The car lights tore a rift through the dark night, and my heart raced along this breach, chasing the chill of the moonlit wind. I felt cold.
Finally arriving at the edge of the moat, I saw Jianwei’s red Cadillac CTS again. It was still dazzling, but immersed in the endless darkness, it appeared somewhat lonely.
Walking down the steep slope a little, I saw Jianwei sitting on the steps wearing a red down jacket. Her back was to me, so I couldn’t see her face yet. But I knew she must be feeling down; otherwise, there was no reason for her to come here and endure the bitter cold wind.
I approached and sat down beside her, following her gloomy gaze toward the dark river, yet neither of us spoke.
In the silence, I took out a cigarette from my pocket, but couldn’t find my lighter. Just as I was about to give up, Jianwei took a lighter out of her bag and with a “click,” a flame appeared to grant me relief.
I leaned toward the flame with the cigarette in my mouth, and smoke gradually spread from between my fingers like a long-lost companion.
I took a deep puff of the cigarette and looked at the lighter Jianwei held in her hand…
It was a blue lighter, igniting countless cigarettes of mine, yet I had never owned it because it had always been kept by Jianwei, ever since the beginning of our relationship.
I would never forget what she told me: she loved lighting my cigarettes and watching me look satisfied.
Sigh! In that moment, I nearly lost control and collapsed into the beauty of the past… but I remained stubbornly silent, for between us now stood something called “times have changed.”
…
Finally, I crushed the unfinished cigarette in my hand. To break the frozen atmosphere, I smiled and said, “We won’t just sit here from beginning to end without saying anything, right? You will say something to me, won’t you?”
“I don’t want to say anything. Just sit with me for a while is enough.”
I took out my phone from my pocket and checked the text message Jianwei had sent me again. Indeed, she had only asked me to keep her company, without mentioning any conversation.
I nodded. If she didn’t want to speak, then fine, we could just pretend to be two strangers who happened to meet by chance, and I used this moment to harden my heart again.
But the night, seduced by the wind, seemed to have some magical power, pulling me back to those youthful years long past. I wandered in those memories, surrounded and threatened by the happiness of the past.
Yet happiness and threat were clearly opposites—why did they coexist so vividly in my mind? After a long time, I finally understood: because it was past happiness. All beautiful things, once tied to the past, could become a drug that brings pleasure first, then poisons the present.
Unable to bear it any longer, I finally turned to the Jianwei beside me and asked, “Did you have a conflict with Xiangchen?”
“We always have conflicts.”
“It’s normal for two people to have some disagreements…”
Jianwei finally looked up at me and said, “I know… I want to ask you a question. If your girlfriend wanted to work, would you try to stop her at all costs?”
“I wouldn’t… but you need to understand, I can’t afford a girlfriend who doesn’t work, which is an objective reason. But Xiangchen is different!”
“What if you could afford it?”
“I don’t know, because I haven’t reached that level. Thinking about it from my current situation might give you an inaccurate answer.”
Jianwei fell into confusion and after a long time told me, “You wouldn’t restrict her, because you are a man who loves freedom and is not selfish. Therefore, you will definitely give your partner freedom.”
Her assessment of me left me stunned. Did she really understand me better than I understood myself? Not only the past me, but even the future me who might achieve something.
After another long period of silence, Jianwei seemed to be speaking to me, yet also like talking to herself: “I will definitely start an advertising company, and I want it to be the top advertising company in China. This is my dream… no one can stop me.”
I tried to reason with her, saying, “Actually, sometimes compromising for love is also a kind of gain. Being too stubborn might only lead to your own pain!”
Jianwei looked at me with a complicated expression, saying, “Do you know? If I can’t realize this dream, I will feel that my life has absolutely no value… Without this dream, I really don’t know what else I have left!”
I remained silent for a long time, but I could feel Jianwei’s struggle and pain. I just couldn’t quite understand why she was so pessimistic. What she had now was clearly so much. As long as she wasn’t with me, her parents would certainly forgive her past relationship with me and give her the warmth of family. At the very least, she still had Xiangchen’s love.
In the repeated silence, Jianwei skipped the previous topic and asked me, “Do you want another cigarette?”
“Yeah,” I said, pulling another cigarette from the pack.
At the same time, Jianwei once again took out the blue lighter. With the flame flickering, smoke filled the air again…
However, before I could even enjoy the satisfaction of a cigarette, Jianwei had already picked up her handbag. Before leaving, she said to me, “Zhaoyang, thank you for coming to keep me company. I feel better now. These days I will start preparing for the advertising company… Even if no one supports me, I will keep going for this only dream.”
“You will definitely succeed,” I said. And this was absolutely not just a polite remark. Because Jianwei’s father was a top figure in the advertising industry, owning a 4A-level advertising company in Shanghai, and Jianwei was his only daughter—he would definitely support her wholeheartedly.
Still, Jianwei had a very strong personality. If she inherited her father’s advertising company, it would definitely be much easier than starting from scratch. But everyone has their own aspirations. As her ex-boyfriend, I could only silently wish her well, hoping she could realize her dream and even surpass her father in the advertising industry.
…
After Jianwei left, I sat alone by the moat for a while longer. The current me and Jianwei were becoming more and more like friends. Even when we met, we no longer talked about the past. So I somewhat believed the idea that you can still be friends after breaking up. In fact, I didn’t mind being friends, but I also wouldn’t force it. Letting things take their natural course was better, because I didn’t want to add unnecessary pain to myself again. At least for now, I still couldn’t completely separate myself from Jianwei, because I still owed her a huge debt of 500,000 yuan.
After returning to my place and opening the door, I instinctively glanced at the shoe rack, but didn’t see Mi Cai’s shoes. I looked at the food on the dining table, which hadn’t been touched at all, making me realize that Mi Cai might have left in anger.
But I thought it was unlikely, because she could still eat dinner by herself without any problem, and she had no reason to be upset with me, since I wasn’t even her boyfriend.
Confused, I took out my phone and immediately dialed Mi Cai’s number. I wanted to ask her why she had left without eating.
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