I fell into deep thought, and then the considerate care and gentle charm of Li Xiaoyun appeared in fragments in my mind. I realized: I was attached to her, but was it love?
I thought again of CC’s previous evaluation of me. She said: In terms of ideals, I wasn’t as thorough as Luo Ben; in terms of reality, I couldn’t match Fang Yuan or Xiang Chen.
Looking back now, how insightful that evaluation was. If I had Luo Ben’s persistence for ideals, I would cast aside all distractions and chase after that long-haired woman. If I had Fang Yuan’s understanding and compromise with reality, I would have chosen Li Xiaoyun and settled down for life.
But I leaned toward neither, which destined me to be so indecisive when facing feelings…
Finally, I said to my mother, who had been waiting for an answer: “Mom, you don’t have to worry about Xiaoyun and me anymore. Even if we reluctantly get together, there’s no guarantee everything will go smoothly and we’ll get married. If something goes wrong later, won’t it just hurt Xiaoyun even more?”
“You’re such a bastard. In the end, you still don’t have romantic feelings for Xiaoyun. Otherwise, you wouldn’t hurt her like this.”
I didn’t respond. Actually, what my mother said was partly right, but not entirely. Yet I didn’t know how to explain it to her.
“Zhaoyang, I’ve said what I should, and even what I shouldn’t. I hope that when you feel regret in the future, you won’t blame me for not reminding you.”
“Mom, please don’t say that. It feels like you’re giving up on me as your son…”
“I won’t say more, Zhaoyang… Unless you can bring home a girlfriend more reliable than Xiaoyun, you’d better take care of yourself!”
“Mom, wait, don’t hang up yet. I still want to chat with you a bit more…”
Before I finished speaking, my mother had already hung up. I stood there stunned for a moment, then sent her a message: “Mom… Are you still expecting me to come home for the Spring Festival?”
“Come back only when you find a girl more reliable than Xiaoyun.”
I smiled bitterly, holding the phone with my bare hands for a long time. Then I looked up at the glaring sunlight, not knowing what to think about at this moment. I lay down on a bench, shielding the sunlight with one hand and blocking the wind with the other, wanting to take a nap until evening.
…
I didn’t know how long I had slept when I felt someone nudging me. I woke up groggily and found it was Wei Xiao, the chubby guy.
He said joyfully: “Brother, I’ve been waiting for you in the square for days. Finally, I’ve met you!”
“You’re looking for me for something?” I said, lighting a cigarette.
Wei Xiao nodded heavily.
“Didn’t I leave my phone number with you?”
“I lost it.”
I took out paper and pen from my bag again, wrote down my number for him, and then asked: “Alright, what’s it about? Why are you looking for me?”
Wei Xiao, smiling, took out two 100-yuan bills from his pocket and said: “Yesterday, a sister gave my grandpa a lot of money. She said it was for the baskets Grandpa made. Then Grandpa gave me money to invite you and the referee sister to KFC!”
I understood that the sister who gave the money was probably a staff member from Zhuomei. Still, I felt somewhat sad, for Mi Cai was now flying further and further away from us in the sky.
I smiled at Wei Xiao and said: “Your referee sister has already left. She doesn’t want to play with us anymore.”
Wei Xiao immediately lowered his head, and after a while, he said: “But I really want to treat her to KFC. Why don’t you call her, brother? You both have phones.”
I took a deep puff of my cigarette, looked up at the sunlight, and after a while, pointed at the sky and said to Wei Xiao: “She’s on the airplane. You can’t reach her by phone.”
Wei Xiao almost cried. I patted his shoulder to comfort him: “Since she doesn’t want to play with us, we won’t play with her either. Just the two of us eating will be more enjoyable and filling!”
“Okay then, just the two of us. We can eat a lot!”
Wei Xiao was still a child at heart, so Mi Cai’s departure didn’t affect him too much. But what about me? I pretended not to miss her, but I probably did deep down.
Still, I nodded and smiled: “You’re absolutely right. One more won’t make a difference, and one less won’t be a loss. Let’s go to KFC.”
Wei Xiao jumped high, then, standing on tiptoe in a very funny posture, linked arms with me and walked toward KFC.
…
Inside KFC, Wei Xiao and I each ordered a family meal set. We boredly competed to see who could finish first, but due to my poor appetite, I was completely defeated by Wei Xiao. As compensation for losing, I bought him another family meal set, which he said he would take home for his grandpa… Then we parted ways.
Watching Wei Xiao run off at a gust of wind with the family meal set, I couldn’t help but wonder: What exactly is happiness?
For Wei Xiao, perhaps it’s simply having KFC once, and then letting his grandpa have it once too.
Sigh… What a simple and beautiful kind of happiness. But why can’t I be satisfied with such happiness? Maybe I want too much. Maybe I’ve lost my childhood. Maybe I’m not old enough yet…
After leaving KFC, I went to the bar. By this time, companies in Suzhou had started taking annual leave one after another. So the bar, which had only been open for a few days, was facing another low period of business. Despite this, tonight’s occupancy rate was still 50%, which was much better than before renovation.
I found a corner, took out my tablet to browse the customers’ microblog posts forwarding about the bar, and evaluated the effectiveness of the microblog promotion activity.
After a while, CC came and sat beside me after finishing her performance. She asked me with concern: “Zhaoyang, where are you planning to spend the Spring Festival this year?”
Instinctively, I thought of my mother’s words about finding a girlfriend more reliable than Li Xiaoyun to bring home for the Spring Festival. I hesitated for a moment before replying: “Haven’t decided yet.”
“How about we go to Beijing together and find Leyao and Luo Ben?”
I immediately shot back at CC: “My parents aren’t going to Hong Kong for the New Year.”
CC pinched the flesh on my waist angrily and said: “Are you trying to mock me again? You make it sound like your parents cherish you so much!”
“Hei, you know what, my parents do cherish me. They’ve already prepared big meat dumplings and steamed buns for me.”
CC gave me a look and said: “Alright then, since your parents cherish you so much, I won’t persuade you to come to Beijing with me anymore.”
I forced a smile and nodded. Actually, I really hadn’t decided where to spend the New Year. Of course, I could go home brazenly, but if my mom was really angry with me, wouldn’t that ruin the festive mood for her? So I’d wait a bit longer. Maybe Ban Di would call me to come home for the New Year. By then, with Ban Di backing me up, things would be easier to handle.
CC said to me again: “I’m catching an early flight tomorrow morning. Why don’t you close the bar for a couple of days and go home to accompany your parents earlier?”
I shook my head and said: “There’s still more than a week until the New Year. It’s too early to close the bar now. Besides, the bartender and several waiters at our bar are from other provinces and haven’t bought their tickets home yet. Keeping the bar open gives them a place to stay and earn some money.”
“Alright, then you’ll have to work hard these days.”
I nodded to indicate it was no problem, then said to CC: “Since you have an early flight tomorrow morning, you’d better go back and rest early today.”
CC gently patted my shoulder, said “See you next year,” picked up her handbag, and left the bar.
I checked the time. It was already 10 p.m., and I was about ready to leave. Because there were professional managers hired at the bar, I didn’t need to stay there throughout the business hours.
I wanted to sit by the moat for a while. After my friends around me gradually left, I felt somewhat lonely, and that moat was the place to relieve loneliness. There, smoking a cigarette and watching the rippling water surface, I could forget many things…
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