It might have been due to nervousness, but Mi Cai and I could never seem to synchronize our pace. In the cold winter, our hands actually began to sweat, a reaction I hadn’t expected at all. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with Mi Cai? We had merely held hands.
An abruptly standing tree blocked our path. To avoid it, I cooperated well by shifting slightly towards Mi Cai’s side. Unexpectedly, Mi Cai also shifted towards me to avoid the tree. As a result, we collided awkwardly without any coordination and instinctively let go of each other’s hands.
Finally, we exchanged embarrassed glances, but this time Mi Cai placed her hand into her pocket.
This action made me feel somewhat disappointed, and I felt even more that I had offended her. After a while, I said, “Hey, I didn’t mean anything by holding your hand. I usually even put my arm around the shoulder of Yan Yan… and CC too!”
Mi Cai looked elsewhere and hesitated for a moment before saying, “I know. You don’t need to explain.”
I finally nodded, then reached out to hail a taxi. We had walked far enough, achieving the purpose of taking a walk. Continuing further might only make us feel awkward.
…
That night, Mi Cai didn’t stay at the bar for long. She left after sitting there for just half an hour, which made me feel even more that I had offended her. I blamed myself for not being able to control my actions and hoped this incident wouldn’t cast a shadow over our relationship. Sometimes, not probing and not clarifying might be the best choice—at least we could still bicker like before while caring for each other.
Back home, I washed up quickly and lay on the bed. Then I lit a cigarette and took out a photo I had secretly taken from Mi Cai’s office, carefully looking at it. I was amused by her pouting, acting cute, and playful expressions. But while smiling, I suddenly felt a strange sense of sorrow. I couldn’t figure out the source of this pain for quite a while. Perhaps it was out of sympathy for her, or maybe because I couldn’t get close to her.
Gradually, I started to realize that maybe I had already fallen for her subtly… But this was such a terrifying thing for me. Because deep down, I had never believed we could end up together. If we couldn’t be together, then this sudden emergence of affection would be so pale and lonely, unrequited and distant… watching her from afar.
I put out the cigarette, placed Mi Cai’s photo inside a book, turned off the light, and the room went dark, leaving only my loneliness illuminated.
…
Soon another week passed. During this week, I selected a construction company to collaborate with, and the themed music bar “The Fifth Season” officially entered its second phase of renovation. Finally, I entered the most relaxing period since returning to Suzhou. The only task I had each day was to supervise the renovation work at the bar in the afternoon.
During this entire week, I didn’t contact Mi Cai again, and she didn’t reach out to me either. It felt as if we had returned to being strangers. For the first three days, I wasn’t used to this unfamiliarity. I wanted to call her several times and invite her out, but gradually I restrained myself until I completely abandoned the idea of contacting her. This self-imposed cutoff originated from the fact that I was no longer a man full of pursuit and expectation for love. I could abandon all fantasies about love and live in self-entertainment.
It was a sunny afternoon. I stayed at home and didn’t go anywhere, sitting on the sofa controlling a remote-controlled car I had bought long ago to kill time. However, my mind was still preoccupied with marketing strategies for the bar’s re-opening. Even until now, I hadn’t come up with any good marketing ideas because under limited financial resources, it was genuinely difficult to convey the bar’s information to scattered target consumers.
Feeling annoyed, I accelerated the remote-controlled car forward, shifted into reverse, turned the steering wheel, and the car instantly drifted.
While playing for the next drift, the door suddenly opened, and then I saw Mi Cai, who was watching the drifting remote-controlled car.
Finally, she asked me with a puzzled look, “You still play with toy cars?”
“This is a remote-controlled racing car, not a toy car, okay?”
Mi Cai looked at it again and said, “I don’t see much difference.”
I put down the remote control, unwilling to continue this topic, and asked, “How come you’re here?”
“To pick up some clothes.”
“Oh.” I replied mechanically.
Mi Cai looked at me, as if wanting to say something, but finally just said, “Well, you keep playing. I’ll leave after picking up my clothes.”
I didn’t respond to Mi Cai, picked up the remote control, and started playing again, while Mi Cai went into her room. About five minutes later, she came out holding a handbag. Standing in front of me, she was silent for a while before saying, “…I’m leaving.”
Without saying anything, I controlled the racing car to bump into her. Mi Cai dodged several times, finally getting annoyed and kicked my remote-controlled car over, frowning and asking, “What are you doing?”
I didn’t want her to leave, but I didn’t know how to stop her. I got up from the sofa, righted the overturned car, and then drove it toward her again.
This time, Mi Cai kicked it over without hesitation and angrily said, “Zhaoyang, are you acting up again?”
“Yeah, I am. I have a mental illness!”
“Then why don’t you go to a mental hospital?”
“I’ve already given up on treatment.”
Mi Cai looked at me speechlessly…
“How about you get mental illness too? Then we two crazy people can hang out together.”
I thought she would scold me for such an unreliable suggestion, but instead, she asked with interest, “What would we play?”
I thought for a moment and said, “Let’s go to the plaza and race cars.”
“With your broken remote-controlled car?”
“Exactly.”
Mi Cai thought for a while and said, “Okay, let’s go.”
Her agreeing so easily to my request surprised me a bit, but I was also happy. I didn’t mind acting like a madman while taking her to play with the remote-controlled car. So I hurried to my room, grabbed a bag, put the remote-controlled car inside, and then the “two madmen” went downstairs together.
…
We arrived at a nearby plaza and found a bench to sit on. I took out the remote-controlled car from the bag and started playing, while Mi Cai rested her chin on her hand watching me.
I began showing off various tricks, but Mi Cai didn’t applaud. Soon I lost motivation to continue playing and handed the remote to Mi Cai, saying, “Do you want to play?”
Mi Cai nodded and finally smiled as she took the remote from me. That’s when I realized: she had deliberately ignored me just now, aiming to make me lose interest so she could play with it herself.
I didn’t want to argue with her. I took out a cigarette, lit it, leaned back on the bench, and watched the blue sky and white clouds while peeling off the cellophane from the cigarette pack, ignoring Mi Cai on purpose.
Mi Cai completely ignored my coldness and imitated my manner, playing with the car quite seriously. After a while, she tugged my clothes and asked, “How did you do that drift just now? It looked really cool!”
“Do you want to learn?”
Mi Cai nodded eagerly.
I glanced at a little chubby kid who was controlling another remote-controlled car nearby, then said to Mi Cai, “If you use our car to flip his over, I’ll teach you.”
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