The Ferrari carrying Mi Cai quickly turned the corner and drove onto another street beyond my sight. At that moment, standing at the vast plaza of Zhuo Mei, I felt like a clown abandoned by the world, enduring the scornful glances of passersby while drowning in pain.
I only wished I had a mask to hide my shame.
I truly felt exhausted, yet repeatedly asked myself: where had I gone wrong? Why must I keep experiencing the pain of love again and again? With Jian Wei, and now with Mi Cai too.
A sense of defeat seemed to freeze my blood. I walked stiffly to my car, and like a gust of wind, I drove through the city, past illusions and falsehoods…
It was already 11 p.m. when I returned to the old house. I didn’t smoke, nor did I drink. I silently began packing my luggage, because when Mi Cai pushed me away and got into Weiran’s car, I knew our relationship was over. As for the word “breakup,” not saying it aloud was the final gift Mi Cai gave me, allowing me to retain the last shred of dignity.
I quickly finished packing. Just before leaving the old house, I felt as though I had been dreaming, because I never imagined our conflict would escalate so suddenly.
Thinking further, life itself is like a dream—unpredictable and impermanent. No one can control the world to follow the path they’ve planned. Therefore, it’s pointless to be anxious over an uncertain world. Eventually, we will all learn to accept whatever comes our way, though I might have learned this lesson a bit later than others.
…
The guitar Mi Cai gave me—I wanted to take it with me, but I had no face to do so. In the end, I left it behind in the old house.
The moment I closed the door, I finally lit my first cigarette since returning. I took a deep puff, then carried my luggage down the stairwell.
Step by step, I finally reached the third floor, when suddenly I heard the sound of high heels striking the ground from the first floor. The sound was especially clear in the deep night, and I recognized that rhythm all too well—only she could walk with such confidence.
So we met each other on the second floor. Yet the confident woman I remembered now appeared so haggard and tired under the dim light.
We had no choice but to stop. I was carrying so much luggage, blocking her way up the narrow stairwell, while she blocked my way down.
She looked at me, then at the luggage in my hands, and her eyes suddenly welled up.
“Where are you going?” she finally asked.
“In such a big city, can’t I find a place to settle down?”
She remained silent…
“Please move aside and let me pass, okay?”
She stood still, unmoving.
I tried to push her aside with my hand, but she grabbed the railing, refusing to leave her spot.
Suddenly, I had an illusion: she had become me from our first meeting, and I had become her. My heart, which had been determined to leave, began to waver again. I foolishly imagined she would hug me and beg me to stay.
Finally, she asked, as if making a firm decision: “Does leaving mean we’re breaking up?”
I thought again of the moment she pushed me away and got into Weiran’s car. I clenched my teeth and said, “…I’m sorry, I’ve never learned to be as calm and rational as you want me to be… Please move aside, okay?”
Mi Cai slowly shifted her body to one side, lowering her head to give me space to leave.
I looked at her. I didn’t want to leave, I was still hoping she would embrace me, yet I was somehow compelled to step onto the next stair.
I walked down step by step, but each step became heavier. I felt suffocated, out of control. I desperately wanted to throw away the luggage, hold her tightly, and kiss her in this dimly lit stairwell. But that force still pushed me downward… until I felt the spring rain falling outside the stairwell.
This unexpected spring rain seemed to freeze my heart. In that moment, I cast aside all distractions, threw the luggage into the trunk, got into the car without looking back, started the engine, and like wind in the rain, quickly drove away from this community where we had met and fallen in love.
…
I rolled down the window and drove recklessly. Amid the cold rain, I no longer tried to view our love rationally. In this moment, there was no gap in wealth—only two people hurting each other.
Suddenly, I wanted to hear a song that matched the mood. I turned on the car stereo and found the song “Bad Weather” by Stefanie Sun.
“We don’t want to separate, so why are we here, performing a play pretending not to care? We should talk about more than just the weather. We’re stuck in a stalemate. If we have the strength to hurt each other, why not try harder? Love brings us too close, making us forget to leave some space. We’re childish. Actually, I just can’t bear to lose…”
Yes, this was indeed a song that fit the moment perfectly. Every word seemed to describe tonight’s Mi Cai and me.
Perhaps neither of us wanted to separate, yet in that stairwell, we performed a play pretending not to care. We had once been so close, so close that we forgot to leave any space for ourselves, which is why we cared so much when the other was with someone else.
But if we have the strength to hurt each other, why not try harder to understand each other, to get closer?
Thinking about it all, it was just our childishness at play. We were both afraid to lose. In our fear of losing, we forgot the gardener and the flower, the oil-powered race car, the wooden horse that rocked us, and the guitar we gave each other…
I slammed on the brakes, stopped the car, got out, and sat on the rain-soaked curb. Finally, I cried—crying out loud with the pouring rain… I lay on the ground sobbing, then pulled out the bank card containing the 500,000 yuan.
Then I laughed, a self-mocking laugh… If only she had tried to understand me, shouldn’t she have been happy for me?
I had struggled on the fringes of society for years. Finally, with some luck and effort, I had earned this sum of money that meant so much to me… Shouldn’t she have been happy for me?
Why? Why? Why wasn’t she happy?
Because to her, this mere 500,000 yuan was worth nothing. All she could see was my entanglement with Jian Wei, without seeing the all-nighters I pulled to prepare for that negotiation with Golden Summit Properties.
So again, I fell into childish nitpicking in the wind and rain… I would rather die here in this storm than return to that old house.
I pulled out my rain-soaked phone, found Mi Cai’s number, and finally sent her a message: “I don’t understand you… and you understand me even less!”
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