The car sped quickly from the city to the suburbs. At this moment, I felt as if I were being squeezed by two invisible forces. I could even feel my consciousness gradually deforming under the unbearable pressure. I longed for liberation, even if it were brief, I needed to free myself now.
I had once again arrived at the familiar moat. As soon as I parked the car, I rushed down to the riverside like a fugitive and then let out a series of guttural roars at the river. I hated this choice, until I was exhausted, I sat back down on the grass, still filled with lingering resentment and anger.
Gasping for breath, I lay flat on my back and stared blankly at the blue sky. It seemed as if I saw two scenes: one was the joyous celebration of my wedding with Mi Cai, and the other was Mi Cai’s desolate and lost expression after losing Zhuo Mei. Thus, I became even more tormented, questioning myself whether I should continue being selfish, and whether a version of myself who constantly demanded from Mi Cai could ever rival Zhuo Mei in her heart.
Time trickled away in my painful agony. Finally, I took out my phone from my pocket and dialed CC, asking her to bring some beer. It was already noon, and I was really hungry.
Soon, CC arrived at the riverside, unfortunately she didn’t bring much beer—only two cans, though she did bring quite a bit of food.
I picked up one of the cans, opened it, took a sip, and then complained to her, “Why only two cans?”
“You said you were hungry, right? I naturally brought lunch for you. Two cans of beer to whet your appetite are enough. Why do you need to drink so much?”
I downed one can of beer in one go, then lay flat on the grass again, but the noon sunlight had already pierced my eyes so that I couldn’t open them, and I dared not look at the blue sky anymore.
CC patted my shoulder and asked with concern, “What’s wrong with you? Running to the riverside alone.”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? Every time you come to the moat, you look like this. Remember a few years ago when you broke up with Jian Wei, how many times did I come here to pick you up when you were drunk out of your mind… Now you’re better, at least you call me before getting drunk.”
Suddenly, I sat up neurotically from the ground and stared at CC. CC instinctively leaned back and asked, “Why are you staring at me like that?”
“If one day Mi Cai and I are no longer together, would you find it surprising?”
CC didn’t answer me but instead questioned, “Don’t you think you’re acting weird… What’s wrong with you?”
If I told CC the truth, she would definitely relay it to Mi Cai. But right now, I haven’t fully figured this out yet. Naturally, I didn’t want Mi Cai to know that Wei Ran had contacted me. I was worried that if I spoke out before thinking it through, it might trigger a serious mistake.
So I gritted my teeth and said to CC, “Then I won’t ask.”
CC didn’t intend to let me off the hook, continuing to ask, “You called me here, so what’s wrong that you can’t tell me?”
“I called you because I wanted to have a drink, and besides, don’t you think the scenery by the riverside at the end of spring is beautiful? I just didn’t want to enjoy it alone…”
“If you don’t want to talk about it, fine. Anyway, you always talk a lot of nonsense, but when it comes to real matters, you always keep them bottled up inside, thinking about them over and over again, and finally still can’t figure them out!”
I didn’t say anything, opened another can of beer, but this time I didn’t drink it all at once, instead sipping it slowly, and indeed, as CC had said, I kept thinking over and over again about this matter that I had to keep to myself for now…
After finishing the two cans of beer, I also ate the lunch CC had brought. I lay down and rested for a while, but still didn’t want to leave this moat that I had once regarded as my safe haven, until my phone rang…
I turned over and took my phone out of my pocket, surprised to find it was a call from Luoben. I answered the phone and asked, “Haven’t been in touch for some time, how’s life in the mountains?”
“We’re about to arrive in Xitang, you come to the station to pick us up.”
“What? To Xitang? And ‘we’?”
“Yeah, two people, of course it’s ‘we’!”
I wasn’t sure, so I asked tentatively, “Is it also Weiman Wen?”
Luoben only answered me with a “Yes,” but it still came as an unprecedented shock. Thinking back, it took us more than three weeks to resolve Zhuo Mei’s PR crisis, and the date that Weiman Wen had agreed upon with Luoben had already arrived. Now he has brought back Weiman Wen, what does that mean? In my confusion, I couldn’t help but lower my voice and ask, “Have you two gotten back together?”
Luoben answered me in another way, “She didn’t marry Zhou Hang.”
I looked at CC, who was still unaware of anything beside me, and my mood became complicated. After a long while, I said to Luoben, “I’m in Suzhou now, you come to Suzhou.”
“Alright, then we’ll transfer directly from Xitang to Suzhou. You should come to the station to pick us up in about an hour. You have to get me drunk today!”
