person, in silence again. I, feeling guilty, couldn’t bring myself to speak either, so I joined him in the silence.
Finally, Ban Die asked, “How’s work going lately?”
“It’s fine…”
“Hmm, since work is going smoothly, shouldn’t you and Xiaomi start considering marriage? It’s practically become a concern for your mother and me!”
As expected, Ban Die inevitably brought up the topic of my marriage with Mi Cai. Although I had prepared myself mentally, it still felt like a mixture of emotions overwhelmed me. I really didn’t know how to talk to Ban Die about this. I knew that once he learned the truth, he wouldn’t just feel disappointed—he would be heartbroken. Heartbroken over my lack of initiative in love, heartbroken that I couldn’t fulfill their long-cherished wish.
“Zhaoyang, are you listening?”
“Uh… the signal was a bit weak just now… Well…”
Ban Die interrupted me, “Don’t ‘well’ me. Isn’t tomorrow the weekend? Bring Xiaomi home tomorrow and let’s sit down as a family to discuss your marriage plans!”
“She’s pretty busy this week. Let me see… Maybe we should wait a bit longer!”
“If she’s too busy, your mother and I can come to Suzhou.”
Ban Die’s firm attitude startled me a little, but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth about my breakup with Mi Cai. After a pause, I said, “It’s too far for you and Mom to come all this way. I’ll just come back home.”
Perhaps Ban Die never even imagined that Mi Cai and I would separate, so he didn’t notice that I said “I’ll come back” instead of “we’ll come back.” After reminding me a few more times, he hung up the phone.
I listened helplessly to the dial tone in the phone, completely unsure how to face their eager expectations tomorrow. My heart became restless, so I bought some beer at a roadside newsstand, walking and drinking as I hoped the hot summer wind would blow away my unease…
…
Almost instinctively, I arrived at the riverside, leaning against the railing and watching the river flow northward with the wind, losing myself in thought. Yet I longed for rain, hoping it would wash away all my anxiety and unease.
The rain never came. Disappointed, I lay on the grass, closed my eyes, and as usual, she appeared beside me, asking, “Zhaoyang, aren’t you afraid of mosquito bites lying here?”
I sat up from the grass, looked at myself, and replied, “My blood is full of helplessness and anxiety. Any mosquito that dares to bite me is asking for trouble!”
“You’ve got that strange mood again!”
“What do you know? You don’t understand anything!”
Jian Wei didn’t respond. Instead, she took out a bottle of insect repellent from her bag and handed it to me, saying, “Apply some if you’re planning to stay here for a while.”
I shook my head, indicating I didn’t need it.
Jian Wei didn’t force me. She opened the bottle and applied some to her arms, then, as usual, took out a stack of unprocessed documents from her handbag. While reviewing them, she said to me, “You’ve been coming here more often lately. Things haven’t been going smoothly recently, have they?”
“These past few years have never been smooth.”
This time, Jian Wei looked at me before asking again, “Is it a conflict with Mi Cai?”
“How can you tell?”
“Otherwise, how could you remember this place!”
I randomly took out a cigarette from my pocket but couldn’t find my lighter. I grabbed Jian Wei’s handbag, found the lighter from its inner pocket—seemingly reserved for me—and lit my cigarette.
Jian Wei said unhappily, “You’re really not shy. Did I let you touch my bag?”
“If I don’t touch your bag, how can I find the lighter?”
“That’s robber logic!… If you respect a woman, you must respect her bag. That’s etiquette!”
“Who cares about such nonsense etiquette… Besides, didn’t I also find the lighter from your bag last time?”
“Last time, I allowed it. Did I approve this time? You’re just being presumptuous and self-centered!”
“You, a new generation career woman, are fussing over such trivial matters with me, lowering your status!”
“I’ve figured you out completely—you’re just a rogue and a bastard!”
“You don’t understand anything, you don’t understand anything at all…”
Jian Wei looked at me again, frowning, “Can you express yourself clearly right now?”
“Of course I’m clear-headed. That’s why I say you don’t understand anything. My heart holds an entire city, especially big and especially capable of carrying burdens. Even if the whole world collapses, my heart remains full of blooming flowers!”
“Sentimental youth!”
“Go ahead and curse me more!”
But Jian Wei’s tone softened, “Zhaoyang, if there’s really something in your heart that you can’t bear anymore, try to communicate. Using such strange ways to vent will only make you suffer more and feel increasingly misunderstood and uncomprehended by this world!”
I finally opened my eyes and looked at her face under the dim light…
Jian Wei asked me again, “Come on, tell me what’s bothering you. We always meet by this river—it must be fate. Since fate brought us together, I can be your listener and maybe offer some guidance!”
“What a big fate!”
“Then speak up…”
I hesitated for a while before finally sighing and telling her, “…Mi Cai and I have broken up. I’m now suffering from the aftermath of the breakup, hehe… Everyone thought we would get married, but we still broke up. So, when living in this world, never think you fully understand or know everything. You can’t imagine the future to be perfect and flawless. The future is just an absurd joke… Do you know? I’ve already bought two engagement rings, but in the end, I couldn’t even get married. Tell me… tell me how desperate my parents must feel! They raised such a clueless son!”
Jian Wei looked at me with a complicated expression, remaining silent for a while…
So I mocked again, “Aren’t you going to guide me? Hurry up and guide me, this clueless man in life…”
“I don’t know how to guide you… I always thought you were living happily, at least in terms of love!”
I just looked at Jian Wei without saying anything else, because we both lived in a world we didn’t understand. That’s why she thought I was doing well, and I thought she was doing fine too. But reality was blurry…
I picked up Jian Wei’s lighter again, lit a cigarette, and couldn’t help thinking about my distant parents. They also didn’t understand, dreaming in their ignorance that Mi Cai and I would give them a marriage answer tomorrow.
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