Chapter 10: There Are Bad People Among the Crowd

After a while, I went downstairs with Fangyuan, who got into the company’s minivan, while I got into Yanyan’s car.

My nerves were overwhelmed by an inexplicable pain, and I even blamed Fangyuan inwardly for suddenly telling me that Jian Wei would be coming back. After three years, I had long forgotten what emotions I should use to face her.

I had desperately longed to see her for countless days and nights, yet I was also afraid to meet her—afraid that the silence and awkwardness after our reunion would hurt too much.

Yanyan started the car, glanced in the rearview mirror, changed lanes, and then asked me, “Zhaoyang, why do you look so preoccupied?” After a pause, she shook her head and added, “You don’t seem like yourself at all.”

I smiled slightly and replied, “Do I always have to be carefree to seem like myself?”

“Was it Fangyuan who told you that Jian Wei is coming back?”

“Yeah,” I responded, then opened the car window and lit a cigarette.

“No wonder. In this world, besides Jian Wei, there’s probably no one else who could stir up your melancholy nerves, Zhaoyang,” Yanyan sighed.

“You’re overthinking. She’s not that invincible, and I’m not that fragile either,” I replied with another smile.

Yanyang shrugged and said, “Zhaoyang, you know your own feelings best… The brighter your smile, the deeper your pain inside.”

“You speak as if you really understand me,” I finally dropped the smile Yanyan considered fake, to prove that I wasn’t as hurt as she thought.

“After so many years of friendship, if I don’t understand you, who does? Zhaoyang, let me speak from the heart. Although we all feel sorry for you and Jian Wei, I have to tell you this: when a woman changes her heart, the man she once loved becomes nothing more than a used cigarette butt—no longer giving her any pleasure, only making her eyes red with discomfort. At that point, the only thing she can do is discard that used cigarette. Do you understand what I mean?”

“What are you telling me all this for?” I asked, taking a deep puff of my cigarette.

“I just hope you can be more carefree.”

I remained silent for a long time before asking with resentment, “What exactly is love? Isn’t it just a promise followed by a lifetime of devotion? Why would someone give that promise but lack the courage to keep it?”

“Zhaoyang, love isn’t as simple as you think. That’s why Yanyan and I could end up together, while you and Jian Wei couldn’t. You understand that, right?”

I fell silent again. I did understand. Although neither Fangyuan nor Yanyan came from wealthy families, their backgrounds were decent and well-matched—what people call a suitable match. But me and Jian Wei… I clearly remembered that before she left for the U.S., her father had bought her a Cadillac CTS as a graduation gift. But could love really be measured by material things? I wasn’t sure.

Yanyan continued, “Jian Wei truly loved you, and you know she went to the U.S. to escape the pressure from her parents to marry someone else. She hoped that after staying there for three years, her parents would accept the fact that she wanted to be with you when she returned. But why she broke up with you after arriving in the U.S., even I can’t quite figure out… Maybe it really was because…”

I didn’t want to relive the pain of that breakup again and interrupted Yanyan, “Stop. Just like you said, when she changed her heart, I was just a used cigarette that couldn’t give her any more pleasure.”

“I was just using that as a metaphor when I said she changed…” Yanyan tried to comfort me again.

There are people in this world who have a special ability: they can comfort someone so much that the person ends up wanting to die for real—and Yanyan was definitely one of them.

…

Throughout the day, I accompanied Yanyan to purchase the items on Fangyuan’s list for their wedding, and we only shared a simple meal in the evening before going our separate ways.

Despite having stayed up all night the previous day and working hard all day today, as night approached, I found myself completely unable to sleep. Walking on the street, every time I saw couples leaning on each other and passing by me under the neon lights, I felt an endless sense of loneliness and emptiness.

I still had the habit of trying to empty my mind, as if my nights were meant for nightclubs. I told myself that maybe having a few drinks would help me sleep better tonight.

