The night deepened and the effects of alcohol faded. I zipped up my jacket, lit a cigarette, and walked aimlessly on the street, stepping on the neon lights. My mind was filled with endless trivialities. Suddenly, I felt a bit tired of my current life. I wanted to do something for myself, but I didn’t know where to start, which made me even more confused.
Passing by a hotel, I looked at the lights spilling from dozens of windows, as if peering at pairs of bodies rising and falling on the beds, making the entire hotel seem to shake. On this night, some people were enjoying the sensual pleasures in warm rooms, while others were walking on the streets, enduring the loneliness of the night like withering petals.
But it is precisely because of such contrasts that the world appears so three-dimensional and real. I should understand that the world is inherently a complex contradiction; loneliness and loss must be borne by someone, so I need not feel wronged, nor complain.
Yet tonight’s moonlight was unexpectedly bright, illuminating my loneliness so thoroughly that it had nowhere to hide. So I beg the celestial beings above, please switch off the moon’s power. I am willing to bear loneliness, but that doesn’t mean I want to expose it in this naked world!
…
Back at my place, I habitually looked downstairs and didn’t see Mi Cai’s car. I walked around to the front of the building and saw her car was there—Mi Cai seemed to have gotten used to parking her car in this spot.
I squatted next to her car, smoked another cigarette, and then returned upstairs. I stood by Mi Cai’s door for a while before knocking.
“Mi Cai, are you asleep?” I asked softly.
“Any problem?”
“I want to talk to you.”
Mi Cai replied as expectedly as ever, “We have nothing to talk about.”
“At least let me thank you in person for tonight. I really appreciate it!”
“Forget it.” Mi Cai rejected me again with just three words.
“No, I really want to say it. Otherwise, I won’t feel at peace.” Without waiting for Mi Cai’s approval, I opened her door under the pretense of thanking her.
The light was still on inside. Mi Cai was sitting at her desk reading a book, or perhaps some documents or files.
Mi Cai seemed to have grown accustomed to my rudeness and showed no reaction to my uninvited entry.
Standing behind her, I peeked and asked, “What are you reading?”
Mi Cai ignored me and continued focusing on her documents.
I stood there awkwardly, yet internally preparing how to tell Mi Cai that I wanted to continue living here.
“Do you think it’s appropriate to stand in a woman’s room in the dead of night?” Mi Cai coldly questioned me.
“I just wanted to thank you, nothing else,” I quickly replied.
“Then say it quickly and leave.”
“Okay…” I responded reluctantly, then tried to please her by asking, “By the way, did you take your medicine tonight? I heard you coughing earlier.”
Mi Cai closed the file and frowned at me, saying, “If you have something to say, say it quickly. I’m going to bed soon.”
“You asked me to speak, so please don’t get angry after I do,” I hurriedly said.
“Then don’t say it.”
“No way. Words once spoken can’t be taken back. Since you told me to speak, of course I will say it…” After a pause, I finally blurted out, “Well… to be honest, I don’t want to move out at all!” Immediately after speaking, I instinctively straightened my posture, trying to use a mighty aura to overpower Mi Cai and make her agree to let me stay.
Mi Cai looked at me and calmly said, “I already told you that you don’t have to repay the debt for now, so you have no reason to stay here.”
“I already said I don’t want to move out. Don’t you understand what I mean?” I raised my voice.
“But you’ve promised me more than once that you would move out. Is your promise really so cheap in your own eyes?” Mi Cai’s words were cold and sharp, and her eyes flashed with anger.
“What’s wrong with me staying here?” My voice was also filled with anger. While I didn’t understand her, she also didn’t understand me. In this city, there are so many people who share accommodations, so why do I depend so much on this apartment, and why does she keep driving me away mercilessly? Besides, I thought my character as a roommate was pretty solid—I was a very safe person to live with.
Mi Cai countered, “Tell me where it’s good.”
“Everywhere is good!” I thought for a moment and continued, “With me living here, if there’s any neighborhood dispute, I can easily help you handle it. Let me tell you: I’m the local bully of this community…”
“Can you stop being so childish?” Mi Cai interrupted me.
I sneered, “You don’t believe me, right? You can go check other communities. Don’t you see the square dance aunties disturbing the peace every night? Have you noticed that in our community? Exactly, there isn’t any. Let me tell you: although this community lacks property management, having me here is better than any property management.”
“Even if what you said is true, it still can’t be a reason for you to keep staying here. You have to move out.” Mi Cai insisted firmly.
I was angry again, “Are you out of your mind? What’s wrong with me staying here? At least if the pipes get clogged or the lights break, I can fix them, right? If it rains and you’re not home, I can help collect your clothes, right? Like today, when you were sick, I couldn’t just let you suffer, so I bought you medicine and cooked a bowl of ginger soup, right… Why do you insist on making both of us unhappy?”
“I’m not unhappy.”
Mi Cai’s single sentence left me speechless. After an awkward silence, I said, “Anyway, I don’t want to move. I owe you so much money. I think repaying you is more important than moving out.”
To my surprise, Mi Cai asked, “Tell me why repaying me is more important than moving out?”
Without hesitation, I replied, “Repaying you will make me feel at peace. Moving out makes me feel rootless and empty. If you were me, would you choose to repay the debt first or move out first?”
“You can move out and live elsewhere just the same. Where does this emptiness and rootlessness come from?” Mi Cai continued to question.
I looked around the room, feeling a wave of indescribable emotion. Mi Cai simply didn’t understand my feelings and attachment to this house. That’s why she never considered my feelings whenever she tried to drive me away. But to be fair, she didn’t need to consider it either—my attachment was ultimately just my own.
I lit another cigarette to dispel the disappointment and helplessness in my heart.
“Can you not smoke in my room, please?”
Her words were filled with disgust again, but I couldn’t blame her. It was my own recklessness that made me forget I was still in her room.
“Sorry, I’ll go to the balcony.” I murmured.
…
After finishing a cigarette on the balcony, I returned to the living room. To my surprise, Mi Cai wasn’t in her bedroom but sitting on the sofa in the living room.
For the first time, she initiated a conversation with me, “You haven’t answered my previous question yet.”
“You asked why moving out would make me feel empty and rootless, right?”
Mi Cai nodded.
I sat on the sofa opposite Mi Cai, closed my eyes, and countless nights and days I had spent here flashed like scenes in my mind.
After a long silence, I finally spoke, “I moved in two years ago. The period right after I moved in was the darkest time of my life. I almost had insomnia every night… The reason for my insomnia was that I had a lot on my mind, but I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Keeping it all inside was unbearable, so I treated the floor lamp, the cabinet, the wall clock, and even a mop in the house as my friends, telling them all the things I couldn’t say to anyone. Although they never responded, they were always patient, listening no matter how long I spoke. After getting those things off my chest, I didn’t feel so bad anymore. I was grateful to them, grateful for everything in this house. They were my support, my friends. That’s why I don’t want to leave. I love this house. Although it’s very simple, it’s the safest and warmest place in my world…!!”
After I finished speaking, Mi Cai looked at me with a complicated expression. I had no idea what that complexity meant, but I anxiously waited to see whether she would let me continue living here.
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