…
After ending the call with Luoben, I looked at CC again for a long time, not knowing how to start…
CC, however, smiled and asked me, “Was it Luoben calling you?”
“Did you hear?”
“Did they get back together?”
I remained silent for a long time before nodding to her, somewhat reluctant to see her expression.
CC smiled through her tears, “That’s great, how wonderful! This is what he’s been longing for all along! As friends for so many years, we should be happy for him and Weiman Wen. After all, the lovers have finally reunited!”
I didn’t know what to say, but I understood that the more CC talked at this moment, the more painful it actually was. She just wanted to use this to mask her feelings and appear strong.
CC continued, “You’ve been drinking, so you shouldn’t go to pick them up later. I’ll drive to meet them.”
“They can take a taxi, you know. Just stay here with me for the afternoon. The scenery here is even better at dusk!”
CC had already stood up, her eyes no longer holding any tears, as she smiled and said, “Actually, I’m not sad. I’m really happy for him. I’m going to the station now to give them my blessings first. I think what Luoben needs most is my blessing and acceptance!”
CC was already near the riverside when I finally sat up and shouted after her, “When you meet Luoben later, tell him to come find me by the moat. We’ve made plans to have a drink together.”
“Got it…”
CC’s voice gradually weakened as she walked away, but I could see something called selflessness in her back view. Compared to her, my love for Mi Cai seemed somewhat selfish. I knew all along that what she cared about most was Zhuo Mei, yet I still refused to let go. Perhaps one day she would really come to hate me!… But at this moment, I seemed to have no courage to let her make a choice, because the result might be the one I was most unwilling to bear!
…
I lay alone by the moat from afternoon to dusk, and the long-awaited Luoben did not disappoint me. He carried a woven bag in his hand, filled with canned beer.
Luoben sat beside me, placing the woven bag between us. He took out a can of beer and threw it to me, then opened one for himself. He clinked his can with mine and said, “Let’s drink until we’re satisfied!”
I nodded, drank half of the can in one go, then asked him, “Where’s Weiman Wen?”
“CC is with her, shopping for some clothes. You know, she’s been in the mountains for too long!”
“But have you thought about how CC feels while helping Weiman Wen choose clothes?… Let me tell you, there’s no more painful smile in the world than a forced one!”
Luoben fell into a stunned silence for a long time before saying, “Of course I know how she feels, but her not avoiding it is precisely to make herself feel better. Because by immersing herself in the experience, she will feel pain. Once the pain is enough, she’ll become numb, and eventually, all the pain will just be scattered fragments for her!”
“You owe CC an apology. You two shouldn’t have started blindly back then!”
Luoben stood up, picked up a stone from the ground, and threw it into the river. The stone skipped across the water toward the opposite bank but ultimately failed to reach it, sinking into the moat. Luoben stared blankly at the spot where it sank for a long time before saying, “Yeah… A decision often takes only seconds, but it could affect two people’s entire lives.”
“Do you regret it?”
“Regret is useless. After all, Manwen suffered for three years. If it weren’t for that wrong decision back then, CC wouldn’t be suffering today… We’ve all been fucked over by these damn choices, again and again!”
I also sat up from the grass, then threw another can of beer to Luoben. After clinking cans, I said, “Right now I’m being fucked over by a choice, and I’m not even sure I can choose the right answer…”
“Then you’re definitely getting fucked!”
“Yeah, seeing how badly you got fucked, I don’t even know how to choose anymore!”
Luoben looked at me and finally said seriously, “Tell me, what’s the dilemma that’s making you choose?”
Luoben’s relationship with Mi Cai wasn’t particularly close, and he wouldn’t tell her, so I told him about my meeting with Wei Ran that morning, then waited for him to guide me with his experience as someone who had been through it.
After a long silence, Luoben finally said to me, “If you think what she values most is Zhuo Mei and you choose to give up, that’s the same as my decision to give up Manwen. Then we misunderstood each other for three years and even dragged an innocent CC into pain… So to avoid making a similar stupid choice, you should have an honest conversation with Mi Cai. If she herself feels that Zhuo Mei is irreplaceable, then you can choose to give up at that time and still gain a reputation for being noble and broad-minded. On the contrary, if Mi Cai values your relationship the most and you still take the initiative to give up, aren’t you as foolish as I was back then?”
“So?”
“So you need to find an opportunity to talk to Mi Cai and understand her true thoughts… Don’t make the mistake too profound!”
I took a deep breath. With Luoben’s experience as a warning, I indeed needed to talk to Mi Cai. This was the basis for my choice… But would she really value our relationship more than Zhuo Mei?
Only she knows!
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