In the midst of my panic, I quickly considered how to answer Jian Wei in my mind. No matter what our current relationship was, the guitar had ultimately been her gift to me. If I told her I had traded it for another one, she would likely feel upset.
So I decided to lie. Without hesitation, I said, “CC took that guitar to Beijing.”
Jian Wei’s eyebrows furrowed immediately as she asked, “What for in Beijing?”
I added another lie to the previous one: “Roben wanted to use it.”
“If I’m not mistaken, you once told me that this guitar would accompany you for life and that no one else would ever touch it.”
I lit a cigarette, also frowning, and said, “Why are you being so particular? It’s just a promise about a guitar. Don’t you realize even the most heartfelt vows between lovers end up being broken?”
Jian Wei was left speechless by my words. For her, these words were like a weapon. I was sure she still remembered writing “waiting” on the car window with her lipstick, but eventually failing to fulfill that promise with me.
In the silence between us, Jian Wei picked up her chopsticks and silently ate the fast food in her lunch box. She didn’t speak again after finishing her meal, and neither did I.
At that moment, I somewhat understood why it’s difficult for ex-lovers to become friends again. If there are arguments, it shows that one hasn’t fully let go of the past. If everything seems fine and cheerful, it proves that both parties are happy after the breakup, making the decision to be together previously seem wrong and absurd.
Take my current situation with Jian Wei as an example: the repeated silence between us suggests we’d be better off being strangers. Why bother meeting and spending time together?
…
After finishing the simple meal, Jian Wei eventually kept her promise and accompanied me to the bar, performing as a guest singer. Her presence also compensated for CC’s absence at the bar.
Throughout the night, I didn’t go to the small stage to accompany her. Instead, I sat in a corner preparing the plan for New Year’s Eve activities.
It soon reached nine o’clock in the evening. After singing a few songs, Jian Wei came down from the small stage and sat across from me to rest.
I asked the waiter to prepare a glass of milk for her, continuing to focus on the event plan. Jian Wei remained silent too, and we maintained our taciturn silence until my phone beeped with a WeChat message.
I immediately stopped working and opened WeChat, finding it was indeed a message from Mi Cai.
“Zhaoyang, I’m up now. The weather in Philadelphia is really nice today!”
I smiled and replied, “Who told you to change my surname? My dad wouldn’t approve!”
“Your family named you hoping you’d be like the morning sun. So I think I did it right!”
“A real man never changes his name or surname. I said no, so it’s no.”
After sending this message, I turned my attention back to the plan, when Jian Wei finally spoke, “Zhaoyang, do you have a girlfriend now?”
“What?”
“Mi Cai is your current girlfriend. Did you two get back together?”
I finally lifted my head to look at Jian Wei, recalling that in her mind, Mi Cai and I had broken up and gotten back together multiple times.
After a while, I replied, “It’s not really getting back together. We’re just friends, I guess.”
“If I’m not mistaken, the message you just received was from her, right?”
I looked at her again, puzzled about how she could determine the message was from Mi Cai.
“The smile you had just now is the kind of smile a man has when he’s in love,” Jian Wei calmly explained.
I smiled at her again and asked, “How about this smile now?”
“A bit perfunctory, mixed with the feeling of time passing.”
“Does that mean I’m really bad at hiding my emotions?”
Jian Wei shook her head and answered, “It’s not that you can’t hide your emotions, but some emotions don’t need to be hidden at all.”
I was about to respond when another message came from Mi Cai. I temporarily put aside my conversation with Jian Wei and opened Mi Cai’s message.
“I never thought you were someone who ‘never changes his name or surname,’ so I’m going to keep calling you Zhaoyang!”
“Fine, call me whatever makes you happy. Anyway, you’re in the U.S. now, and I can’t kill you with my thoughts!”
After sending the message, I put my phone aside and turned to Jian Wei, asking, “What did you just say?”
Jian Wei looked at me and shook her head, indicating it wasn’t an important topic. Then she walked back to the small stage to continue singing for the customers. I suddenly realized that I had neglected her because of Mi Cai’s messages.
I became confused. Had my feelings for love really shifted?
I imagined a scenario: if Jian Wei had returned to China and hadn’t gotten together with Xiang Chen, remaining single, what would my feelings be now?
As this assumption became more vivid in my mind, my heart became restless. I thought: I couldn’t let go and forget, so this apparent calmness was only because Xiang Chen had come between us. I couldn’t do anything for that past love anymore. Rather than that, I should learn to forget and learn to treat Jian Wei as an ordinary friend. And in fact, I was almost there, so I should feel happy for myself and for Jian Wei. At least when facing Xiang Chen, I could hold my head high!
…
Jian Wei left the bar a little after 11 o’clock. Until closing time, Mi Cai didn’t reply to my WeChat messages, probably because I had made the conversation too boring.
When I returned home, just as I had given up waiting for Mi Cai’s reply, she sent me another message: “Have you finished work today?”
“Yeah, I’m already home.”
“The weather has been dry lately. Remember to water the plants on your balcony.”
“Okay, I’ll do it right away.”
With one hand holding the watering can and the other holding my phone, I waited for Mi Cai’s reply.
“Where are you spending the New Year this year?”
“Sigh! I can’t go back to Xuzhou, so I’ll stay in Suzhou.”
“Why can’t you go back to Xuzhou? Is it because your mom is still angry with you?”
“It’s not exactly anger. She said I can’t come back unless I find a girlfriend more reliable than Xiao Yun. Tell me, where can I find someone like that? After all, reliable girls are rare these days!”
Mi Cai replied after a long time: “Then why don’t you go find your Xiao Yun again? After all, she seems so reliable in your eyes.”
I walked from one end of the balcony to the other with the watering can, repeatedly watering the plants, but couldn’t figure out how to reply to Mi Cai’s message. I vaguely sensed a hint of jealousy in her message, but I didn’t want to misinterpret it.
Unexpectedly, Mi Cai sent another WeChat message: “Why haven’t you replied?”
In my memory, this was the first time she had sent me a message asking why I hadn’t replied. In the past, if she sent me a message and I didn’t reply for a whole day, she wouldn’t chase me for a response. So I was even more confused about how to reply.
After a while, I finally replied: “Because I was watering the plants!”
Then I anxiously waited, hoping this excuse would work.
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