Listening to the loud bar music, watching the flickering lights and the crowd swaying wildly, it wasn’t long before I had already downed several bottles of beer and started feeling a bit dizzy. I loved this feeling—no worries, no love or hatred, just a hazy and illusory sense of reality.

There were two resident bands in the bar, taking turns performing every night. That night, it happened to be Roben’s band, “Nerve Rupture,” performing. Roben and I were pretty close friends, and we occasionally played music together.

Roben strummed his guitar strings, producing a noise that sounded like friction, and teased me with a grin, “Zhaoyang, come up and play with us?”

I set down my beer bottle, jumped onto the stage, took the guitar from Roben, and said to the other band members, “Let’s play ‘Return to Life.’”

Everyone nodded, the instruments started playing, the lights flickered, and the heavy metal music began to swell.

Driven by the drunken urge to vent, I stood on a prop resembling an ammunition box, wildly strumming the electric guitar and screaming out the lyrics with explosive force: “Imaginary hands holding the flag, bones hidden inside the coat, desperately recalling the path I took, then crashing into the wall with a ‘Deng Deng’ sound; Mom, I can’t come back; Mom, please bear with it, Mom, hurry and give birth to me again, give birth to me again… Raise my voice and tear open my throat…”

Halfway through the song, a young hooligan with long hair, wearing a black jacket and a gold chain, glared at me and shouted, “What the hell are you singing, you hick? Change the song!”

I stopped playing, squinting at him, and said, “Repeat that, you little bastard.”

Long Hair kicked over the nearest drum set, “You son of a bitch, I told you to change the song!”

“F*** your old man…” I stood on the stage, kicked him straight in the face, and as if finding an outlet for my frustration, jumped off the stage, grabbed my guitar, and smashed it over him. In no time, the guitar was shattered into pieces, and Long Hair was curled on the ground, screaming in agony while clutching his head.

His companions rushed toward me with beer bottles, but Roben and the other band members blocked them. Amid the chaos, I saw someone calling the police, so I dropped the remains of the guitar and ran out of the bar.

…

Inside the police station’s interrogation room, the light shone on me while sitting across was an older, relatively kind-looking officer.

“Name, gender, age, workplace.”

“No, officer, that guy really deserved it! He kicked our drum set first. You know, for musicians, our instruments are like our little brothers. When he attacked my brother, how could I just let it go? Officer, I didn’t mean to fight, it’s just that there were some bad people among the crowd!” I whined.

“Cut the crap, kid. No matter what your reasons are, fighting is wrong. The law doesn’t give you the right to do that, understand?”

“Officer, I know I was wrong. I’ve already deeply reflected and criticized myself. I shouldn’t have ignored the dignity of the law. In the future, I will definitely raise my awareness and become a good citizen who obeys the law and supports social harmony, never dragging the progress of a harmonious society behind!”

“Alright, stop talking nonsense! Go pay the fine.”

“No jail time?” I asked cautiously.

“The young man you beat up only suffered minor injuries. He agreed to settle it privately. You need to cover his hospital expenses and compensate for his lost wages, plus the fine. It’s a total of 6000 yuan.”

“6000!! Officer, I don’t have that much money on me!”

“Call your family or friends.”

Hearing the words “family and friends,” I suddenly felt lost. At that moment, I truly felt how lonely I was in this city where I had lived for two years.

I definitely couldn’t call Fangyuan or Yanyan. For one, they were about to get married, and I didn’t want to burden them with this trouble. Secondly, they had repeatedly expressed their hopes that I would settle down and live a stable life. It would be better not to let them know about this incident, so they wouldn’t be disappointed in me.

…

After thinking for a while, a face that was extremely beautiful yet intensely hated by me appeared in my mind.

Mi Cai. Yes, Mi Cai! After all, in her eyes, I was already a scumbag with no image left. I could ask her to pay the fine for me first. Once I got my salary next week, I could repay her along with the money I owed her before.

At this moment, I was actually grateful that I had remembered to note down her phone number that morning.

I took out my phone from my pocket, found Mi Cai’s number, and dialed it immediately.